Backyard Ashes Page #7

(CROWD CHEERS)

You go.

WOMAN:
Go, Taka.

(CLAPPING)

Oh, he's missed it

by a country mile.

Couldn't hit the skin

off a rice pudding.

- (LAUGHS)

- (CROWD CHEERS)

CROWD:
Ooh!

He's copped one right between the

fob pocket and the loose change.

Taka, you should be wearing

one of these, mate. A box!

What the frig is a box?

No-one told me that!

No-one tells me nothing!

I'm sorry, Dougie,

but both my kintamas

have been badly damaged.

Please excuse me from the match.

DOUG:
You'll be OK when

the swelling goes down.

Just sit somewhere quietly.

You'll be right, mate. No worries.

(APPLAUSE)

We're gonna need a sub.

If you must.

Oh, looks like they're in trouble.

Who do you think they'll bring in?

Mac?

Mac!

(SIGHS)

Excuse me, coming through.

Straight bat, Mac. Straight bat.

No sh*t, Sherlock.

(WHISPERS) Mac.

Two legs.

(SCOTT JOPLIN "THE ENTERTAINER")

(CHEERING) CROWD: Ooh!

Hey! I thought we were playing

the 'no ducks' rule.

I'm not playing by any of your

new la-di-da rules. I'm off.

(CHEERING)

Love you, Wilma.

You're up, Mouse. Good luck.

Go get 'em, Kerri. Come on!

And just like that, the youngest

member of the Aussie team,

Kerri Waters, is charged

with saving innings.

CROWD:
Kerri! Kerri!

Marvellous stuff, that.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

(TROY FISHER "WALTZING MATILDA")

Oh, lovely dancing,

and then late cut.

CROWD:
Ooh!

Into the bushes. Couple there.

Yes!

These two are getting well on top.

All over them like a cheap suit.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Run!

Haven't seen the English

pushed around like this

since the fall of Singapore in '41.

(APPLAUSE)

CROWD:
Ooh!

Is that all you got, Pom?

(CHEERING AND CLAPPING)

CROWD (CHANTING):

Kerri! Kerri! Kerri! Kerri! Kerri!

(CHEERING)

Six and out. Fine shot.

- Fine innings.

- Well played, darl.

It's OK. You did well.

Hey, good partnership.

- Thanks, Dad.

- Come on.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

LILLEE:
Food's on, you lot!

We could win this.

- I made it as quick as I could.

- Hey, Shep.

- Hey. What's the score?

- We're all out for 136.

- So they're chasing 137 to win?

- Oh, Einstein.

Uh, Lil. Doug.

This is my friend Abby.

- Pleased to meet you, Abby.

- Hi.

- G'day, love.

- Hi.

Yeah. Do you feel like a drink?

(KIWI ACCENT)

Thanks, Lil. That'd be choice.

Good. Let's meet the girls.

Didn't want to be seen

snogging a Kiwi, eh, Spock?

- You sly old dog!

- I didn't pick up she was a Kiwi.

Tell you what, Spock,

she's not half baa-aa-aad.

- Smart-arse.

- Come on, you guys.

Abby, you didn't tell

me you were a Kiwi.

MERV:
So, who's bowling after me?

SPOCK:
And welcome back to the G.

The Pommy innings is

about to get under way.

Mervyn, always popular

with the crowd.

That was a half chucker,

just asking to be hit.

(CHEERING)

Merv's a little short

of the length there.

Getting tonked all over the park.

- (CHEERING)

- Got him! Yes!

Wicky! That's wicky!

Automatic wicky!

(CLAPPING)

(CHEERING AND SHOUTING)

Poms are starting to put

some runs on the board here.

So Dougie brings back

a bit of spin to the attack.

He's known as a tweaker.

Show us what you've got, 7/11.

(CROWD BOOS)

(CHEERING)

Hey! Next customer, please.

Piss off, you Pommy bastard!

- Language, Nehru.

- Sorry, love.

CROWD (CHANTING): Binny! Binny!

(MUMBLES AND CHUCKLES)

Go, big fella. You can do it.

SPOCK:
Oh, that's gone

straight into the Boony bush.

