Backyard Ashes Page #5

the cat's ashes.

Let's hope they get the rules sorted

out before this thing turns ugly.

- Dougie.

- Yep.

- About the rules, mate.

- What rules?

The rules for the big match.

I expect you'll be doing one-hand,

one-bounce rule?

Yeah.

Only if you've got a beer

in your hand.

No probs.

No LBs.

- Eh?

- No LBWs.

Too many arguments.

(KNOCKING)

It can't... it can't be Japan.

Mr Lords, can I just say,

no retirements.

- What are you talking about?

- Oh, in the game.

You shouldn't have to retire when you're

batting, no matter how many runs...

Thank you for sharing, Vicky. Thank you.

That's very good, thanks.

So you can't get out first ball,

is that right, Dougie?

That's right, Taka.

You can't get out on a golden duck.

Cool. Cheers. See ya.

Yes!

RADIO CALLER:
Anything on

the roof is six and out, John.

It always has been

since time immemorial.

RADIO ANNOUNCER:
Next caller.

RADIO CALLER:
Hope they're not

playing that silly tip-and-run rule!

RADIO ANNOUNCER:

That goes without saying.

On the other line, we have

Rodney from Bacchus Marsh.

Look, it's just a game.

What do you mean

'It's just a game'?

- We're playing for pride here, Shep.

- Mervyn's right.

We can't let these imperialist

bastards bring us down.

There's a lot more at stake

here than just a game.

You're not gonna tell

it's the bloody vibe, are ya?

No, it's the Ashes!

Fellas, let's not forget these blokes

actually play cricket.

Puts a bit of pressure on,

don't you reckon?

Possibly more than

I can cope with, I'm afraid.

Maybe we should check out

the competition.

You mean spying, Mervyn?

Not spying, Taka. Research.

We'll use the van.

- Yeah.

- And get Pidge and his camera.

Good idea, Shep. I've got no idea

why people say you're dumb.

Hey, who says I'm dumb?

How good could they be?

After all, it's only a tennis ball.

They'll probably be drunk anyway.

Nevertheless, don't underestimate

a cornered convict.

(GREENSLEEVES PLAYS)

Turn it off! Turn it off quickly!

Nice one, Bin!

Why don't you just ring 'em

and tell 'em we're here?

Well, can you see anything

we can't, Double-O D*ckhead?

They're much more efficient

than we first thought.

I like this stalking business.

It's research, Taka.

Here, give me a look.

What do you reckon, Spock?

Are they any good?

SPOCK:
'Fraid so, boys.

BIN:
We need to start training.

A bit late for that,

wouldn't you reckon?

No. We should do it.

We should give it a crack.

- For Dougie.

- Alright, then.

Let's get outta here

before we get sprung.

(GREENSLEEVES PLAYS)

(CHILDREN SCREAM)

On a day like today

I feel the urge to play

- Defence.

- Bring the bat

- That's it, beautiful.

- Bring the ball

To the backyard, one and all

The pitch needs one more roll

Bring me beer

I'm ready to bowl

Today, I really need to play

Grab a bat, grab a ball

Take me to the backyard

Let me loose on the turf

- Beautiful!

Thundering from either end

And bowl 'em for all you're worth

Hit 'em high, hit 'em low

Out in the backyard

Put those runs on the board

- See if you can get an edge.

Raise your bat and take a bow

Cheer every run we score

- Elbow up, elbow up.

- (GRUNTS)

- (WHINES)

My belly is on fire

with ambition and desire

Soon it's my turn with the bat

The runs will flow

Don't you worry about that

Six and out is a rule that's in

It's just not cricket

if we don't win

Today, I really need to play

- Hey! Well done.

Grab a bat and grab a ball

- Take me to the backyard

- Let me loose on the turf

- Yes!

Thundering from either end

And bowl 'em for all you're worth

Hit 'em high, hit 'em low

out in the backyard

Put those runs on the board

Raise your bat and take a bow...

Yes, it is difficult. We are a

bit short-staffed at the moment.

So I am sorry but I'm gonna

need you to work this weekend.

I'm sorry but I'm unavailable

to work this weekend, Mr Lords.

Oh, really, why's that?

Well, to tell you the truth,

I promised Mr Douglas

I'd play in his challenging

backyard cricket match.

Oh, I didn't realise you played.

Well, I am sorry.

I wish there was something I

could do, but my hands are tied.

Well, accept my sympathies

for your bondage,

but there's nobody else

that can work my shift?

- I wish there were. Sorry.

- No, I can't let Douglas down.

So I regret to inform you

I cannot work this weekend.

Alright, I see.

By the way... how is Norm doing?

- That's bullshit.

- There's just nothing I can do.

He knew you'd be playing

in that game.

That's right, Douglas, but I'm

not in a position to defy him.

That pommy bastard wanker!

Don't hold back, Taka.

Tell us what you really think.

Prick said he'll give us

the sack if we don't come in.

Mate, we can't afford

to lose these jobs.

I feel like sh*t, hey, Dougie.

You're not gonna risk your jobs

for a silly game.

Don't think we didn't think

about quitting.

We'll just forget the whole thing.

No worries, Doug.

Sorry, Dougie.

DOUG:
Hey, Taka.

It's OK, mate.

Bags batting first, Dad!

Don't bowl too fast, will ya?

Not today, Mouse, OK?

Oh. Well, how about you bat, then?

Nah, not today.

I wanna try out my wrong'un.

I said no, Kerri.

Don't you understand no?

OK. You big meanie.

Hey, that's gonna help,

taking it out on Kerri.

What?

You and your blue with

Edward. It's not her fault.

Did I say it was?

Well, stop moping around

like a sick puppy

and do something constructive.

OK.

Sort it out, Doug.

Yeah, I will.

(SPORTS COMMENTARY ON TV)

- (CHUCKLES)

- What you doing, Dad?

Oh, just working out a few

replacements for the big game.

Had a few last-minute replacements.

What do you think so far?

They look good.

Who's this?

That's Merv. Thank God

we still got him.

And that's Nehru.

Not bad for an opening pair, eh?

Who's this one?

That's you.

Me? Am I playing?

Of course you are.

You want to play, don't you?

Yeah. Thanks, Dad!

So... what's the burnt chip

on the board?

That's poor old Dexter.

Dad, that's awful.

Is that one of the good towels?

Which are the good towels?

The ones rolled up in the bathroom.

They're only for guests, Doug.

What's the point of having good towels

if you're not allowed to use them?

Guests, Dougie. Guests!

(BREATHES LOUDLY)

(GRUNTS)

(GROWLS)

(LAUGHS EVILLY)

(YELLS)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

I say, Captain, old chap,

permission to speak.

Granted.

It seems to me we are

never going to get

this Dougie Bradman cove out.

The blighter's already scored 994 runs

and it's only the third over, sir.

- Any ideas?

- Ideas? I'm the Captain of England.

Of course I've got ideas!

- Damn good show!

- What do you suggest?

Well, it's simple.

We bring out the Bodyline!

Oh, God, no. Not that.

Please, sir, anything but that!

Pull yourself together, man!

Remember...

this is for the Ashes.

Now, let's go out there...

and do it!

ALL:
Huzza!

(BALL WHISTLES THROUGH AIR)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHTER)

Bloody Jardine!

(SNIGGERS)

(NOISEWORKS "TOUCH")

Reach out and

Reach out and touch somebody

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