Backyard Ashes Page #3

(HAMMERING)

(WHIRRING)

(HAMMERING)

(WHIRRING)

(KOOKABURRA CALLS)

Bloody Jardine!

(THE ANGELS "AM I EVER GONNA

SEE YOUR FACE AGAIN")

Shep? Take it right over, please.

Right over towards that blue drum.

Yeah, we've got all day,

Shep. We've got all day.

Faster.

Shep, if you listened

the first time,

you wouldn't have to

do it so many times.

(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

(HEAVY METAL MUSIC BLARES)

(CLICKS FINGERS IN TIME WITH MUSIC)

(WHIRRING)

(GIGGLES)

Mr Lords? Can I have my ball back?

MOUSE:

Could I have my ball back, please?

Thanks, Mr Lords!

(CLATTERING)

(WOOD CRASHES)

- What was that?

- I don't know, love.

Sounds big. You'd better

go and have a look.

Hmm.

Go on.

(RATTLING)

- What have you done now?

- Me?

You're the idiot

that overloaded the fence!

Well, it wouldn't be necessary

if you and your yobbo mates

could just be a little considerate!

You could buy a new one with the

money you stiffed Norm on his house.

- That's ridiculous.

- Is it?

You cost good people their jobs

and you don't give a sh*t!

If it wasn't for me,

you'd all be out of a job!

Mate, if you believe that,

then you're a deadset wanker.

Where are you going?

You gotta come back

and fix this fence!

That's what I'm doing!

- What are you doing?

- (GRUNTS)

Oh, haven't you heard, friend?

Good fences make good neighbours!

Nice one, Shakespeare.

It's Robert Frost, imbecile.

(BILLY THORPE "MOST PEOPLE I

KNOW (THINK THAT I'M CRAZY)")

(GRUMBLES)

MAC:
It's gonna hit the fan, Wilma.

Oh, don't be

so damned melodramatic!

Here comes poor old

Lillee. Shush now!

- Doug!

- Edward!

Yeah, I know.

I'm up half the night.

Fence is stuffed.

- MERV:
Totally rooted?

- Well and truly rooted.

I'm going to send the bill to

Jardine. Get him to cough up.

What's a bloke gotta do

to get a beer around here?

Asking politely would be nice.

Ooh, this joint's gone

all la-di-da.

Uh, can I have a beer, please,

Mr D*ckhead?

You're a funny man, Spock.

I'll have one for the road.

Nature calls.

EDWARD:
Your spin bowl's excellent.

- Excuse me.

- Sorry.

It absolutely paid off... Douglas.

Well, I didn't take you

for a cricketer.

I wouldn't miss it,

especially the proper game.

- Chaps, this is Douglas.

- Dougie.

You chaps should know Douglas.

He works at the factory.

- He's the...

- Fitter and turner.

Yes, fitter and turner.

That's right.

He also lives next door to me.

- You're the barricade man.

- Am I?

Yes, I heard about that

fence business last night.

So you're the mad bastard

playing silly buggers

with the boss here.

You're a brave man.

- You can't choose your neighbours.

- No, unfortunately.

Apparently Douglas

is a bit of a cricketer.

We should get together

for a game some time, Doug.

- You think so?

- Yeah.

He's a bit more

of your backyard variety.

Not the proper game.

Oh. Not a fan of the

nasty hard ball, Dougie?

(LAUGHTER)

Listen, I can't stand around here

making new friends all night.

Might catch you blokes a bit later.

You never know,

we might show you

how the game's really played.

- MERV:
Wanker.

- Excuse me?

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)

(MEOWS)

DOUGIE:

Bloody hell! Go on, get out of it!

Get out of it!

Bloody thing. Go on, shoo! Get out!

(SIGHS)

(GROANS)

I'm gonna murder that cat.

Furry bloody pencil sharpener.

It'd better be counting

its nine lives.

(PIGEON SNIGGERS)

And what are you doing, Glenn?

Can't a man have a bit of

privacy in his own backyard?

I was just videoing some mad bloke

talking to himself about a cat.

