Backyard Ashes Page #2

I'll fix the fence up

before we head off tomorrow.

No, don't bother.

We'll see what sort of nutter

buys the joint.

If he's anything like you,

I'll build a frigging moat.

(CHUCKLES)

Righto.

Come on, darling, wake up.

Go on. Into bed.

You alright?

(BEER BOTTLE HISSES)

(BOTTLE TOP CLATTERS)

Do you reckon someone

will move in soon, Dad?

- I don't know, love.

- Maybe they'll like cricket.

Yeah, maybe.

- What are you two up to?

- Nothing.

- DOUGIE:
What's up?

- Um...

I was just checking my Facebook...

Bloody Facebook!

What do I care what some bastard's

doing every three minutes?

Anyway, there's a message here

from Norm and Denise.

Really? How are they doing?

Not real good.

Houses are a bit expensive.

They'll have to rent

longer than they thought.

- Norm will go nuts.

- LILLEE:
Hmm.

Bastard! Cancelled his

contract just like that!

- Don't get started again...

- It's as weak as piss.

He could've given him

a bit of notice. I mean...

We could be next.

I'm telling you, Lil. We could.

- They'll go through that factory...

- (TRUCK BRAKE HISSES)

It's them.

MAC:
Well, you're right,

Wil. It is a removalist.

I can't see much. Oh, the

furniture looks a bit la-di-da.

Hmm. Seen better days, I reckon.

- You certainly have.

- Hm.

- Hm.

- What?

What? Furniture.

It's a bit exciting when someone

new moves in, isn't it, darl?

You think so?

- DOUGIE:
Oh, bugger me!

- What? What is it?

Oh, that slimy weasel!

Who? What are you talking about?

- It's bloody Jardine!

- LILLEE:
Jardine?

DOUGIE:
Edward what's-his-name.

The toffy-nosed Pom from work.

- Who?

- Lords!

Spit it out, Doug.

That's the bastard

that sacked Norm.

- No.

- DOUGIE:
Yeah.

The prick's gone and bought

his house on the cheap.

LILLEE:
That's a bit ordinary.

I can't live next door

to a bloke like that.

- I'm gonna...

- What?

Pull your head in.

I'm sure we can

handle this sensibly.

Bloody Jardine!

What do you think? I know.

Not forever.

(DOG BARKS)

(BARKING CONTINUES)

(COLLAR BELL JINGLES)

(CAT MEOWS, DOG BARKS)

DOUGIE:
Dougall!

Sorry about that.

(CAT MEOWS)

(HISSES AND MEOWS)

It's alright. It's alright. I know.

MacDougall, good boy!

You done good, boy.

Anyhow, I must be off,

but have a think about it.

We'd love to have you

and they're usually lots of fun.

Oh, yes, I'm sure they are.

It's Edward, really.

He's not much for socialising.

I sometimes think he prefers

the company of the cat.

(LAUGHS) No worries.

- But thanks for the offer, Lillee.

- You're both always welcome. Hello.

- What was all that about?

- That was Lillee.

She's invited us over

for a barbecue.

Very nice of her, don't you think?

Well, you can certainly

count me out.

It's a ridiculous idea.

It wouldn't hurt to meet

a few of the locals, Edward.

The locals?

I have far more

important things to do

than attend one of their

cretinous backyard booze-ups.

My God, you can be so rude.

Rude? I'm the one who

has to tolerate them at work.

Why should I put up with them and their

noisy children in my spare time?

Give them a chance, Edward.

Besides, you chose the house.

Yes. Well, I didn't know

who the neighbours were.

Who in their right mind

would move next door

to that sorry lot?

A Pommy tight-arse

looking for a deal?

How's Dexter's rash?

- Hey, Mouse. How you doing?

- Good, thanks.

- Hi, Merv.

- Hello. How are you?

Hi, guys!

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION

AND LAUGHTER)

- So, how's your new mate going?

- How would I know?

