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are how you do business...

but they are not part of

the legitimate business world...

and they're certainly

not part of anything...

I'm teaching in this class.

Do I make myself clear?

Sorry. Just trying to help.

That's all.

Now, notwithstanding

Mr. Melon's input...

the next question for us is

where to build our factory.

How about Fantasyland?

My first class.

I did good, huh?

You better cool it

with Dr. Barbay.

Dr. Barbay, he don't know dick.

He really tells it

like it ain't.

Know what he knows how to do?

Flunk you.

Flunk me? Flunk him.

Great attitude. Do you know

where your next class is?

Contemporary American history.

Professor Turgeson.

- Turgeson?

- You know him? Is he good?

Well, he's really committed.

In fact, I think he was.

Just keep your head down...

and your mouth shut.

You should be all right.

- I'll see you in English.

- All right.

Welcome to Contemporary

American history.

I'm Professor Turgeson.

I know a lot of people

think history is just facts...

just information about the past,

but not me.

I hold history

very sacred. Sacred.

The way a farmer looks at

the Earth and holds it sacred.

The way a Christian

takes the Bible...

and he holds it sacred.

The way a lot of people

hold their marriage sacred.

That's how I feel about it.

So why don't we dive right in...

by interpreting

one of the easiest events...

in the last twenty years

of American history.

Now, can someone tell me...

why, in 1975, we pulled

our troops out of Vietnam?

The failure of Vietnamization

to win popular support...

caused an ongoing erosion

of confidence...

in the various American...

but illegal... Saigon regimes.

Is she right?

'Cause I know

that's the popular version...

of what went on there.

I know a lot of people

like to believe that.

I wish I could,

but I was there.

I wasn't here in a classroom...

hoping I was right,

thinking about it.

I was up to my knees

in rice paddies...

with guns that didn't work,

going up against Charlie...

slugging it out with him,

while pussies like you...

were back here partyin',

puttin' headbands on...

doin' drugs, listening

to the goddamn Beatle albums!

Hey, Professor,

take it easy, will ya?

These kids were in grade school

at the time.

And me...

I'm not a fighter, I'm a lover.

Well, I didn't know you wanted

to get involved...

with the discussion,

Mr. Helper.

But since you want to help,

maybe you can help me, OK?

You remember that thing

we had about thirty years ago...

called the Korean conflict?

Yeah. Where we failed

to achieve victory.

How come we didn't cross

the 38th parallel...

and push those rice-eaters back

to the Great Wall of China...

and take it apart

brick by brick...

and nuke them back into

the f***in' stone age forever?

How come? Tell me?

Why? Say it! Say it!

All right, I'll say it.

'Cause Truman was too much

of a p*ssy wimp...

to let MacArthur go in and blow

out those commie bastards!

Good answer. Good answer.

I like the way you think.

I'm gonna be watching you.

Good teacher.

He really seems to care.

About what, I have no idea.

College is all right,

I'll tell you that.

Hey, buddy, be my guest.

Here's a pen.

Boys, here's a couple of pens,

in case you learn how to write.

- I know you.

- Oh, yeah? Here's a pen.

You do those

obnoxious commercials.

You're tall and fat.

Yeah, you're short and ugly.

Give me the pen back, will ya?

Honey, here's a pen.

Boys, how are ya?

"And Gibraltar is a girl...

"where I was a flower

of the mountain.

"Yes, when I put

the rose in my hair...

"like the

Andalusian girls used.

"Or shall I wear red?

"Yes. And how he kissed me

under the Moorish wall...

"and I thought...

"well, as well him as another.

"And then I ask him

with my eyes to ask again.

"Yes. And then he asked me

would I yes to say yes.

"My mountain flower.

"And first I put my arms

around him, yes...

"and drew him down to me...

"so he could feel my breasts

all perfumed, yes...

"and his heart was going

like mad, and yes...

"I said, yes, I will, yes."

Yes! Yes!

Thanks for the vote

of confidence.

I think Joyce

is pretty hot, too.

And now that

I've got your attention...

I'd like to run down

the reading list...

for the semester.

See what else turns you on.

What a woman.

Dad, she is the teacher.

I know. I like teachers.

If you do something wrong,

they make you do it over again.

Don't you think maybe

you should just take some notes?

Yeah, yeah.

I gave away all my pens.

I'm sorry. I need this back.

Here's a calendar for you.

Oh, hiya.

Hello, Mr. Melon.

You waiting for me?

Yes, I was. Look,

I know I'm only a freshman...

but what do you say

you and I have dinner tonight?

We could talk about Joyce.

She's my favorite writer.

You're not the usual freshman,

but I'm sorry, I can't.

The thing is,

I'm sort of going with someone.

Oh. Where you going?

That's a good question.

Actually, I'd like to join you,

but I have class tonight.

- How about tomorrow night?

- I have class then, too.

I'll tell you what, then.

Why don't you call me

when you have no class?

All right. Maybe I will.

Hello, Philip.

What did he want?

Oh, what do all men want?

He wants you to dress up

as Wonder Woman...

tie him up with a golden lariat

and force him to tell the truth?

No, just dinner, Philip.

Are you jealous

of Thornton Melon?

Certainly not.

I've been doing a great deal

of thinking lately.

I've been thinking about us.

- And?

- And I think...

we should start thinking

about forming a...

well, um...

A merger?

A merger, exactly.

Exactly, a merger.

A partnership.

Seriously, Diane...

we're both intelligent,

well-educated adults.

We should be together.

Incorporated, if you will.

Look at the balance sheet.

We were made for one another.

Oh, Philip, you darling.

I don't want to be merged

or incorporated.

I want to have fun

and be romanced and be loved.

So let's not rush

into anything.

Let's just start

by having fun, OK?

Hey, how are you?

What's happening?

Hi!

A lot of people are talking

about your dad, man.

What's happening?

Hey, boys, how ya doin'?

I wonder why.

They have lockers.

You could've changed here.

I don't change

in front of guys.

Next thing you know, you're

showering with the fellas.

And the next thing you know...

you're pinned to a sophomore

named Chip.

Come on, let's go, huh?

I'll see you later.

That was pretty good.

Next time, hold the pike

a little longer.

Wait a minute.

I'll be right down.

Not bad.

All right, let's see one more.

Like I showed you.

All right.

What's a guy your age

doing here with these kids?

I'm lookin' for the fountain

of middle age.

What's your story?

I'm setting the new record for

the most consecutive losses...

by a diving coach

in this conference.

Hey, remember,

hold that pike longer.

- That your kid?

- Yeah.

Who coached him in high school?

Yours truly.

So, where did you learn

how to dive?

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