Bad Johnson Page #4

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- It's Broccoli Beef.

F*** you.

One more. One more.

Do you even know what one more means?

"Baby Penguin Girl". Are you f***ing serious?

Look. I know you're going

through some sh*t right now

But I've had a long day of being nitpicked by my b*tch of a boss. So I'd

apreciated it if you could pretty please not be so God damn angsty.

Yes. Yea. No I will try to do that.

Sorry. I didn't mean for

that to come off so harsh.

It's fine. I think I actually needed that.

- You wanna maybe grab some coffee after this?

- Oh.

Um. I don't think that's a good idea.

- I didn't mean it like that.

- How'd you mean it?

Well not like that.

Look. Um. You're an awesome trainer and all.

And. And yea. You're kind of good looking. Um.

I don't think you're my type.

It's just I see the way you walk around here acting all "playery" pretending

to scratch your abs so you can lift up your shirt and show off that

"V" thing you've got going on.

- Sometimes ya know I have an itch.

- Every fourty seconds?

All right. Lets do some trunk twists.

Stand up. C'mon.

Hey. Thanks for the pickup. But can you step on it a little bit?

I've gotta meet up with this chick from OkCupid in like an hour.

And she said to me "Hey. Tonight, if you want, you

can put your P in my V". And I was like "eh."

I'd rather put my C in your C.

Right?

[Brakes Screech]

You get it? That was funny

Oh!

Sh*t!

- What the f*** is your problem dude?

- What is my problem?

Ya know I put a roof over your head. Ok? I give

you food to eat. And this is how you repay me.

So right now might not be the best

time to ask about getting an iPhone?

No.

- It would be so simple to just add to your family plan.

- No!

Okay. I am not going to put

up with your sh*t anymore.

Society is not going to put up with your sh*t.

Okay? You need to straigten up and fly right.

Or you can wander the streets

with the hobos and the teenagers.

You wouldn't kick me out.

Try me. The free ride is over.

- From now on you pay rent.

- [Laughs]

How the hell am I supposed to do that?

Get a job.

F*** that. Who would even hire me? I've got

enough THC in my blood to resurrect Bob Marley.

You can stand in front of the

hardware store with the illegals.

You're about as much fun as a rubber.

You know that right?

Is anyone gonna hire us?

Mhm.

F*** this.

Next up is the lovely Shila.

Place your bets. Pink or brown?

Pink.

Uh oh. She's Latina.

This does not bode well for you my friend.

Whoo! Brown. You owe me a beer motherf***er.

Where'd you get all that money?

Oh. You know. Rich's wallet.

You're stealing from Rich?

Actually I consider it more of an allowance.

- Yea I should probably be getting home to Emily.

- She's got you on a pretty short leash huh?

I control the size of my leash.

Oh. Like a big boy. Yea. Good for you.

Yea well have you ever

thought about severing it?

No. I'm happy.

Oh good. So you're having a lot of sex then.

I'm having enough sex.

Okay well no man who's getting his dick wet

on a regular basis ever thinks it's enough.

- You're bored.

- No.

That's it. you're bored. You've had too

many trips to the same watering hole.

Too many times playing that same video game.

- Can we not talk about Emily?

- You're the one who brought her up.

Oh my God. What's your name?

Josh.

Sorry I don't have any money.

Oh. I don't want your money.

What do we have here? A little

uh, slumdog elephant princess?

- I'm Peruvian.

- Okay. Same thing. Less hair.

You should go.

- Please let her stay.

- You're so f***ing cute. I don't normally get like this.

- But there's just something about you.

- I shouldn't be doing this.

Of course you should. Feels good right?

Yea.

But I love Emily. My girlfriend.

C'mon. Love is like a space heater.

Yea it's good for a drafty corner

but it's hardly the solution

for an entire room.

C'mon. I know you fantasize about

other women. We all do. It's natural.

So why don't you disarm that

big ticking bomb in your chest

and stop denying yourself the

pleasures that you deserve?

You deserve it baby.

I can't. I can't.

- C'mon.

- I'm sorry.

You're still gonna give me

my three hundred right?

Wait. What? Dude you set this up?

- I prefer the term "Orchestrated".

- F*** you.

He's not paying me.

Okay. She's jumping to

conclusions on that one. But

Yea she is right. I'm not

paying her sh*t. So.

Hmmm. You guys have little kid bouncers here?

Let's go out to the playground. That's so weird. Im bigger than

you. I just wanna eat that little nose off your face. Oh yea. Whoo!

He's the Antichrist.

I mean I know he's bad

but he's not Hitler bad.

He could be. If he applied himself.

What happened?

He set me up to cheat on Emily.

You cheated on Emily?

No.

No. Almost did.

He is a persuasive motherf***er.

I'm not blaming him. I won't deny that your dick

could sell dog sh*t to a freshly mowed lawn. Still.

This is my f*** up.

Wow.

You're a better man than I ever was.

Than I'll ever be.

Rich.

You okay?

Yea. I'm fine.

- Yea. Call me a woman.

- Oh you're a woman.

Tell me I'm a pretty woman. Yea. Yea.

Tell me I look like I lost weight.

Do it!

You look like you've lost weight.

Yea. Do the pledge of allegience.

Say it in an Asian voice.

- I pledge alegience

- Yes Yes!

I. Am. F***ed. You. Right. Now.

It feels good for me and I

don't know how you feel!

You're a spider monkey commin' and

you're at maximum capacity right now.

Yes. Yes.

Whoo!

Rich! What the f***?

You have two minutes.

To grab your sh*t and get out of my life.

Whoa whoa whoa. C'mon.

Let's talk about this for a sec.

A minute fifty.

There's no way that was ten seconds.

Whoa whoa whoa whoa. Where

is this comming from?

Is this because I f***ed Melissa?

No, it's because you..

You f***ed Melissa?

Yea. You didn't give me a big deal. I mean technically

I've already, you know, been inside of her multiple times.

Come on! We're supposed to be friends.

Oh friends. Do you know how many

people I can't talk to because of you?

How many places that I can't go?

No you are not my friend okay?

You have cost me friends.

You didn't have to listen to me.

Grab your sh*t and get the f*** out of my life or I

will break your head open like a goddamn pinata.

Then you're going to blood all over the floor and then

you're not going to get your security deposit back.

Fine. Get my sh*t.

Now what?

Trash bags under the sink.

You're not even gonna give me a suitcase?

F*** you. F*** you.

I have never liked you.

All those times that you pissed and then you shook me and

put me back inside your underwear and I still leaked

That was just my way of telling

you to just go f*** yourself.

And you're right.

I may have been your Raison D'etre

But I was never your f***in' friend.

Making that wish is probably the

best decision you've ever made.

No more headaches from

bangin' on your inner thigh,

No more chafed skin from

feature length jack sessions

I'm a f***in' free man.

And I'm gonna do great things.

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