Bad Johnson Page #3

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Kid with two heads. Kid with super strength.

Man with no dick.

If the government doesn't lock you in a lab then the talk shows will snatch

you up. Turn you into a story of triumph that ends in tears of hope.

Sh*t load of undeserved applause.

You'd be like Carrot Top.

Everyone will want a picture with you. But

no one will want to have sex with you.

Oh no. No no no. No. No!

- Ahh!

- The Fffftt?

K. You ordered a hooker?

Oh no. she's an escort.

All right. And where is she

escorting you to then?

To "Bust a Nut-Ville".

- All right you're gonna have to go.

- Hold on!

- I was so close!

- Now. please. Go.

Thank you.

Damn. Not even a payment dispute.

Oh no I gave her the TV in Rich's room. Super easy. Helped

her load it right into her Scion before things got underway.

Wait. You paid her with,

you paid her with my TV?

Um. Actually think the term is "Bartered".

But, hey. I'm no English major.

Ow! F***!

Ow! Ow!

C'mon!

Okay. Listen to me. All right?

If you're gonna stay here you're

gonna have to control yourself.

Yea. Oh. Okay. I'm so sorry dad.

I didn't know I needed your permission

for every little thing that I'm into.

- Okay. A hooker is not a "little" thing. All right?

- [Sighs]

Listen. Okay? I'm trying to adjust right now.

I've never had a body before.

This all new to me. It's. Ho Ho.

What? What?

Oh my God.

I just flexed my calf. A-mazing.

That's really cool. That's cool.

Okay listen. I messed up. I know that. But. What are you, you're not

gonna yell at a toddler, right, for putting his hand on the stove?

No you're gonna coddle him and

you're gonna shower him with love.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I put my hand in the "P*ssy Stove".

All right? But right I need your help.

Right? Not your wrath.

Yea. I need to get you back.

Eleven-Eleven. Go!

I wish I had my dick back.

I wish you had me back.

- Oh you're still here.

- Am I even?

[Moaning]

You're all out of cinnamon toast crunch.

Fitness assessment?

Excuse me?

Are you my fitness assessment?

I don't know. I had an appointment at two.

All right. And what time is it now?

- Almost two thirty.

- Yea. No. That's probably me.

Grab your stuff.

So what are your fitness goals?

Do you wanna live a healthy lifestyle? Or do you just wanna lose some fat

around your ass, thighs and midsection for whatever insecure reason?

Uh. Both I guess. Are you

always this up front?

No I'm usually pretty duplicitous. But

I just don't give a f*** anymore.

Yea. I don't feel anything.

You're working your core.

Look. I know you're probably getting paid

smething like five dollars for our time together

But. I'd apreciate it if you assumed I was going to sign

up with you and put forth just like a tiny bit of effort.

Are you going to sign up with me?

Most likely not. Thats why I said "assume".

There you go. You're human afterall.

Yea. Sometimes.

So am I. Which is why I really wanna squeeze into a

size three for my sister's wedding in a couple weeks.

Mhmmm. So that's the insecure reason.

Well if you knew my sister you'd know why.

Is she like, some tiny little

blonde annoying thing?

What are you? Psychic?

No. No. I'm just really good at stereotypes.

Well you nailed it. Shes a human Pomeranian.

Bad.

You gonna kick my ass or what?

Um. Well you buy ten sessions from me and

I'll give you the workout of your life.

Thats extortion.

I'm a personal trainer. It's what I do.

How about I buy five, and I don't tell your

boss that there's vodka in your protein shake?

Yea. No Yea. That's good. Good and fair.

Good.

Whoooee! I'm f***in' you up!

- Only because you're first player.

- You suck at second player.

Oh. Hey man. We'll pick all this up.

When?

It looks like a freshman dorm in here guys.

After we're finished smoking

this marijuana cigar.

So you're smoking weed now too huh?

That's my fault.

I didn't think it'd be a big deal.

What are you even doing here?

Emily found my Indian porn.

You should put that in your antivirus folder.

Cause that's what Rich does.

- Okay. Five more mintes. All right. And Josh is going home and you will be vaccuming up the blunt guts off of my carpet. Yes.

- No. But that's not enough time!

He's right. That's a Dutch Master. It's gonna take at least

ten minutes to burn. Maybe eight if you wanna get in on it.

Five minutes is good.

And there is one more thing, that I'm, gonna

have to ask you to leave the toilet seat down.

Why? You pissing out of your ass?

Oh Sh*t.

He's pissing out of his ass.

Look.

We're here for you man. We're gonna do everything

we can to get things back the way they were.

Isn't that right?

Sure.

See?

Doesn't that give you confidence?

Hey bud, Ive been playing

with your dick all day.

- Oh my God! Yea man! Whoa!

- It is so mysterious! Oh. Ah. Ohhhh.

Eh. She can't be older than

twenty three, that kid is seven,

He just doesnt stop.

Wow. Looks like you've got your hands full.

I know a great babysitter. Pretty cheap.

If my dick came to life he'd

probably be a lot more behaved.

There's gotta be something I can do right? Someone I can appease. I

mean, if the universe is keeping score, how the f*** can I earn points?

- Oh my God that's it.

- What's it?

All right. This all started happening after

I screwed things up with Jamie right?

So if I can fix that maybe

I can reverse everything.

Thank you.

Born again Christian bullshit.

Where'd Rich go?

[Doorbell Buzzes] Food's here!

What the f***?

Uh. We didn't order seven-eleven.

Baby you don't answer the

door like that. Rich.

What are you doing here?

What the hell is this guy doing here?

- Who are you?

- Who are you?

- Delivery for Jamie?

- Yes

Will you get the money baby?

Sure little big penguin girl.

I'm gone for a month and you're

having sex with some like:

- "Hey dude"

- Yea

What did you expect Rich? For me to sit around with

my thumb up my ass lementing what could have been?

We ran out of duck sauce so

I put in extra soy sauce.

Thank you.

Seriously Rich. You let some girl gnaw

on your penis like a number two pencil.

I'm sorry about that. Okay? But I lost

control. And people they lose control.

No animals lose control.

Is he comming back? Cause this

is getting kind of akward.

Chill out Tokyo Drift.

I can say that. I mean we dated. We dated!

- Yo babe.

- Hm?

I'm looking all over your purse

and I cant find your money.

It's in my wallet.

Girls have wallets too?

Blowin' my f***in' mind right now babe!

Okay. I

- I want to make things better.

- [Laughs]

- Don't laugh.

- That wasn't a laugh. That was an involuntary chest spasm.

- Look. I loved you.

- [Laughs]

- You know if you would just give me another chance.

- No. It's too late for that Rich.

You know, in fact I'm really happy that you f***ed

things up. Now I'm having the sex of my life

with a beautiful idiot who cant text without

substituting numbers for words. It's amazing.

I'm sorry. I. Wow. I shouldn't have come.

Enjoy your Generals Chicken.

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