Bad Johnson

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1

AH:

OK:

Wow

- You like that baby? - Oh I love it.

Oh Yea?

Yea?

Oh Sh*t!

Not what it looks like babe.

You're f***ing my sister?

[Sighs]

You piece of sh*t!

Baby. Baby!

Don't "Baby" me.

I thought you loved me.

I do.

AH!

Oh, my God.

Hi, Mrs. LeFebre.

What happened to your purity ring?

Oh!

I found it earlier.

Oh, dear God.

Look, Melissa, I am sorry.

I really am.

Oh, don't you touch her!

Okay. Okay.

I'm just going to grab

my things I'm gonna go.

Uh... [Bell Dings]

My underwear. My underwear?

Um, don't. I don't need it.

I mean, I feel horrible.

I genuinley, actually, liked her.

I mean we could talk, we could laugh,

We cuddle. I mean we even

hated the same people.

It's always nice when you

hate the same people.

Is't it though? It's just not fun when you feel

like you're being judged for judging someone else.

Me and Emily made fun of an

albino midget the other day.

It was wrong, but romantic.

I envy you guys.

Then stop f***in' up a good thing.

This is the third relationship

you've ruined in the last year.

My DICK. The third relationship

my DICK has ruined.

You can't control your dick?

It's like babysitting a

nine year old with A.D.D.

I mean you try your best until

he just wears you down.

Then you just give him whatever the hell

he wants until his parents come home.

But. But! His parents never come home.

I can control mine.

Not to be a dick, but,

You're not presented with as many

"Ass Getting" opportunities as I am.

- Even if I were -What? - I'd Be -What?

You wouldn't, please, I know for a fact you beat it to Indian porn

when Emily goes to bed. - Even if I were -What? - I'd Be -What?

You wouldn't, please, I know for a fact you

beat it to Indian porn when Emily goes to bed.

- Ok don't act like you're above me.

- It's not f***ing other people.

Ok. Hypothetical.

So, a HOT, green eyed Indian

girl walks up to you and

BEGS you to f*** her.

And there was no chance that Emily

would find out. You would not do that?

No.

But you'd Want to right?

Isn't that just as bad?

No it's only bad if you follow through.

Whatever. Whatever.

I mean we're just a bunch of bees trying

to beat Biology. Boom. Case in point.

I will be back.

So.

What is your name sweetheart?

Carrie.

Carrie? Well I'm Rich.

I mean that's my name, although I'm

not struggling financially, so...

You don't remember me do you?

Uh..

Yes.

Of course I remember you. Yea, no,

we hooked up last September right?

And then you told me you loved me, and then your

Grandma died and then I deleted you from my phone.

[Group Clamor]

Oh my. Josh!

[Group Clamor]

Oh my. Josh!

Uh your testicles are in your stomach.

K [Clears Throat] All right. Is there

anything that you can prescribe?

Other than a cocktail of painkillers, no.

You should use plenty of ice,

substain from masturbation and

Elevate the scrotum as often as possible.

What about sex?

Oh I wouldn't reccomend it.

Well what would happen if I did?

Well I can't be sure.

Your insurance wouldn't pay for it. [Laughs]

But seriously, no sex for six weeks.

Pregnancy tests are right over here.

Was there a special one you wanted?

I don't know. Which ones the best?

Well We've got plus-minus,

we've got blue-red.

And we've got crying baby-smiling woman.

- Plus-minus.

- Excuse me?

Plus-minus. Ya know, it's the easiest one to

manipulate if you don't like the results.

Yea but that doesn't get rid of the baby.

Well it will until you start to show.

Plus-minus.

You know it's not for me. It's for my friend. She

was too emabarrased to come here herself, so.

No need to explain.

Well I don't want you to think I'm

this slut who thinks he's pregnant.

Well I don't want you to think I'm some freak

who plays around with pregnancy tests.

Yea how did you know that by the way?

It was part of a prank that we

played on this girl in college.

You turned the negative into a positive?

No a positive into a negative.

And she started to grow, she

had no clue what was going on.

God thats horrible.

Yea and I started to feel guilty when she

took up smoking to deal with the weight gain.

Thats evil.

Yea.

Is that cherry?

Pia Coladas better.

Wow you're a slurpy girl.

Ya know, I thought big glasses,

Caramel Macchiato girl.

- Who says I can't do both?

- Versilte. I like that.

Gilrs gotta get her sugar

from different sources.

In case you should let me buy you a slurpy.

Or a Caramel Macchiato.

- Should I?

- You should.

Throw in a Big Bite hot dog and a bag

of chips, you got yourself a date.

Oh thank heaven.

- I am going to split you in half. All right?

- Oh my God baby.

Should I put my hair in pigtails?

Pigtails? Oh.

I'll take that as a yes.

You know I will not stop for pedestrians.

- Hurry back.

- Okay.

F***!

What the hell are you doing?

So sorry. You know I was, actually

I was listening to some rap music.

I just leased this.

Sh*t. This is bad.

Well I guess I should get your information.

Or we could forget it ever happened.

Who do you mean?

Na. Nothing. I was, I was

just, I was kidding.

Um, you have a pen I can borrow?

- How old are you?

- I'm twenty eight.

- Why?

- Young.

You work out.

- I'm a trainer. Yea.

- Mhm.

My ex husband was so out of shape he couldn't

even go down on me without running out of breath.

You ever work with older women?

Uh, sometimes. Yea.

Do you see results?

A mom, yea.

- I'm gonna grab my insurance.

- Wait.

What's a good exercise for, right here?

Um. You know. Like uh, hip whatevers.

What about, squats?

Sure yea. Those too.

Ever been blown in a luxury SUV?

Not recently.

- Baby!

- Oh. Oh! Wow.

What took you so long?

I got in an accident.

- Oh my God. Are you okay?

- I mean I'm fine.

I'm fine. I mean it was just a fender bender.

And it won't happen again.

- It won't happen again?

- Well

Nothing. Nothing. No no no.

Let's eat. Yea? Yea?

We can eat after.

- Well but I mean I'm really hungry today.

- I know, so am I.

Dinner can wait. I can't.

Oh but please. Don't. Do.

That. [Zipper Unzips]

- Why are there teeth marks on your dick?

- What?

There are teeth marks on your dick.

- What. I. Um.

- Did someone give you a blow job?

Not that I can recall.

Then why are there teeth marks on your dick?

I hit that car pretty hard.

Who's hair is this?

You know what? That looks like,

that looks like a pubic hair.

Nah your pubes are not that long.

Typically yea. But ya know you get

that rogue pube that grows faster

- Than the others.

- It's not even the same color as your head.

Okay. I mean. Who the hell are ya?

- Like Encyclopedia Brown?

- Yes. And this is the case of the missing blow job.

I did not get a blow job okay?

And I would never

Ever cheat on you. Ever. Ever.

Is this a press on nail?

Well that's not good. Sh*t.

Get out.

- Baby.

- Get out.

- Just come here for a second.

- Touch me and I will chop off your dick.

I mean you don't mean that.

Do you?

Idiot.

Babe.

What the ftt? You have a meat cleaver?

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