I can't believe the sneaky mongrel

actually had the bloody cheek

to buy Norm's joint.

And to make it worse, he's a Pommy.

OK, you guys, give it a break.

Here they come now.

LILLEE:

Ah, it's just Grace on her own.

- Thank Christ for that.

- Hey, Doug, behave yourself.

I'm warning the lot of ya.

Hi, Grace.

- Glad you could make it.

- Thanks, Lillee.

Sorry about Edward.

He's busy at work.

Ah, that's a pity. Never mind,

we'll catch up some other time.

(KIWI ACCENT)

Hey, Spock, you sh*t kicker,

how about you lift a finger

for once and get us a drink, eh?

Only if you say fish and chips.

- Piss off.

- Close enough.

(GROANS)

Jesus, you blokes never leave off.

Oh!

SPOCK:

Have you cleaned out the van?

Of course I did, Spooky.

That Mr Whippy van's

been spit-polished

to a mirror finish.

- She's spick and span, Spock.

- I'll take that as a yes.

Oh, hi, Kerri. How's it going?

- Pretty choice, bro.

- I know what you're after.

Here's the keys to the van.

Left some spare

iceblocks in the fridge.

Middle shelf. Don't tell Spock.

You'll need some scissors

to open them too, Kerri.

LILLEE:

Not the good scissors, Kerri!

- (SHOUTING)

- (LAUGHS)

What's the matter, Shep?

Didn't see that one coming?

Piss off, Spock.

If we'd wrapped it in wool

you'd have hit it.

You blokes won't be smiling

when I knock the skin

off this next one.

Jeez, we're scared, old timer.

Could someone get Merv's glasses?

In fact, use the ball

with the bell in it.

Piss off, Spock!

You've stacked on a bit of

weight in the winter months.

Because every time

I shagged your mum,

she threw me a biscuit.

- Mmm.

- Come on, do your worst.

(SHOUTING)

- That is bullshit!

- We'll go upstairs for you.

Piss off, you're out!

Did you get that on video, Pigeon?

Sorry, Merv. Busy.

That'd be right. Alright,

must be my bowl, then.

That's drinks, ladies.

MERV:
You do that every time

it's my turn to bowl.

Beer o'clock.

- A beer, Spooky?

- Um, not just yet, mate.

Hey, boys, when was

the last time you remember

that Spooky wasn't thirsty

at the esky at drinks?

- Yeah, good point, Douglas.

- What are you saying, Dougie?

I think he might have found

a lady friend.

I haven't seen that for a while!

Shh! Go easy on him.

- Cheers, mate.

- How you going, Warnie?

Good. I just... I was...

I put on a bet.

Oh, yeah. Let us know

if she's a winner.

What? Oh, alright.

(LILLEE LAUGHS)

MEN:
Whoa!

I'll get it.

Have you blokes ever heard

of hitting it along the ground?

(CHOIRBOYS "BOYS WILL BE BOYS")

- Did you find it, Dad?

- Yeah.

(MUFFLED ROCK MUSIC)

Hey, Pidge!

You can turn this one up a bit.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)

Doug? Doug!

Take it easy, it's getting late.

OK, love. Just having a bit of fun.

- Must be my bowl.

- MERV:
Two to come.

(SHOUTING)

(DISTANT MUSIC)

You two having a good time

in there?

They are an uneducated, unruly mob!

- GRACE:
What's that, love?

- Next door!

How often do I

have to put up with this?

You should come over, Edward.

I mean, they really are

very nice people.

They're all bloody mad,

playing cricket till all hours.

Couldn't care less

about the neighbours.

Most of the neighbours are over there.

They don't seem to have a problem.

Besides, I seem to recall

you liking cricket too.

Well, they've upset Dexter.

He doesn't approve.

Yes, I'm sure he doesn't.

I think he's getting his cold...

(DISTANT SHOUTING)

Fine.

(HEAVY METAL PLAYS)

(GLASS SHATTERS)

(SIGHS)

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