Bad Ass

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The story begins

right here on this bus.

Line 144.

The same route I took every day.

- Yee-ha!

- But this day was different.

Something was about to happen

that would change my life forever.

First, let me tell you how things

were... before all this.

Didn't have all that much

growing up.

Just me...

...my mom...

...my dad...

...and 60 acres of farmland.

I lived a simple life.

But sometimes, the simplest things

are the best things.

Like going undefeated my senior year

and winning the state championship

off my corner route in the end zone.

Or falling in love with Lindsay,

the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.

Can't you just tell them

that you changed your mind?

I can't do that, baby.

I already enlisted.

Hey... I promise it'll be real quick.

I'm gonna go in there, I'm gonna take

care of business and I'll be right back.

You have my word.

Promise?

I promise.

Then suddenly,

things weren't so simple anymore.

I headed off to Vietnam

to fight for my country.

I spent seven years there,

six of them in the jungle...

...and one year in a POWcamp.

Is that all you got, pendejos?

Probably would have

stayed longer, too...

Man down!

if I hadn't gotten shot.

But throughout it all,

the only thing that kept me going

was knowing that I was

gonna see Lindsay again.

Mommy, I'm hungry.

Mommy, can you make us lunch?

I figured I'd apply

to the police academy.

It made sense

with my military experience.

I felt lost.

Didn't know where I fit in anymore.

So what type of business

experience do you have?

Well... not much experience,

really, to be honest.

Since I graduated high school,

I've been in active combat duty

serving my country.

That really took up most of my time.

We're really in the market

for a college graduate.

You didn't happen to take

advantage of the GI Bill?

Actually, I have just been informed

the position was filled.

I soon realized that no one

was willing to give me a chance.

I had to create

an opportunity for myself.

Thank you, sir, I appreciate

your business. God bless.

- How are you, sir?

- Good, good.

What can I get for you? One?

All right. Ketchup? Mustard?

Beautiful day, huh?

All right. There we go.

Here's your change, sir.

God bless you. Have a nice day.

While I was creating

that opportunity...

...life somehow slipped away from me.

One, two, three, go!

But life has a way of kicking you

in the ass every once in a while.

And on this day,

it kicked me pretty hard.

Yee-ha!

Hey, old man, you mind moving?

We gotta sit together.

Hey! Old f***er!

You deaf? I'm talking to you.

Move that geriatric ass

before I kick it.

How about you

just leave me alone?

Ooh!

You believe this guy?

You got balls, old man.

That's respectable.

But now you're wasting my time,

so why don't you get

the f*** out of my seat?

You crazy f***ing spear chucker.

There's two seats in back.

Take 'em. But leave him alone.

Are you f***ing kidding me?

Stand up, a**hole.

I don't want any trouble.

Leave me alone.

I can kick your ass while you're sitting

down or while you're standing up.

It's your call.

- F*** his sh*t up, Raymond!

- Yeah.

I told you I didn't wanna fight.

I f***ing told you!

Since that day,

nothing's been the same.

Holy sh*t.

That's awesome!

Man, this old guy's bad ass.

Miller, Steve-O, come over here.

Come take a look at this.

He's a senior citizen,

he's been given the name "Bad Ass"

and he's a huge hit on the Web

right now. He gives people hope.

There's even a T-shirt

with his face on it.

All of a sudden,

people started caring about me.

I started fitting in again.

People wanted to be with me.

Cops were even taking me

on drive-alongs.

It's like I'm this famous guy

or something.

That's been the weird part.

It's taken some getting used to.

Now you've been

deemed a hero, Mr. Vega.

How does that make you feel,

especially at your age?

Well, I don't think I'm a hero.

I'm just a guy...

...making $500 a month on disability,

trying to fit in.

You must be very proud

of your son, Mrs. Vega.

Oh, you'd better believe it.

I am always proud of my boy.

If this world had more people

like my son...

I love you...

Mom!

This boy.

She's not biased or nothing.

My son.

And none has mastery

over the day of death.

For the Lord of all shows no partiality,

nor does he fear greatness,

for He Himself made

the great as well as the small.

He provides for all equally...

...and the dust shall return to the

earth from whence it came...

...and the life breath return

to the Lord who gaveth it.

All right. It's gonna be all right, man.

It's gonna be all right, Biscuit.

It's your mama, I know.

From the last will and testament,

dated February 15, 2010:

"I, Juanita Lupe Vega,

bequeath my china pattern,

stainless steel cutlery, and Ginsu

knives to my favorite charity,

the Church of Latter Day Angel.

And to my boy, Frank, whom I loved

with all my heart till the day I died,

I leave you my house, my jewelry,

my wardrobe..."

Hey.

"...and of course,

- my beloved dog, Baxter. "

- What are you doing?

- You robbing houses now, Vega?

- A man's gotta make a living some way.

My condolences about your mom.

The boys at the station,

they send their best.

- I appreciate that.

- We got you this.

- I didn't know how good-looking I was.

- Yeah, me neither.

Hey, if you need anything,

give me a call.

- Thanks, bro.

- All right, brother. Call me.

"Bad Ass."

Come on, Baxter.

My administration has

organized a new initiative,

which we are calling

"Operation Street Cleaning."

We've also enhanced and increased

local law enforcement,

in order to rid our neighborhoods

of crime and gang-related activity.

It is the top priority of this

administration to return our city

back to the safety it once knew.

Boy, what you carrying in this box?

A dead body and a watermelon?

- No, that's my entertainment library.

- Entertainment?

Behind the Green Horse.

Is that new?

- You haven't seen that?

- No.

- Check that out tonight.

- Oh, I just might do that.

You know what? All this moving is

making me thirsty. We bring any beer?

You're in charge of beer.

I'm in charge of entertainment.

Man, I know there's

something around here somewhere.

We, ladies and gentlemen,

are going to unite,

and make this the strongest

and the safest community in this county.

I know my mama wouldn't

leave a dry house.

You have my word.

Hoo-ah!

Holy sh*t.

Biscuit and Klondike

gonna have booze tonight.

Yeah. Thank you, Mama.

I was running fast as I could, man.

I mean, that woman kept

catching up to me.

I mean, I run the 100-yard dash,

for Christ sakes,

trying to get away from this woman.

I've never seen you

run so fast in your life.

She looked like a hooker to me, man.

She came on to me, too.

You know, them Vietnamese

are tricky motherfuckers,

making their soldiers

look like whores and sh*t.

Klondike, she weighed 200 pounds and

had a machine gun strapped on her neck.

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