Bad Ass 3: Bad Asses on the Bayou Page #2

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with the gathering

on the White House lawn.

This is a regular appearance...

Oh, Christ!

- Hey!

- (CHUCKLING)

(FRANK GRUNTS)

Gimme the purse.

F*** you!

- (GRUNTS)

- Click it or ticket, a**hole.

MAN:
Take care of this sh*t.

Whoa, they grow them

pretty big here in Baton Rouge, huh?

(GRUNTING)

- All right now, big fella.

- Son of a b*tch.

- Pow!

- Aaah!

- Sh*t.

- Aaah!

Watch it.

- Whoo.

- I'm gonna f***in' kill you.

(SCREAMING)

(GROANS)

- (GRUNTS)

- Ooh!

Ooh, my nose! Oh, you busted my nose!

(GROANS)

- Here you go, darling.

- Oh, thank you.

You have a nice day.

Wow.

- Carmen's parents live here?

- HUNG:
Yes, sir.

- Man.

- Reminds me of my vacation home.

- (CHUCKLES)

- CARMEN:
Oh!

Oh, oh! All right, finally!

Now we can get this party started! Oh!

- BOTH:
Oh.

- Oh!

(KISSES)

- Damn, you look good, girl.

- (GIGGLING)

Now, you boys had your chance.

I'm a taken woman now, okay?

(LAUGHING) Come on in.

I wanna introduce you

to my mama and daddy.

Damn, if I knew you had this much money,

I would've proposed to you six months ago.

(ALL LAUGH)

Mama, Daddy, I want you

to meet Frank and Bernie.

- Oh. Well, welcome, gentlemen.

- Oh.

Thank you. Pleasure to meet you.

- And thank you for bringing us out here.

- Yeah, very generous of you.

- Ah, it's our pleasure.

- MAMA:
Ooh, Carmen.

You didn't tell me

how handsome they were.

DADDY:
Hey, girl, take it easy.

- Hey, guys.

- Oh, my goodness!

Baby, what happened?

Oh, it was just Kyle and his buddies.

Earl, do you see this?

Baby, just a little

innocent roughhousing.

Boys'll be boys. He'll be just fine.

Son, let me introduce you to your sister's

friends from California, Bernie and Frank.

- What's up, guys?

- Sister?

CARMEN:
Yeah. He's my brother

from another mother.

Mama had that in vitro thing. We think

the egg and the sperm got a little mixed up.

Felt all the same to me.

Either way,

we love us some little Ronny.

Well, gentlemen, welcome.

Now let me show you to your room.

My, oh, my, Earl. (CHUCKLES)

This house must have

cost you a pretty penny.

- (CHUCKLES) Didn't cost me a dime.

- Say what?

It's a family estate passed down

from generation to generation.

It was given

to my great-great-granddaddy...

post-Civil War...

as part of the agrarian reform

for black farmers.

Little did anybody know that this house was

sitting on mineral reserves, including oil...

which turned our family into

millionaires overnight.

Damn. Karma's a b*tch, Robert E. Lee.

- (ALL LAUGH)

- Ain't it the truth?

Hope you guys don't mind

sleepin' in the same room.

We got a lot of guests stayin' over,

so the house is kinda full.

Hey, I didn't know

you were in the military.

Oh, yeah.

Spent some time in Nam

many, many years ago.

I don't even know

who that guy is anymore.

There we go.

Everything ought to be here, but, if there's

anything else at all that you need...

please don't hesitate to ask.

What time you sending up the ladies?

(LAUGHING)

- After midnight.

- Why so late?

(LAUGHING)

Uh, fellas,

I just wanna say thank you...

for watchin' over my little girl

while she was in LA.

- It means a lot.

- Carmen's a special girl.

- Yeah. Mm-hmm.

- (CELL PHONE BUZZING)

Oh, now. Oh, rehearsal dinner's

in less than an hour.

You guys got to get dressed.

I took the liberty of hangin' up a couple

suits for you in the armoire.

