Backyard Ashes Page #6

Reach out and

Reach out and

Reach out and touch somebody...

REPORTER:

Well, the day has finally arrived.

The backyard grudge match

that's captured the nation's

attention this summer

will commence in

just a few short moments.

Cricket fanatics everywhere

are ready to witness

one of the most unusual sporting

events in recent memory...

an event the public

has named 'The Backyard Ashes'.

Norm!

You old bastard!

What are you doing here?

Oh, I had a few days off

so we thought we'd come down,

have a look at this silly bloody game

everyone's talking about.

Besides, I thought you might need

a real cricketer for a change.

Fantastic! Who did you bring?

- (LAUGHS)

- You're gonna may?

Yeah, for sure.

Well, don't just stand here

like a pile of pelican sh*t.

Give us a hand with the pitch.

Righto, mate. What do

you want done first?

- Get on that roller!

- Righto, mate. Not a problem.

Hey. Oh, no, steady on.

We can't be having too many.

We've got a very important job

to do today, Wilma.

What job?

Well, young Kerri popped over

earlier on, dropped this off.

We are gonna be the official

scorers for the game!

Oh, for heaven's sake!

Hey, look, Wilma!

There's more of 'em pouring in.

CROWD:
Why are we waiting?

Aussie, Aussie, Aussie! Oi, oi, oi!

Aussie! Oi! Aussie! Oi!

Aussie, Aussie, Aussie! Oi, oi, oi!

(CROWD CHEERS)

Hey, yeah

If you wanna be in my gang,

stand up with me

We'll start a revolution

and make the streets free

We'll never weaken

We'll give it our best

Can't be defeated

We're better than the rest

(ALL CHEER)

I think we might have made a mistake

going public with this, Lil.

No! No, she'll be right, Gracie.

(ALL CHEER)

So let us show them

We'll fight the world

We can't be beaten

What'll we tell 'em, boys?

We can't be beaten

There comes a time

when every man must fight

When he believes

in justice and right...

- Dougie.

- Bullshit.

- (LAUGHS) Nifty Normy.

- What are you bastards doing here?

We couldn't let a silly thing like

work stop us from being here, Douglas.

Where's Shep?

Sorry, Dougie, but...

Shep didn't make it.

He isn't dead, Spock.

- He finishes in a couple of hours.

- He's at work.

- Oh, good man.

- Shouldn't you all be at work?

Oh, sorry, mate,

but we've all come down

with that lurgy

that's going around.

(ALL COUGH)

Well, I hope you all have

your doctor's certificate.

(LAUGHS) Any boss who sacks anyone

for not turning up today is a bum!

MAN:
Good on you, Mac.

(ALL LAUGH)

You're a bunch of mad bastards,

you Aussies.

You and your... mateship.

I don't get it.

Yeah, whatever.

So you took a sickie.

Oh, it'd be un-Australian not to!

DOUG:
Alright.

- Dougie, got a minute?

- Yeah.

I know you've got

a bit of a full house today,

but you'd be able

to squeeze one more in?

Who?

Oh... She's, um...

DOUG:
Oh, um...

- A couple of bets?

- Yeah.

No problem. The more, the merrier.

Cheers.

ALL:
Whoa!

I really appreciate you helping me

get dressed for the special day.

- (ALL LAUGH)

- No worries, Tak.

(ALL MAP)

Sh*t, Taka, I didn't know

it was fancy dress.

Don't you be taking

the piss, Spooky.

- Good use of the slang, Taka.

- No worries, mate.

Hey, Kerri, you'd better put

MacDougall in the shed.

But he's our best fieldsman, Dad!

Yeah, but when everyone's here,

he'll be under our feet.

- Yeah, alright.

- How are you feeling about today?

- Good.

- Good girl.

(DOG BARKS)

So, um... Kerri gets a

guernsey, eh, Douglas?

Bloody oath. Don't worry about her,

mate. She'll be right.

Oh, no, no, of course.

Yeah, she'll be fine.

SPOCK:
Yeah, she's a beauty.

She reminds me a lot of Merv

when he was a little girl.

You're a funny man, Spock.

Alright, boys, let's

get on our toes.

Time for action!

Let's get this over and done with.

We're on our way.

Don't catch your skirts

on the fence.

- What, what?

- Nothing.

Nothing at all.

(ALL CHEER)

CROWD:

Aussie, Aussie, Aussie! Oi, oi, oi!

(CROWD CONTINUES CHANTING)

- That'd be visitors' call, I suppose?

- EDWARD:
If you say so.

EDWARD:
Tails.

DOUG:
We'll have a bat.

(ALL CHEER)

Yes, it's a good idea.

Why is that?

We'll get this over and

done with a lot sooner

if you lot bat first.

Pigeon, hey, come here.

The Aussies have decided to bat

on a perfect batting strip.

And we're about to talk to the man

who knows every inch of this pitch,

the curator and the captain

of the home side...

Dougie Waters.

What are your

pre-match thoughts, Douglas?

- Piss off, Spock.

- Well, you heard it right here.

It's a very tense environment

here at the G.

We're gonna cross now to Mumbles,

who's with the captain of the

touring side, Edward Lords.

How you feel about losing toss?

Think it might be a sign

of things to come?

- Piss off, Spock.

- Well, there you have it.

Both captains are in agreement that

I should indeed be pissing off.

(CROWD CHANTS)

Here we have the Barmy

Army... they're all here,

having overstayed their visas

to support the visiting side

and get horrifically sunburnt.

What a lyrically talented nation

they are.

Back to you in the studio.

And welcome back to the G.

Big crowd in today for the start

of this much talked about match.

Norm gets off to a fine start

with a punch through covers.

The British show their intentions

with a quick single.

Nice hobbling between

the wickets from Merv.

See the people

who stop and stare and say

'Haven't I seen that face

somewhere a long time ago?'

- (CROWD CHEERS)

- Come on!

When I walk down the street

(ALL ARGUE)

See the stranger who says...

Normy's fallen for the

oldest trick in the book...

the 'I can't find the ball

in the bushes.'

Which brings Binny on strike.

The Bin-a-nator.

Off the esky is two.

(CROWD CHEERS)

- Haven't I seen you round?

- Four runs.

Take a look at me

- Big Merv finds his form.

- Four runs.

Certainly giving those

pickets a work-out.

- Whoa!

- (CROWD CHEERS)

Isn't that six and out?

And the oldest rule of them all...

over the fence is six and out.

Sorry, boys. Couldn't help myself.

- Yesterday's hero

- We're gonna be here a while, boys.

Is all that I'm gonna be...

You lot should keep your hands off 'em.

They're too cold for you blokes.

..and be somebody better

All that I'll be

if I don't get together now

When you walk down the street

If you know me, then pass me by

If you wonder what I'm doing,

don't ask me why

I don't read the news

- Aaaaah!

- (ALL CHEER)

- Put it down, Wil.

If you're sorry,

then don't feel bad...

Taka, looking every bit the man,

best described as 'sh*t scared'.

Because haven't you

seen my face before

Yes, I was the boy who

used to live next door

- (CROWD CHEERS)

- (LAUGHS)

(CROWD CHEERS)

- Handling the ball.

- (CROWD BOOS)

Oh, you're gonna play

like that, are you?

(CROWD BOOS)

MAN:
Well done, sir.

EDWARD:
Thank you. Thank you.

A true champion has been dismissed

and is replaced by the Aussie

captain, Dougie Waters.

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