Bad Apples Page #3

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I'm so proud of you.

Hey, I worked hard for this.

Get off your ass and

come bask in the glory.

What the hell is

that abomination?

What, it's a

portrait of my grandpa.

Okay, there are so many

things wrong with this.

A, was your grandfather Hitler?

And, B, why would

you carve a portrait,

and I use the term

portrait very loosely,

into a pumpkin?

I have no idea how you

get Hitler from this.

Just look at his mustache,

and his Jew-hating eyes.

Those aren't Jew-hating eyes.

Those are kindly old man eyes.

Used to carve pumpkins

with my grandfather

when I was a kid.

That is adorable and the

perfect way to announce

our anti-Semitism

to the neighborhood.

All this work for nothing.

All right, I gotta go

ready for my shift.

Okay, but be cool about

what lights you turn on.

I don't want anyone stopping

by expecting any treats

of any sort.

[Robert] Yeah, yeah, lame-o.

(crickets chirping)

(eggs thudding)

(eggs thudding)

Sh*t.

(gasps)

What the f***?

Jimmy.

What the f***?

(light knocking)

[Girl] You can have it.

(woman screaming)

(dramatic music)

Stop.

Get away from me.

No!

(woman screaming)

(dramatic music)

Oh no!

No, don't.

(gun firing)

(crickets chirping)

(eerie music)

Lights.

Way to listen, husband of mine.

(light knocking)

Who is it?

[Girl] Trick or treat.

[Ella] Sorry, we

don't have any candy.

Maybe next year.

(ominous music)

(gentle piano music)

(light footsteps tapping)

(dramatic music)

Jesus!

Sorry (chuckles).

What the hell are

you doing out here?

Disappointing children,

that's what I'm doing.

Huh?

Somebody knocked on the door.

You left the light

on the stairs on.

It doubles as a homing beacon

for candy-seeking munchkins.

Well, what did

you expect me to do,

stumble blindly up the stairs,

trip and fall to my death.

Go back inside, scrubs,

it's cold out here.

Why don't you wear a cardigan?

Yeah, a cardigan.

(ominous music)

(door slamming)

(Samuel vocalizing)

Oh, my Life Alert.

Please don't fail me now.

(vocalizing)

Look at you.

Hello.

(ominous music)

(chuckles)

The perfect mate.

Smiley face, smiley

face, smiley face.

You missed me, didn't you?

Didn't you?

(chuckles)

(eerie music)

(vocalizing)

[Girl] Trick or treat.

Don't you know,

I'm not allowed

to celebrate Halloween anymore?

Not legally.

Ultra totalitarianism

at its finest.

(heavy pounding)

Yeah.

Who the hell is it?

[Girl] F***ing

c*nt, open the door.

[Samuel] What the f***.

[Girl] Open the door,

open the door let us in,

let us in, trick or treat.

(door slamming)

(Samuel sighs)

Trick or treat.

(door slamming)

I don't know who

the f*** you are,

but when I find you, I'm

gonna rip your f***ing heart

out of your f***ing chest.

Come on.

What the f***?

(laughs)

Very funny.

I used to pull that f***ing

sh*t when I was a kid.

But, the best trick

is when you take...

What, what the f***?

[Girl] How 'bout a

little fire, Scarecrow?

You're a f***ing psycho.

(ominous music)

(groans)

You're f***ing hilarious.

Now, get the f***

out of my house.

Or, on second thought,

maybe stick around

and maybe we can see

what's under this mask.

(ax slicing)

(dramatic music)

(Samuel groaning)

[Girl] Bend, bend.

Silly rabbit.

Tricks are for kids.

All right, lock all

the doors and windows

and all that jazz.

See, you in the morning.

You look pensive.

[Ella] I am pensive.

Why are you pensive?

I'm just a little

freaked out, Robert.

Why?

I don't know.

I'm going to be home

alone, in a new house,

in a new town, on Halloween

and you're going to work.

That's why I told you to

lock all the doors and windows.

[Ella] We live next

door to a pedophile.

Well, you're no

his type, obviously.

[Ella] Is that funny?

It's a little funny.

It's not funny at all.

Look, nothing is

going to happen, okay?

Today you were so mad at

me because I opened my mouth

and that nasty guy heard

me and now you're saying

everything is gonna be okay.

The hospital's a

couple miles away.

I have my phone on me and

if there's an emergency,

I can be home in

10 seconds flat.

Fine, but it's

not 10 seconds flat.

Fine, it's totally

10 seconds flat.

Fine.

Happy Halloween.

I hate you.

I love you, too.

(ominous music)

(hard knocking)

It's too late, shop's closed.

(heavy pounding)

There is no more candy.

Come back next year.

Little cretins.

(loud thudding)

(ominous music)

(boots thudding)

What the f*** are you

doing in my house?

Get the f*** outta my house.

(woman screaming)

(ax slicing)

(woman moaning)

You poor bastard.

Great night to have your first.

(yawning) You're telling me.

If I have to pump

anymore charcoal tonight,

I swear to God,

I'm gonna lose it.

(eerie music)

Is there any coffee

in this place?

Um, you know, I would

check in the break room

where coffee usually lives.

All right.

Yeah, yeah.

What's your name by the way.

Robert.

Macy.

Good luck.

Thanks.

(Macy sighs)

(ominous music)

(phone ringing)

Hey Mom.

[Mom] Happy Halloween, honey.

Yeah, Happy Halloween.

Where are you?

[Mom] Your father

and I are at a party.

So, you're smashed.

[Mom] I'm not smashed.

I am your mother.

I most assuredly do not...

You're my mother, so you

most assuredly are smashed.

[Mom] I resent that.

To what do I owe the honor

of this telephonic reach out?

[Mom] Just saying hi

and Happy Halloween.

Well, hi and Happy Halloween.

[Mom] Am I annoying you?

No, no you're not.

[Mom] You sound distant.

I'm just watching a

movie and unpacking.

[Mom] Oh, yeah?

How is that going?

Fantastic.

(loud knocking)

Can I call you later?

There's somebody at the door.

[Mom] Of course there is.

It's Halloween.

I know, but I'm not really

celebrating this year.

Can I call you back?

[Mom] Are you actually

gonna call me back?

Yes, bye.

(loud pounding)

Wow, God.

When I was a kid, I took a hint.

(loud pounding)

F*** this.

Who is it?

[Girl] Trick or treat.

(ominous music)

Look, I don't have any candy.

I don't have treats of any kind.

No pennies, no rotten apples,

no razor blades, nothing.

Like, come back next year.

Sorry.

(slow knocking)

Did you not hear me?

(heavy knocking)

Go away.

(sighs)

[Robert] Hello, you've

reached Robert's cell.

Leave a message at the tone

or at the beep or whatever.

I'm, this is terrible.

Please leave a message.

Thanks for the effort.

(phone beeping)

Hi, it's me.

I know it's your

first day of work.

I understand that.

But, I'm scared.

If you could just do me a

favor and give me a call back

when you get a chance.

One of those calming, there's

nothing to be afraid of,

reassuring calls.

I could really use it.

I love you.

(sighs)

You're going crazy, Ella.

You're going crazy.

(ominous music)

You're going f***ing crazy.

(sighs)

Is that it?

Is that all you got?

(alarm beeping)

(eerie music)

Hello.

Who's in here?

(panting)

(dramatic music)

(moving to ominous music)

(cell phone clattering)

(door creaking)

(knife slicing)

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