Backyard Ashes Page #4

you did it on purpose.

On purpose?

But as if... I wouldn't...

- As if...

- Poor cat.

(EXHALES)

(KNOCKS)

(DOOR OPENS)

- Oh, hi, Dougie.

- Hi, Grace.

Sorry about the barbecue.

We really were very busy.

That's fine. I was wondering

if Edward was home.

Oh. No, as a matter of fact.

But he shouldn't be long.

He's just gone over to the park

to see if he can find Dexter.

Stupid cat's wandered off again.

- I see.

- He can't be far.

You know what Edward's like,

won't let him out of his sight

for a minute.

Hmm, yeah.

- What's that you've got there?

- It's something for Edward.

Would you like me to give to him?

- No, I'll wait.

- EDWARD:
Wait for what?

Oh, Edward. Hi.

Yeah, I'm afraid

I've got some bad news.

Bad news? About what?

Your cat.

There's been a bit of an accident.

What's happened? Where is he?

He's in here.

In the jar. What do you mean?

- His remains.

- Oh, my goodness!

- GRACE:
What happened?

- We were playing cricket.

And the ball hit him and

he fell... into the barbecue.

And was burnt. Well...

- More like incinerated.

- Incinerated?

Oh, my God! How awful!

This is all that's left.

- I don't believe you.

- Sorry?

This is some son of

infantile convict humour

that you and your drunken cronies

have invented to stir me up.

- No, you don't understand.

- Oh, I understand alright.

It was a good try. It didn't

work. Good afternoon.

(JAR JINGLES)

(JAR JINGLES)

This is all of him?

Pretty much, yeah.

I'm sorry. It really

was an accident.

So this is how you operate.

What?

You didn't like it when

I fired your friend, did you?

You didn't like it when

I moved in next door.

What are you saying?

Instead of stating your case

like a gentleman...

you murdered an innocent creature.

Oh, now, I don't think

anyone would do that on purpose.

Yes, Grace. I think he would.

You haven't heard

the last of this, Waters!

That went better than expected.

(AUTOZAMM "ALL THAT WOMAN")

Hey, guys. Check this out.

(LAUGHTER, INDISTINCT CHATTER)

You want to see something

really gross?

MAN:
Yeah, always.

A champion feline's

been incinerated on a barbie

after a backyard cricket

match turned feral.

REPORTER:
No need for the

third umpie, it's all on video.

- And the cat's a goner.

- (LAUGHTER)

PIGEON:
Holy sh*t!

Dad.

Why doesn't he buy another

cat and get over it?

I don't think

he'll ever get over it.

Well, after all,

you did kill his cat.

Yeah, but he still reckons

I did it on purpose.

Oh, the man's a bloody idiot.

Afternoon, gentlemen. Don't get up.

Spooky. We were just discussing

Edward Lord's love of his pet.

His pet was all over the internet.

What?

SPOCK:
The cat in the barbie

video, it's gone viral.

It's very funny.

You're famous, mate.

Well, sort of. Depending on which

side of the fence you live on.

Pigeon and that bloody camera!

Dougie Waters...

legend in his own backyard.

God, here comes

the soft-drink brigade.

Karla, get us a jug of squash,

would you, love?

- FREDDY:
Very...

- Here we go.

Oh, look who's here.

You're a busy man, Douglas.

I mean, one minute

you're 'the barricade man',

and the next...

you're a cat killer.

Very funny.

- You learn to play cricket yet?

- I'm working on it.

Don't wait too long.

We just took out

the business house competition.

Ah, the shithouse cup.

Yes, with very

little resistance, mind you.

- Thank you.

- ARTHUR:
Right, chaps?

- EDWARD:
Cheers, to the victors.

- ALL:
Cheers. To the victors.

Look, I know I'm not your...

favourite person at the moment.

If you're enquiring

if I've forgiven you

for murdering my cat,

the answer is no!

She was a nice cat...

He was a prize-winning

pedigree pet and companion.

Really was an accident. Yeah?

ALL:

Yeah, of course it was. Definitely.

And I just wanna say

that I really am sorry.

NEWSCASTER:

The regional town of Wagga Wagga

has witnessed

a heated cricket event unfurling

as rival neighbours

battle over allegations

of a ritual cat burning.

(GAS HUMS)

(CAT YOWLS)

ALL:
Oh!

(WHIRRING)

(WHOOSH!)

ALL:
Oh!

(GASPING AND LAUGHTER)

It was an accident.

- SPOCK:
We're on the telly.

- BIN:
Yeah.

At least the yard came up a treat.

NEWSCASTER:
Tensions reminiscent

of the infamous Bodyline Series

are once again on the rise

as an estranged cat lover...

Public humiliation, that's what it is.

Nothing short of slander.

I have a good mind

to contact my lawyer.

(GRUNTS) Needs salt.

You're taking it all

too seriously, Edward.

Oh, am I?

Head office called today.

They know about it in England.

They want to know if they should

send someone down to sort it out.

Well, it needs to be sorted out.

They're insinuating

I've lost control!

Maybe you have.

Maybe it's about time you

had a good look at yourself.

I'm under a lot of pressure, Grace!

And those boys

are all out to take my job!

They'd jump in my grave

as soon as look at me!

I know that!

It's just that I thought moving

here might allow you to relax,

and let go a little.

But you've shut yourself off

from everyone.

From me.

What do you suggest I do?

Well, first,

you might try apologising.

Oh, you want me to apologise

to him for killing my cat?

You might at least accept

his apology.

There's about as much chance

of that happening

as Dougie Waters

keeping his job at the factory!

Edward Lords, you wouldn't.

It is one solution. Now, I'm...

I've had enough of this.

I'm going for my evening walk,

the one I used to take with Dexter.

Who walks a bloody cat anyway?

I know, Grace,

it's just getting ridiculous.

You're right, you know.

Edward's become unbearable.

Dougie's the same.

They're just a big pair of sooks.

I can't see either of them

apologising at this rate.

We'll have to do something

about it.

The sooner the better

as far as I'm concerned.

Listen, I've got a bit of an idea.

No... no, all the finance will

be in place tomorrow afternoon.

(EDWARD CONTINUES

SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

It's... it's not...

(STAND-OFF MUSIC)

REPORTERS:
Mr Waters!

(ALL SHOUT TOGETHER)

Can we get a comment

about the cat incident?

No comment.

- The viewers were wondering...

- Let them wonder.

I have no comment either...

We've been told there'll be

a grudge cricket match

between you two.

A grudge cricket match?

A reliable source was telling...

What source?

I understand it'll be held

in your backyard.

- In my backyard?

- Your backyard. That's typical.

What's wrong with my backyard?

- It wouldn't matter where...

- Tell us about the rules.

- What rules?

- (ALL SHOUT TOGETHER)

Get out of the way!

You'd need rules to deal with

this cheating bastard.

- Excuse me!

- (ALL SHOUT)

And so, with this backyard

test match now imminent,

we leave these two diversely

opposed captains to ponder

over what the Ashes really mean.

REPORTER:
That 'cat in the

barbecue' saga may be resolved.

The two men have agreed

to settle their differences

with a game of backyard cricket.

The winner gets to keep

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