Bad Johnson Page #2

---

- Who actually owns a meat cleaver?

- Get out. I never, ever

- Wanna see you again.

- Like ever, ever?

Ever.

- Go!

- Okay. Okay. I'm going.

You know, I just want you to know though.

- That I was falling

- Get out!

Oh Sh*t.

Sh*t.

Babe.

Could I get my sandwich back?

Jesus.

Again. Are you f***ing kidding me Rich?

I mean. But it. Look it was not all my fault.

Ok. I mean this chick. She seduced me.

You could've said no.

Nah. I. Ok. Look.

You try to defeat a boner

when you've got a mouth

staring it down.

I mean it's not as easy as you'd think. Okay?

It's really not.

I don't know. Things just haven't been

the same since Kimmy cheated on me.

Now you're blaming her?

Melissa was right.

What are you talkin' about?

Nothin'.

No no no no. F***. tell me what

the f*** you're talkin' about.

This probably isn't the best

time to tell you. But Melissa

She posted some pretty f***ed up

things about you on the internet.

Like what?

You're afraid of ghosts. You

like to fart in the shower.

You're a craving man-child

with an inferiority complex

Who refuses to be held accountable

for any of his myriad shortcommings.

I think she used a Thesaurus

on that last one.

- This is online?

- Douchebagassholecheaters.com

I don't understand how you can have

something so special, so great

and throw it away for one fleeting moment.

Doesn't make sense.

Rich would be making low six

figures right now if he didn't

bend me over the conference

table and have his way with me.

Don't get me wrong. I loved it.

But it ruined our office dynamic.

And I had to let him go.

Me and Rich used to be best friends.

Until I walked in on him f***ing my mom.

My parents divorced. I

lost sight of my goals.

Now I'm addicted to meth

and I work the three a.m.

Drive through shift at a

fast food restaurant.

In the ghetto.

Kimmy.

Ah. I wish my dick would just leave me alone.

[Screams] [Car Alarm Goes Off]

Josh. Call me. Something, something

terrible has happened man.

You know I don't even know

why I'm leaving a voicemail.

You never check it so all right.

Im, im gonna hang up and

then imma text you. Okay? All right.

Josh? Josh!

You have a collect call from

This is your dick. I'm in an alley downtown.

Do you accept the charges?

Do you accept the charges?

Do you. Accept the charges?

- Yes.

- Hello?

Is this Rich?

- Uh huh.

- Oh thank God.

Whew. I couldn't remember

your number for sh*t.

- I just got like twenty "No hablo ingls's" before you picked up.

- Uh huh.

Who is this?

It's me. Your penis.

Who is this for real?

It's your penis b*tch.

It's your cock, your dick

your pecker, your prick.

I don't beleive you.

Your dick goes missing. Someone calls you up

and tells you he's your dick.

And you don't beleive him?

- My dick is not missing.

- No sh*t.

He's in an alley on Surmack and State.

All right look. I'm just gonna,

I'm gonna hang up now. Okay?

Becky Wallace. All right look. I'm just

gonna, I'm gonna hang up now. Okay?

Becky Wallace.

What?

Becky Wallace. Your first hand job.

Big girl with hair on her nipples.

A bad case of Rosacea

Surprisingly good.

Knew how to work the tip, ignore the base.

All right. Who the f*** told you that?

Huh? Huh?

In seventh grade you jerked off so

hard you dislocated your shoulder.

You told your parents you hurt

it simulating Mortal Kombat

fatalities with your friends.

Want me to keep going?

You've had Chlamydia twice.

You spray me with Curb Club

before you go out for the night

And. When you're bored

You helicopter me around and make

my hole talk like a little mouth.

- All right that is enough. That's enough.

- Which is embarrasing.

Ok so just stop.

- I don't know what happened.

- Stop.

The last thing I remembered

is dangling between your legs

But then I wake up in an alley

in this morning. Naked.

Like some God damned Terminator.

And now, here I am on a

piss smelling pay-phone

asking you to pretty please pick

me up before the f***in' cops do.

- You're naked?

- As a poet's soul.

Oh. God.

- You said Surmack and State?

- Yea. Behind the sushi restaurant.

And you're buying me lunch.

Jesus!

Rich. Open the door.

Rich.

Rich. Open the door. Rich. C'mon.

Ho. Thank you. Smelled like a

God damn UTI out there. Hi.

I'm your dick.

You have my eyes.

We are related. Where's that grip I know?

Just kidding. Did you bring the clothes?

You brought your nut shorts?

What?

You jack off in these all the time

because you're too lazy to get tissues.

- Sorry.

- Whatever.

Let's get something to eat.

I am f***ing starving.

No?

What?

I mean people don't just

wake up without their d*cks.

I guess that makes you a pioneer.

What happened?

You've been blaming me for

a lot of sh*t lately.

So if I had to hypothesize, I would

say that the universe got pissed off

and decided to tilt the scale against you.

And then they were like

You know what? F*** that scale. Lets

just give it to him hard and raw.

You don't think I feel the same way?

I used to have my own private utopia. All I had

to think about was napping, pissing and f***ing.

Now I'm dealing with hunger and thirst. I'm

pretty sure I have to take my first sh*t soon.

Oh. The worst part.

Is that I've got my own dick, and

it's not even as big as I was.

Look at this!

I should be able to hang a

basket full of puppies off this.

- Now I think I could barely handle one kitten.

- Put it away. Please.

Breaks my heart. I'm just

saying I better be a grower

Because I'm obviously not a shower.

All right. All right. How do we fix it?

Yea I know. So here's what I've been told.

The next time Mercury aligns with Cancer

at midnight on the next full moon

some sort of vortex is gonna open up and we're just

going to have to go through it together somehow.

All right. All right.

All right. When is the next,

when is the next full moon?

Are you f***ing retarded?

I just made that sh*t up. I

don't know how to reattach.

Sh*t, Shower, Shave?

Oh. At least now I can tell you how big of a f***ing

tool you are for still having a subscription to Maxim.

K. Now keep your core engaged.

Now bring your legs out.

Good job.

I need to talk to you.

I'm in the middle of a session.

- He'll be right back. C'mon

- Ow Rich. What the f***.

I'm the number four trainer in this company.

It's unacceptable for you to [Screams].

Sh*t.

What the f***?

Well my dick is gone.

It looks like an Asian man's armpit.

- What Happened? -I. I don't know. Okay. I woke up this morning

and it wasnt there. And that, that's not even the worst part.

[Zipper Zips]

It's in your ass?

No. No. It is in my apartment.

That's good. You know where it is.

Okay. It's a person.

F***. What?

My dick is an a**hole.

- He's brown?

- No. White.

- Is he bald?

- No.

- Chubby?

- No.

- Wrinked?

- Would you shut the f*** up?

Okay. I'm sorry.

- What are you gonna do?

- What can I do?

Should I see a doctor maybe?

Hell no.

You'll be the new medical freak dejour.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes