Bad Ass Page #2

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It was dark, motherf***er.

I couldn't see sh*t.

I just followed my nose.

My nose led me to p*ssy

and my nose don't discriminate p*ssy.

Where's Baxter, man?

I thought he would've

licked that plate clean by now.

Baxter probably locked himself

in the closet again.

What the hell's he doing in there?

Ah...

Rubbing one out, ain't he?

No.

He's probably... He just likes

his quiet time like his daddy.

Yeah. His daddy.

His daddy's a good guy.

Thank you, man.

- For what?

- For letting me move in with you.

You've been there for me the whole time,

man. You're a damn good friend.

- I mean that.

- Klondike.

You and Baxter

are the only family I got.

You saved my life. I owe you.

You know what?

I see...

...really good changes

for you and me, Biscuit.

- Take my word for it.

- It's a long time coming.

You know, people talk about

having the best days of their lives.

I'm still waiting for mine.

The past 40 years,

I've felt like a bouncing ball.

No stability in my life.

But... I think

the bouncing's slowing down.

I'm turning over a new leaf.

Yeah, I think I'm gonna find

the best day of my life.

Here's to finding the best days

of our lives, Biscuit.

Do me a solid, will you?

Put this in your mother's

safe deposit box, will you please?

- What the f*** is this?

- It's a flash drive.

- A flash drive?

- That's right.

I got a lot of important stuff on there.

What, you know all about

that computer sh*t?

My ass is trying to learn.

And when I learn, I'm gonna teach you.

Nah, not me. I'm not interested.

One of these damn days, you're gonna

have to step out of the '70s.

No. Uh-uh.

Those were beautiful times.

You didn't have

to deal with all this sh*t.

Suicide bombings and taking

your shoes off at the airport.

No, you gotta watch it.

There's a lot of crazy sh*t out there.

Well, that's what's going on now.

We gotta get your ass into this century.

I'm gonna make that my mission

while we're living together.

Now put that in your mama's

safe deposit box, please.

Got it.

OK. All right.

Oh, sh*t. I'm out of smokes, man.

I'm gonna go out.

You know, my mom left a brand-new carton

of Newports right there in the kitchen.

I don't wanna smoke that menthol sh*t.

I'm gonna go get me my Camels.

Yeah.

Oh, son of a...

- OK?

- Don't go stepping on no landmine, huh?

You watch out

for the machine guns.

To Baxter and Klondike.

Ooh... OK, gonna call her back.

Hey!

What's happening, Sebastian?

Terence?

You're a hard man to find, Klondike.

What, you don't answer

your cell phone anymore?

Ah, sh... What can I tell ya, man?

Look here, the ringer's turned off.

What can I tell ya?

See what I'm saying?

My man here got jokes.

You doing some stand-up now?

You know what we want, gramps.

Give it up.

I'm drawing a blank,

you know what I'm saying?

Yeah, yeah.

You still having a tough time

remembering now, motherf***er?

Whoa, whoa!

I got the goddamn thing right here, man.

You had to do it the hard way.

Motherf***er.

Sebastian, leave him!

The cops are coming, we gotta go!

- Where is that sh*t?

- Let's get the f*** out of here, c'mon!

Sh*t!

Just get in the f***ing car.

Let's go, come on!

Hello?

Yeah, this is Frank Vega.

Frank Vega?

Can I get you to sign these releases?

You're that guy from the bus, huh?

Yeah, I guess so.

Haven't been beating up

on anyone else, have you?

I'm really not a violent guy.

Sorry about your friend.

You're gonna get those scumbags,

aren't you?

We're gonna do our best.

That's $12.59.

You know what? I'm a little short.

Can you spot me a couple bucks

until tomorrow?

Did you see a Salvation Army

sign in front of my store?

You know, I just moved

into the neighborhood.

I'll be by tomorrow

and pay you the rest.

Look, buddy,

I can barely pay the rent as it is.

I mean, I got no cash.

I'm a hard-working man.

Besides, I can't be giving stuff away.

Nobody move!

Give me what's in that register!

Now! Let's go!

- Hey, he don't got no money, man.

- Did you say something, old man?

Hey, why don't you guys just leave?

I ain't going anywhere, old man.

Oh, Mr. Vega.

We're so sorry about

the passing of your friend.

Thank you.

My brother was murdered two blocks away

from where your friend was killed.

I'm really sorry to hear that.

See, we are never gonna be safe

in our own neighborhood.

And no one's doing

a damn thing about it.

You know, police are

doing everything they can.

F***, no! We need real help.

Those motherfuckers

are as crooked as all hell.

I'm sorry, baby.

God bless you, Mr. Vega.

Thank you. Good night, ladies.

Why you Mexicans drink that crap?

Is that the official drink of the cholo?

Well, what should I be drinking?

Malt Liquor, ripple,

grape soda or Kool-Aid?

Why you have to get all racist and sh*t?

Oh, sh*t! You're that Bad Ass dude

from the bus, right?

Yeah.

You a tough ass geezer. You knocked

the hell out that Nazi motherf***er.

Give you props for that.

You know, kid, you got

the mouth of a truck driver.

- What the f*** you talking about?

- What the f*** you talking about?

- Is it not cold out here? Huh?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Then get your ass in the house.

Damn. Love thy neighbor.

Hey, brother. You should have seen

the action out there tonight.

- You up for a ride-along?

- Not tonight.

You're turning down a ride-along?

- I got some sh*t I gotta do.

- Oh, yeah, I can see that.

- That bottle?

- No, that's a priority.

Oh.

I just came from the liquor store.

Looked like you wiped your ass

with those guys.

- F***ing scumbags.

- Yeah, I know, Frank.

But you have a penchant for getting

involved in these altercations.

I think it's time

for you to chill out.

Violence just seems to follow me.

Yeah, Charles Bronson, I get it.

Just, um...

...scale it back for me.

They find the guys

that killed Klondike yet?

They're working on it.

Come on, you know how these things work.

There's more homicides than there are

investigators. You gotta have patience.

Now that sounds like a crock of sh*t.

I'll check on it.

Meanwhile, I will be swinging by

tomorrow and you will ride with me.

No excuses, Vega.

Car 245 responding to possible 415.

Additional units requested.

Stevens dumps it in.

Norris goes after it.

Gets checked at the blue line...

- the window. And you set it...

- And forget it!

And that'll be done

in about 40 min...

Within a 24 hour period,

local investigators have arrested

what seems to be the prime suspect

in the Justin Wheely murder case.

Justin was violently beaten and then

stabbed to death late last night

after he wouldn't give up his wallet.

The police chief congratulated

the 20 investigators

who worked around the clock

to solve this crime.

We're doing the best we can, Mr. Vega.

- That's not good enough.

- I'm afraid it is.

Yeah, I guess it would be

if Klondike was a different shade.

You'd already probably

caught the bastards.

- You inferring I'm a racist, Mr. Vega?

- Yeah, I am.

In case you haven't noticed, I'm Indian.

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