Bad Apples Page #2

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Sorry.

Oh no, don't be sorry to me.

Be sorry to your

future terrorized self.

(laughs)

I baked you a pie.

Oh, that's very kind of you.

It's got Halloween theme

and little bite-sized

goodies in it.

(giggles)

Thank you.

You are so welcome.

Uh, did you wanna come in?

Oh no, no, I've been

in that whole house

many, many times.

No snooping notions for

this old hag (laughs).

No, I just, I really just

wanted to welcome you

to the neighborhood and to

give you a little

word of warning.

Oh, if it's about

locking the door,

just consider that noted.

My husband just left.

No, it's a word of warning

about the neighborhood.

You see, you being new and

it's such a nice street.

It looks like it was ripped

out of a Rockwell painting,

but there is one bad apple.

His name is Samuel and

he is a sex offender.

I figured since you're

new that you didn't get

that whole door-to-door

admission of guilt thing.

Yeah.

[Ella] Yeah, no, thank

you for telling me.

Yeah, he worked over at the

elementary school on Madison.

And, you know where Madison is?

No, I can't say that I do.

It's right by here and well,

he was caught cavorting

with his students.

Yeah.

Kids, just children, really.

Well, thank you for the pie.

Oh yeah, yeah,

you're so welcome.

Um (chuckles).

Welcome to the neighborhood.

Oh, God damn it.

Hey, I'm back.

Hard at work I see.

(somber music)

Honey, I'm home.

Sh*t!

I'm beginning to

question your work ethic.

Can't hold your breath forever.

Fine, if that's how

you wanna play it.

Ass, turn it off.

You ruined my perfectly

relaxing bath.

[Robert] That

was my intention.

Ass.

You said that already.

I was taking a break.

From working oh so hard.

Yeah, I got a lot

of unpacking done.

Not, I saw one box in the

living room that was empty.

Did you check the kitchen?

No, should I have?

If you had checked the

kitchen, you presumptuous fool,

you would've seen the results

of the bulk of my labor.

And, I guess I'm just

supposed to take a report.

You're my husband.

You're supposed to take my

word on everything always.

Oh Christ, is that

what I signed up for,

blind suppositions

and constant nagging?

Constant nagging, my ass.

Get out!

No.

[Robert] But, I totally

(mumbles) the temperature buzz

with that water stunt.

Actually, it's

quite comfortable.

I think you should get in.

I should most definitely

not do as you are suggesting.

Because I got a trunk full of

pumpkins that need retrieving

then carving before I gotta

haul ass to the hospital.

Pumpkins not pumpkin,

meaning plural?

Plethora.

Oh God.

[Robert] I can't be trusted

when seasonally shopping.

What can I say, I

festive by nature.

Well, I've made a decision.

About what?

I think that you

must take a dip.

What?

No, no, no.

(Ella giggles)

Yes.

General etiquette lesson,

just putting this out there.

If you're going to dunk

someone in a tub of water

against their will, it is

just polite to have a towel

waiting for them.

A real towel, not a hand towel

the size of a

Muppet's loincloth.

You drew first blood.

My actions were

purely reactionary.

What the hell are these doing

in the dining room, anyway?

You gonna help me with

these pumpkins now?

Must I?

For better or worse.

This truly falls into

the latter category.

Depends how you look at it.

Where's the blow dryer

and my cardigan?

(school bell ringing)

You know these chairs

should have your names on 'em.

You're up here sitting

in 'em so much.

Your teacher asked you politely

to please remove the masks.

Politely.

Like a human being.

Principal Dale, I'm

gonna take my lunch now.

That's fine.

Just let me know

when you get back.

Okay.

Did you see what I did there?

That was being human.

(heart beating)

All right, you need

to remove your masks.

Give 'em to me.

I'll get 'em back to you

at the end of the day.

[Girl] No!

(tankard rattling)

(ominous music)

(Principal Dale moaning)

(Principal Dale crying)

Principal Dale.

(ominous music)

(receptionist screaming)

(birds chirping)

How much did all this cost?

Not much.

How much is not much?

Not much is not much.

Stop being a (mumbles).

I know not the

meaning of the word.

Come now, let's get

busy before I have to

rush off the hospital for a

night of charcoal feeding,

alcohol abusing college cretins.

Yeah.

[Ella] Jesus.

What's wrong?

(ominous music)

Wow.

Who the hell is that?

The resident pederast.

Are you kidding me?

No.

Our lovely neighbor, who I

assume is the resident busybody

informed me of his

presence while you were out

participating in

pumpkin palooza.

Why is he just

standing there like that?

I know not the minds

of sexual deviants.

Hey, be kind.

He may be reformed.

I'll go talk to him.

Hey there, buddy.

Uh, my name is Robert.

My wife, Ella, and I just

moved to the neighborhood.

(birds chirping)

Okay.

Hey, look I was just curious

why you were, you know,

standing here in

front of my house.

It's a free country.

I can stand here if I want.

Fair enough.

Anyway, hey could you

do me a neighborly solid

and you know, not

lecherously stand here?

It's creeping my wife out.

No problem.

I don't wanna creep anybody

out, not on Halloween.

There's enough

creepiness in the air.

Yeah.

Name's Samuel.

You can just call me

the resident pederast.

Everyone else seems to.

Well, that sure as sh*t took

the piss out of my Halloween.

What the hell happened?

You need to keep your

voice down from now on, okay?

[Ella] What do you mean?

I need to Clorox the

first layer of skin

off my palm, forgive me.

Are you mad at me?

He heard what you

called him, Ella.

What did I call him?

The resident pederast.

That's what he is.

Be that as it

may, he's creepy,

he lives across the street,

and he's got an

alleged rap sheet.

How the hell did he hear me?

I didn't scream it and I

think there's enough space

between our house and

where he's standing.

I don't know and I don't care.

All I'm saying is that

was super awkward,

in a super awkward, throat cut

in the middle of the night,

sort of way.

I beseech you.

Put on the guise of forward

thinking whenever that man

is within earshot.

(sighs)

Now, my palm burns.

I'm sorry.

I didn't think he could hear me.

But, forgive me offending

someone with that kind

of transgressive past

isn't gonna cause me

to lose any sleep at night.

And, that's not

what I care about.

Call him whatever you

want on a piece of paper

that'll end up in your

angry letter drawer,

but when a human being may

be able to audibly pick up

on your negative feelings,

I'm just saying be careful.

I don't want him

hating us, hating you,

and then acting on some

sort of nefarious impulses

he may be harboring.

Now, may I please carve

a God damn pumpkin?

Please.

(somber tinkling music)

[Man] Whoa.

(sighs)

(fabric tearing)

He's alive

He's alive!

All right, be

careful, psychopath.

I have created the

perfect jack-o'-lantern.

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