Bad Johnson Page #5

---

So just go ahead and look for me in

the spotlight you f***in' dick head.

My dick is gone for good. My life is over.

C'mon let's put this sh*t in perspective.

You're twenty eight.

You've already had more sex than most

men will have their entire lives.

Yea.

And now I'm a Ken doll.

And Ken is always smiling.

You know why?

He doesn't have to deal with the

bullshit that every other man does.

You gotta think about all the time you can devote to other

things now that you don't have to worry about jacking off.

Or hittin' on girls, or cheating on girls

Your life just became a thousand

times less complicated.

You'll be able to get sh*t done.

Hell you can write the great American novel.

Yea but I don't want to write

the great American novel.

I want my f***in' dick back.

You don't need him back Rich.

You have a chance to let your heart do

the leading without any interference.

It's like having two angels on

your shoulder instead of one

And a roided up devil.

You're gonna be a better person for it.

You just don't see it yet.

You really think I'll be ok?

I know you will.

Everything happens for a reason.

No don't say that.

I f***ing hate it when people say that.

So do I.

Hey come on let's go. Let's go.

It's called a warm up not a beat down.

Here we go. Here we go.

I can increase my resistance on

my own, thank you very much.

You know I liked you a lot better before

you got your Aderal prescription filled.

It's like you're a

completely different person.

No no no. I'm not a person. I'm your

player douchebag personal trainer.

You're not a douchebag.

We're doing legs today.

You're a total douchebag.

So what brought you out of your funk?

Did you meet a girl? Romance her while

watching The Notebook and fell madly in love?

The Notebook? Please. I

am a Princess Bride man.

Uh uh. Inconceivable.

- Not a Notebook fan either. Although...

- Please do not say Ryan Gosling.

Of course Ryan Gosling.

But besides him, that

kissing in the rain scene,

Every girl wants to be kissed in the rain.

Then maybe you should move

to the Pacific Northwest.

Maybe I will.

Seriously though.

Why are you so chipper all of a sudden?

All right well this is

gonna sound cliche, but,

Gah, I was living my life one way and I realized

that I just couldn't live it that way anymore.

Sound like anyone who's ever

been on Behind The Music.

I know right? And I feel like

I've been detoxing hardcore.

From what?

- Women.

- Oh God.

- This isn't some player angle is it?

- No.

God no. I'm not trying to play you.

And I have no alterior motives. I'm not even

gonna to try to get you to go out with me.

Promise. I'm just gonna,

help you reach your fitness goals

in the least creepy way possible.

In that case we should probably

go for a drink tomorow night.

What? Celebrate you being off your period.

- Huh?

- All right. All right.

What were all the conflicts they

taught us during emotion class?

Man vs. Man, Man vs. Supernatural.

Man vs. Nature, Man vs...

- Himself.

- Himself. Right.

It's some tough sh*t.

Did you get in an accident?

Sure yea. Something like that.

- You clean up nice.

- Oh. Thanks.

There we go. Don't Stop Believin'.

Oh. No. You can't play Don't Stop Believing.

Why not?

Cause. You just can't.

It's a universal bar rule.

I like it though, so...

I like it too. Hm.

Everyone likes it.

Then whats the problem?

Well do you know how many

people play that song?

And then everytime it comes on everyone sings along

but in the back of their mind they're thinking

Gosh. Who is the d*ckhead that picked this?

Me.

Oh. Wow. Wow.

Wow. Okay yea. Bartenders

are going to hate me now.

- Shut up or I'll play Tiny Dancer.

- Ooo.

I love you so much.

Would you mind if we kissed?

- Doug, stop.

- C'mon just for a second.

- I don't think we should.

- I think it's okay. We try...

- Leave me alone.

- I'm sorry. Look I wasn't trying to hurt

- Who are you?

- Relax. I'm white.

White?

Goin home with Jill huh?

Who's Jill?

J-I-L-L. Jill?

Hey sailor. Hey.

What?

Let me guess. You borrowed your dad's

car, you broke the bank on dinner,

You acted like an all

around gentleman, and now

Here you are wishing you would've

just stayed home and jacked off.

Yea how do you know that?

That's a pain every man knows.

You know, we're all about gettin' it

in, they're all about keepin' it out

That's why bullshit exists, all right?

The greatest trick that a woman can ever

pull is making a man think he's in love.

That's how they gain control.

Okay? You want my advice?

Remain cold.

Remain cold?

Yea. Exactly. If she doesn't put out you go find someone

who will. Because someone will. With a face like that

Biceps like those,

All right?

- Okay. [Laughs]

- I'll tell you right now, handholds and kisses,

They're not worth time or money.

Now. Get the f*** out of the

car because I'm stealing it.

Uh, yea.

Uh what about that guy who puts his

whole mouth on the water fountain?

Oh the one with the uh, the camo bandana

- and has the

- Highly original barbed wire tattoo?

Exactly. I can't f***in' stand that guy.

I mean you could like a dot

to dot with his bachne.

Thats probably the most

discusting thing I've ever heard.

You know what? Most girls that look

like you, they're not usually..

Funny? Intelligent? Witty?

I wasn't gonna say any of those things.

Well yea. I wasn't always

this effortlessly beautiful

Effortlessly?

I was that um,

awkward, chubby alternative

girl in high school with the

bad skin and the pink

rubber bands on her braces.

Okay. Did you write the names of your favorite

bands on your backpack with a whiteout pen?

How did you know?

Did the same thing. Eighth grade when

I was going through my skater phase.

- You were a skater?

- Oh hell yea.

Rocked the Jnco's and everything.

Wow. I just, I had you pegged for the homecomming

king with the blonde cheerleader girlfriend.

Uh, that was senior year.

Ok yea no never mind, I was right.

Actually you know what? I was

in a five year relationship.

Believe it or not. This girl, Kimmy, and

Wow, I even thought we were

gonna get married but,

What happened?

Um, she cheated on me.

If it's any consolation, I've been

cheated on like, a dozen times.

Yea no, It's probably the

worst feeling in the world.

To know that the person that you love

Thought someone else was better.

I just like to think that they had shitty

taste, and that I was the exception.

Like that guy at the bar over there.

Don't look.

I'm gonna look and pretend I'm looking

past him at something else entirely.

Ok. Be discreet.

Yea. No he saw me lookin' right at him.

We had like, a moment even.

Did you see what he was drinking?

Bud Light?

Bud Ice. I know right?

He's been sucking them back like there is no tomorrow. Except

for his last beer. His last beer was an expensive micro brew.

That's what we are. We're

the expensive micro brews.

That one beer that people have, don't apreciate,

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes