Back to School Page #3

who are here as a result

of hard work.

Hard work?

Listen, Sherlock, while you were

tucked away up here...

working on your ethics,

I was out there...

busting my hump

in the real world.

And the reason guys like you

got a place to teach...

is 'cause guys like me

donate buildings.

I wasn't speaking to you,

Mr. Melon.

I don't think

Dr. Barbay understands...

the actual amounts

that are involved here.

Mr. Melon, will you take

the ceremonial shovel?

Thank you.

And dig into the symbolic dirt.

I hereby dedicate

this building to... myself.

Now, Dad, it's just like

we talked about.

You sign up for whatever

interests you, OK?

We're gonna get

on the astronomy line...

before it closes up.

See you later.

Look at this.

This is worse than the track.

You want me to move

some people for you?

No, don't push anybody around.

This is college.

Let me think for a minute.

What are you gonna do?

Come on. I got an idea.

Did you get

everything you want?

I got the Latin

and the Sanskrit...

but then they canceled

my Ancient Greek.

Just blew my whole

dead languages motif.

What are you looking at?

You OK?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.

I'm just upset

because they closed botany.

Those bastards!

Well, I'm not that upset.

At least, I won't be

if I get into astronomy.

You want to cut

into line with us?

'Cause we're already waiting.

Yes. Yeah, I would.

Great. All right.

Oh, this is Derek.

Hi.

I'm Valerie Desmond.

Yeah, I know.

- I'm Jason Melon.

- Hi.

- Hey, Valerie.

- Hi.

God, you look great.

Thanks. Are you taking

astronomy, too?

Yeah, I guess so.

I don't really want to.

I'm a business major.

But for some reason,

they want us to take a science.

You mind if I sneak

in the line with you?

Actually, these guys were

nice enough to let me in...

so it's really

up to them, I guess.

Melon, buddy?

Whaddaya say? Let me in, OK?

I don't think so, Osbourne.

Melon, your friend...

straighten him out.

Look, Chas,

there's a lot of people waiting.

It wouldn't really be fair.

I'll tell you what.

Maybe if you got a note

from each of these people...

saying that it was all right,

then we'd reconsider...

but until that day,

take a hike...

you elitist fraternity scumbag.

I won't forget this, Melon.

I'll see you at the pool.

- Bye, Val.

- Bye.

Thank you. I'm dead.

You're not gonna believe this!

- You're kidding!

- I'm not kidding! Just go!

He's out there!

Bruce! Bruce! Bruce! Bruce!

Where is he?

I don't know, kid.

All I know is I'm supposed

to pick him up here.

- When?

- Now.

Come on, let's register.

Hey, you guys

get everything you need?

Oh, yeah, we got it.

Good. What's with

the used books?

- What's wrong with used books?

- They've already been read.

And they've already been

underlined.

That's the problem.

The guy who underlined them

could have been a maniac.

Get these guys some new books.

Charge it to me, too.

Here, pick a card.

And I'm taking four

of those school sweaters...

a bunch of pennants,

some of those beer mugs...

a few of these fuzz balls

you cheer with, and...

Hey, folks, it's on me!

Shakespeare for everyone, OK?

You, too, honey.

I'd like to tame your shrew.

- Who is that?

- That is Mr. Thornton Melon...

the world's oldest

living freshman...

and the walking epitome of

the decline of modern education.

The stupid clod thinks he can

buy his way out of the gutter.

I don't think so.

He was just having fun.

Oh, really? Well, I can't wait

to get him in my class.

We'll see how much fun

he is then.

Oh, Philip.

Hey, Mr. M! You're all set.

We've been working all night.

We got it all done.

Thanks, Buzzy.

I appreciate it.

Add a few hundred to the bill

and throw your boys a party.

You know what you got, Mr. M?

You got class.

It rubbed off from you, Buzzy.

Say hello to Sonia for me, huh?

You got it.

I want to talk to you

about my schedule.

We'll go over it later.

Well, boys,

what do you think?

Got a hot tub in there!

How can you study

if you're not relaxed?

When's our first class?

We got economics

tomorrow at 11:
00.

I got a massage at 11:00.

Tell them to make it 2:00.

No, Dad, you don't get it.

They're not gonna reschedule

the classes around your massage.

All right, 11:
00.

But I'm gonna talk to that dean.

These classes can be

a real inconvenience.

All right, settle down, people.

We've got a lot to cover,

and time is short.

There are two kinds of people

in business today...

the quick and the dead.

So, rather than waste

your time this semester...

with a lot of

useless theories...

we're going to jump right in

with both feet...

and create a fictional company

from the ground up.

We'll construct

our physical plant...

we'll set up

an efficient administrative...

and executive structure...

then we'll manufacture

our product and market it.

I think you'll find it very

interesting and a lot of fun.

So, let's start by looking

at construction costs...

of our new factory.

What's the product?

That is immaterial...

for the purposes

of our discussion here...

but if it makes you happy...

let's say we're making

tape recorders.

Tape recorders?

Are you kiddin'?

The Japs will kill us

on the labor costs.

OK, fine.

Then let's just say

they're widgets.

What's a widget?

It's a fictional product.

It doesn't matter.

Doesn't matter.

Tell that to the bank.

Take it easy.

It's the first day.

On the board,

you will see a cost analysis...

for construction of

a 30,000 square-foot facility...

which will encompass

both factory and office space...

and is fully serviced

by all utilities...

a railroad spur line

and a four-bay shipping dock.

Hold it, hold it. Why build?

You're better off leasing...

at a buck and a quarter,

a buck and a half a square foot.

Take your down payment

and put it into CDs...

or something else you can roll

over every couple of months.

Thank you, Mr. Melon...

but we'll be concentrating

on finance...

a little later in the term.

For the time being,

let's just concentrate...

on the construction figures,

shall we?

You'll see the final bottom line

requires the factoring in...

of not just the material

and construction costs...

but also the architects' fees

and the cost of land servicing.

Oh, you left out

a bunch of stuff.

Oh, really?

Like what, for instance?

First of all, you have to grease

the local politicians...

for the sudden zoning problems

that always come up.

Then there's the kickbacks

to the carpenters.

And if you plan on using

any cement in this building...

I'm sure the teamsters

would like to have...

a little chat with you,

and that'll cost you.

Don't forget a little something

for the building inspectors.

There's the long-term costs,

such as waste disposal.

I don't know if you're familiar

with who runs that business...

but I assure you

it's not the boy scouts.

That will be quite enough,

Mr. Melon.

Maybe bribes and kickbacks...

and Mafia payoffs

Rate this script:4.0 / 2 votes