Bad Ass 3: Bad Asses on the Bayou

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MAN:
Your credit is based

on various factors...

and after reviewing your history...

I'm sorry to say you've been denied.

Denied? You... You gotta be shittin' us.

There's gotta be some mistake.

- I have a mortgage that I pay on time.

- Yeah.

I understand, Mr. Vega,

but like I said, there's other factors.

You've opened up another credit line...

which you're completely maxed out on.

Look, Mr., uh... Guillermo Gomez.

My friend Bernie, this...

this is his second liver surgery

in... in six months.

We have 10 prescriptions...

that we have to fill...

every two weeks.

- Nobody move!

- (SCREAMING)

- (GRUNTS)

- Listen up!

I want everybody on the floor!

I want your palms flat on the ground!

That means you too, old man!

Goddamn, Frank.

Man, why don't you watch

what you're doing, man?

- I'm sorry, Bernie. It was an accident!

- MAN:
Hey!

What the hell are you doing?

It cost me $190 to refill

this goddamn prescription...

It cost you $190?

I want you to know that

came out of my disability check!

You gonna hold that over my head now?

I see how it works now.

It's tit for tat, huh?

No, no, it's only tit for tat...

when tat actually

does something for tit.

You're one ungrateful a**hole.

You know that?

Screw you!

Wrong move, a**hole.

(GRUNTING)

On the ground now!

(GRUNTS, GROANING)

These nuts!

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTS, GROANING)

BERNIE:
These nuts!

Using only a walker

and an autographed baseball...

two elderly men managed to stop

a robbery in progress.

Y ahora en el centro de la ciudad

tenemos a dos jubilados...

que han parado el robo de un banco.

Es el caso de los heroes ms improbables.

So I hope the bank

ultimately gave you a loan.

Nope. But they gave us somethin' else.

A goddamn certificate

for a job well done.

(CHUCKLING)

Isn't this some sh*t?

Look at me, man. (LAUGHS)

I'm prettier than Denzel.

- (LAUGHING)

- Shoot.

- (CELL PHONE BUZZING)

- (LAUGHING)

(BEEPS)

- BERNIE:
Who's that?

- (SIGHS) Rosaria.

She liking Arizona?

It's Florida. Uh...

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's... She's, uh...

- She's doing all right.

- Sorry, man.

No, no, it's... it's...

You know, it's wonderful, man.

I'm really happy for her.

Rosaria's got a really good job, and...

Julia's going to a much better school.

I'm really happy for 'em.

- (PHONE RINGING)

- (CAN POPS OPEN)

(RINGING CONTINUES)

- Hello?

- WOMAN:
You cheatin' on me, Frank?

'Cause I'll be damned if you the toughest

man to get in touch with.

- Carmen, mi amor. What's happening?

- Oh, nothin' much.

Besides the fact

that I'm getting married!

- (SQUEALS)

- What?

Yes! His name is Geoffrey.

We met six weeks ago.

We fit together like molasses and pie.

I've never connected with

someone like this before, Frank.

Oh, that's great.

I can't wait to meet him.

Well, you're gonna get

your chance this weekend.

- Oh, yeah?

- Yup.

And you and Green Machine

are in my wedding party.

Pack your things, boys.

You comin' down to Baton Rouge.

(GIGGLES)

That's wonderful, Carmen.

And we would love

to be there, but, uh...

You know what, right now Bernie and I are

going through some financial difficulties...

Shut your pie hole, Franklin.

You're not gonna have to pay

for anything, cheap-ass.

Daddy's pickin' up the tab.

That's really generous

of your father, but...

But nothin', Vega. I already e-mailed you

your flight arrangements.

This is a paid vacation for you boys.

So pack up your damn fanny pack

and bring y'all asses down here...

before I fly out there

and drag you by your earlobes.

(LINE CLICKS)

(SIGHS)

Oh, man.

Oh, man.

This sh*t don't agree with me

one bit, man.

I told you, fish on an airplane.

Man, they don't mix.

(GROANS) Oh, sh*t.

(GROANING)

I gotta hit the bathroom. (GROANING)

(DOORKNOB RATTLES)

Son of a b*tch.

(TOILET FLUSHES)

Oh, yeah.

Hey, little lady.

What you got for dessert?

(ZIPPER ZIPS)

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

At this point in my life,

I just don't have time for relationships.

But I do have time

for one-nighters though.

Are you open to one-nighters, Bernie?

One-nighters, two-nighters...

however long it takes.

MAN:
Excuse me, sir.

But you're going to have

to return to your assigned seat.

This is my assigned seat.

Can I see your boarding pass, please?

Come on, man. Give me a break.

(CHUCKLES)

- It's been a pleasure.

- Bye.

You cock-blocking son of a...

PILOT:
(ON PA) Ladies and gentlemen,

as we start our descent into Baton Rouge...

local time is 3:
00 PM,

and temperature is a cool 65 degrees.

MAN:
Hey

Oh

Mmm. Nothing like the smell

of the deep South.

(SNIFFS) Mmm.

Is that us?

I don't think there's

another Vega/Pope in Louisiana.

Gentlemen, my name is Hung.

May I take your bags, please?

I got this, homey. I... I got this.

- Sir, I insist.

- Sh*t, you can take mine.

After you, sir.

Boy, I could get used to this.

(LAUGHING)

MAN:
(RAPPING) Pick the best out

Soon as they enter my flow

I'm like the US super British

say, I'm still in the show

Like step in my lane

Trust every step that I'm taking

I'm headed right to the top

until I'm famous

My words are drawings

you stare at in amazement

You pray that I fall

I'm sorry that I made it

Know what the state of bein'

not jaded feels like?

Where the perception matters

more than real life

Your dream car takes space

in my yard

Got investments in Mars

Like to shoot for the stars

Look, oh

This is how we shine

This is the life

House on the hill

This is the life, hey

Packin' no bills

This is the life

Uh-huh, uh-huh

This is the life, hey

Look at how we shine

This is the life

House on the hill

This is the life

Packin' no bills

This is the life

Uh-huh, uh-huh

Yeah, picture this

Takin' off the whole summer

When bill collectors call

"You must have the wrong number"

Shows overseas, they got love for me

But best believe

I'm touring Belize just for me

Oh, I'm getting in my grind

It's relentless

Forgetting how to use the word

"buzzard" in a sentence

- Huh?

- They all tryin' to fit in words by guessin'

I'm flyin' out to unknown settings

Oh, this is how we shine

This is the life

House on the hill

This is the life

Packin' no bills

This is the life

Uh-huh, uh-huh

This is the life

Look at how we shine

This is the life

House on the hill

This is the life

Packin' no bills

This is the life

Uh-huh, uh-huh

Yeah, oh

Look at how we shine

This is the life

House on the hill

REPORTER:
(ON RADIO)

Forecast is cloudy and windy today...

with gusts up to 40 miles per hour...

the temperature dropping

to 59 degrees this afternoon.

Cloudy and continuing wind overnight

with a low of 47.

- Oh, sh*t.

- Cloudy with a few sunny breaks...

- with a high of 53.

- (MUTTERING)

With the winds from the northwest...

- Oh, come on.

- It's currently 51 degrees.

REPORTER 2:
(ON RADIO) With the Washington

Monument in the background...

the president has just arrived

off of his helicopter...

and is coming from Camp David

to spend time...

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