If you've got so much time

on your hands,

you can give this lawn a quick

go-over before the mob arrives.

Sorry, Dad. Just remembered...

I've got this... study group.

(WHISPERING) Study group.

(THRASH METAL PLAYS)

Study group.

Ohh! (SNIFFS)

- Come on! Come on!

- Safe.

Well done. Well done.

Speed it up a bit, Mervyn.

(EXCLAMATIONS)

Dougie's in scintillating form

here today,

batting like he's got

a personal vendetta

against the tennis ball, belting

felt all around the ground.

Put a sock in it, Spock.

Sock and Spock.

This fella's a poet as well.

Mind you, he was dropped earlier.

It was a sitter actually.

Poor old Taka.

Don't you be taking my piss,

Mr Spooky.

Start the car, Ritchie.

Had to be one of the simplest

chances I've ever seen.

Otherwise known as 'Can't Bat,

Can't Bowl, Can't Field Tojo'.

Oi!

(LAUGHTER)

Why is it whenever

I hit a bit of form,

you blokes start

buggerising around?

Dougie's just worried you'll get

water on his precious pitch.

Can we have some quiet

from the peanut gallery?

Had your second

Chardonnay, darling?

Third actually, but who's counting?

Look out, Dougie, you

could be in a bit of trouble.

You might be scoring more than runs

before the night's out, mate.

Behave, Mervin.

Can we just cut the gutter talk

and get on with the game?

Alright, Douglas.

(ALL EXCLAIM)

DOUGIE:
Over.

(SPOCK SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

(SOFT JINGLING)

Come on, Dougie, it's your bowl.

I wanna bat.

(GAS HISSES)

- SPOCK:
Get your hand off it.

- DOUGIE:
Don't you want to eat?

(MEOWS)

Alright, Kerri. About time

we got this bugger out.

Oh, come on, Merv. No pushing in.

We'll be here all bloody day

if I don't take over.

- It's OK, Dad.

- MERV:
Good on you, Mouse.

No worries, Merv.

Are you ready for this, Dougie?

Oh, here we go.

The full Dennis Lillee.

Complete with long run-up...

gold chain...

and chin music.

- (LAUGHS)

- Come on, do your worst.

(CLAPPING)

Thank you, ladies.

(CLAPPING CONTINUES)

WOMEN:
Whoa!

(YOWLS)

(WHIRRING)

(WHISPERS) Christ!

(BOOM!)

(CRACKLING)

(COUGHING)

- ALL:
Oh!

- MOUSE:
Oh, gross!

- It would've hurt.

- It's gotta be out.

- Wow, great footage.

- Is it dead?

I guess nine lives

weren't quite enough.

Who ordered their cat well done?

Oh, shut up, Spock,

for Christ's sake!

This is not good. Doug!

Well, you're all witnesses.

It was an accident, right?

- Right, Bin?

- Yes, Douglas, an accident.

(CHUCKLES)

DOUGIE:
Merv?

- Yeah, that's what it looked like...

- DOUGIE:
Spock?

Yeah, it was an accident.

A pretty funny accident.

(GIGGLING)

Oh, the poor thing.

Doug, do something.

(CRACKLING)

Oh!

(CLATTERING)

(JINGLING)

(BLOWS)

(JINGLING)

What are you gonna do

with the ashes?

- I don't know.

- You'll have to tell him, Doug.

(SIGHS) I will.

- Was he fond of the pet?

- Yeah.

Yeah, he put it in shows and sh*t.

Cooking shows?

Oh, God. Look at that,

is that the time?

- Oh, yeah, it is late.

- That's crept up on us.

It's... it's been a...

great afternoon, once again.

Sorry. Must be off.

Very sorry, Douglas, about

your catastrophe. (GIGGLES)

- Very funny.

- Doug, Lil. Great day.

Yeah.

Oh, thanks, guys, for your support.

Since when did the barbie

turn into a blast furnace?

- I... I...

- No.

(SIGHS)

You have to go and tell him, Doug.

I know that, but

what am I gonna say?

This'd be a lot

easier if you weren't

bluein' with him all the time.

It just would look less like

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