I think we got your right sizes.

- One minute.

- (HIP-HOP)

MAN:
(RAPPING) I just do what I do

See me

I just do what I do

I just do what I do, do you know about me?

I just do what I do

- Let's do this.

- (LAUGHS)

Yeah, I just do what I do

See me

I just do what I do

Yo, check

Let me flip this script

I feel privileged

by all who can witness this

Damn. They invited

the entire state of Louisiana.

Maybe they're just popular or something.

Whoo!

Gentlemen, can I tempt your palate to some

of Louisiana's finest mint juleps?

Don't mind if I do.

Wow, I've never seen a drink

with a plant growing out of it.

That's not a plant, sir.

Those are mint sprigs. Very refreshing.

- Enjoy.

- Mmm.

- Mint sprigs.

- Here's to.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

CARMEN:
Straight outta the pages of GQ.

Damn! You boys look like

fine Southern gentlemen.

- Hey, baby.

- (LAUGHING)

There you go.

Girl, I can't leave you for two minutes

without someone hitting on you.

Oh, baby, I want you

to meet Frank and Bernie.

Boys, this is my Geoffrey.

Gentlemen, it's an honor

to finally meet you.

- You must be Frank.

- Pleasure.

- And you must be Green Machine.

- Yeah. Nice to meet you.

- Congratulations.

- Thank you, sir.

You're getting yourself

a wonderful woman.

Oh, I know. I'm blessed.

Must've done something good

in a past life to deserve her.

Isn't he cute?

EARL:
Geoffrey!

- Looks like I'm being summoned.

- Mmm.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

Sweetheart.

Nice guy.

No one has ever made me feel

the way he does...

and I've never been happier.

What happened to him?

If you don't mind me asking.

He was in Afghanistan

on the front lines.

He took an IED for a buddy.

I'm sorry, Carmen.

Nothing to be sorry about.

That man lives his life like

he's standin' seven feet tall.

(LAUGHING)

I wanna thank you all for comin', and now

I'd like to say a few words.

You know, it's tough for a father...

to watch his daughter grow and...

then to give her away to a stranger.

Wait a minute.

- That's the speech from her first wedding.

- (ALL LAUGH)

Here it is.

It's tough for a father

to watch his daughter grow...

give her away to some stranger...

- get her back and then give her away again.

- (ALL LAUGH)

(LAUGHING CONTINUES)

But it makes it easier when you have

a future son-in-law like Geoffrey here.

- Mmm?

- (APPLAUSE)

Your mother and I wish you both

the very best.

MAN:
Hear! Hear!

- (WHISTLES) Okay, okay. A toast. A toast.

- Yeah.

Carmen and Geoffrey, we wanna wish you all

the best in the world forever.

May you always have happiness, love...

- and you know what else... you know that.

- (SCATTERED LAUGHING)

(EXHALES) Yeah.

Mmm. Mmm.

Ahhh.

Ah, yeah.

(SNORING)

(SNORING)

- (MEN SHOUTING)

- (PUNCHES LANDING)

(CARMEN CRYING)

(MAN GROANS)

Let her go!

- Shut up, buddy!

- Bernie!

(GRUNTING)

- FRANK:
Bernie!

- (MEN SHOUTING)

(GRUNTING)

Bernie, for Christ's sakes, help me!

(POLICE SCANNER CHATTER)

BERNIE:
Hey, Frank!

Frank!

Goddamn, man! How could you be sleeping

at a time like this?

Huh? Ow! (GROANS)

- Where's Carmen?

- That's what I've been trying to tell you.

Somebody took her.

(CHATTERING)

GEOFFREY:
I don't know.

Like I said, we were sleeping and they

just barged in and took her.

That's all I remember.

Jesus Christ, shouldn't you all be out

looking for these bastards?

Just calm down. You need to understand this

is all part of the process.

I don't think you understand.

My fiance's been kidnapped!

Damn it, we told you. We never heard

a thing until Frank started yellin'.

By the time we got out there,

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