Come on, that cannot be out.

Sure is, bro. You've been

caught by the Boony bush.

Boony bush?

What's a bloody Boony bush?

Well, that name's

Daveyanus Boonianus.

That's another one, Wil.

Change it over. Hoo-hoo-hoo!

CROWD (CHANTING):

Kerri! Kerri! Kerri!

Yes!

(CHEERING)

One hand, one bounce, one beer.

- Good on you, Dougie.

- Well done. Well done.

Four down, Wil. 87, the devil's

number, Wil. Ha-ha-ha!

ARTHUR:

Excuse me. The man in the white.

Yes, you. Be a good man

and move two spots to your left.

SPOCK:

The batsman's asked for a sighter,

and, as usual, Sunscreen

Stewie's happy to oblige.

Ah, so kind of you.

(GASPING AND CHEERING)

Yeah, mate. Anything

caught by the ladies is out.

- Harsh, but fair.

- Good man.

SPOCK:

Ah, Nehru. The great catch she is.

It's all over bar the shouting.

(APPLAUSE)

CROWD:
Barmy Army!

Edward Lords! Barmy Army...

Good luck.

- Luck would have nothing to do with it.

- MAN:
Good luck, sir.

Hey, Edward, leave our flies alone!

MAN:
They're the only

friends you've got.

(LAUGHTER)

Come on, Normy.

(STEVE BALBI "GOD SAVE THE QUEEN")

Oh, yeah!

(SHOUTING)

God save

(CROWD EXCLAIMS)

God save our gracious Queen

Long live our noble Queen

God save our Queen!

(CHEERING)

O Lord our God arise

Scatter her enemies

Make them all fall

Confound their politics

Frustrate their knavish tricks

(SHRIEKS) England!

(WOMAN SHOUTS)

(CROWD CHEERS)

CROWD:
Oh!

SPOCK:

Thanks to a gold Captain's knock

the Poms need

just four more runs to win.

CROWD:
Barmy Army! Barmy Army!

(CHEERING AND SHOUTING)

SPOCK:
Well, it's coming

down to the wire here.

Three to win, with only

one wicket remaining.

Haven't been this tense

since my last prostate check.

Pressure's all on the Poms.

Can English Pommy Lords

score winning runs?

Or will our local hero

Dougie get the wicket?

- The tension's incredibly...

- Shut up, Spock!

Short of a length, he's clipped

it away on the off side.

There's one there. Return for two.

(SHOUTING AND CHEERING)

Well played.

What are you doing? It's not over.

What do you mean it's not over?

That was a beautiful run out.

Game, set and match.

I think you'll find I was well in.

- No, you were well out.

- How can you be sure?

- I saw it with my own eyes.

- That doesn't mean a thing.

What exactly are you saying?

This isn't going to be pretty, Lil.

You're telling me, Grace.

(SHOUTING)

Oi!

I think I have it on my camera.

Good on you, Pidge.

Knew that camera would

come in handy some time.

Can we have a look at it?

Could we put it on the

television, so we can all see?

- That's a terrific idea.

- Good idea.

It looks like it's come

down to the wire here,

in one of the closest calls

since Merv nearly ran

out of beer on Cup day.

The Australians had a lot of

the tied tests back in '61

- Shut up, Spock!

- Bit rude.

Keep going.

- MAC:
Let me through, let me through...

- Come on, Mac.

Wilma, haven't seen you

down here for a while.

Pipe down, Douglas.

I'm trying to watch the replay.

DOUGIE:
Here we go.

DOUGIE:

Ah, yeah! It's gotta be gone!

(ALL SHOUT)

Let's see it again.

Hey, Pidge, any chance

of slowing it down a bit?

Uh, yeah.

(CHEERING)

(EXCITED SHOUTING)

Um... could we...

could we see another angle?

Get your hand off it, Pom!

Good work. Good girl.

- Great footage, Pidge.

- Thanks, Dad.

That's a beautiful throw,

Kerri. Congratulations.

Yes, you did a...

I believe... this belongs

to you, Douglas.

- Hey, Dougie! Come on, Dougie!

- (LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING)

ALL:
We are the champions!

You sitting with your mates?

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