Bad Johnson Page #6

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and then dump to go back to drinking cheap beer.

Does that mean that we suck? No. It just

means that we are not for everyone.

Someone will come along.

Make us the only thing they drink.

So. I had a good time.

So did I.

You know I'm only doing this

to get free sessions right?

Oh no, I know. Your not gettin' em but it

was, gosh, it was an inspired attempt.

So.

I mean should we hug?

Or what?

I don't know. I don't know.

Shake hands maybe?

Do something to say goodbye?

Oh like say goodbye?

Yea no, that works.

We could friend hug.

You know one good squeeze and then a pat.

Squeeze and pat? Perfect yea.

Yea. Suck that. Keep it consistent.

Yea, don't stop. Oh wait. No.

No fancy tongue sh*t. No.

What happened? You went limp.

Totally wasn't a friend hug.

Where is that piece of sh*t?

Baby I love you okay?

Oh sh*t.

So listen I was getting some head last night and

I felt something I havent felt for a while.

You know that, warm feeling where you

care less about sex and more about love?

So here's your job right now. You need to answer: Is

our dickless friend puppy doggin' it with someone?

Hm? What? Oh sh*t.

Did I hit you too hard?

Ah I guess I'm gonna have to

go straight to the source.

This is not good.

He says he can feel you.

Well, Good. Good. I hope I'm distracting

him as much as he used to distract me.

I dunno man. I think you set

him off with that girl.

You think he's losin' power or somethin'?

I haven't been f***ed up in a parking lot

since I tried to pursue a career in MMA.

Whatever it is, he's pissed.

He deserves it. All right?

You were right. I'm better off without him.

What are we doing?

It's a surprise.

If this is a surprise, I'm

surprised it sucks so much.

- I'm just kidding.

- No. I know. It's not that.

What is it?

I can't tell you.

Cmon. You hit like a baby kangaroo.

All right. So you know how you always, you kow how you said

you, always wanted to kiss in the rain? Well Weather.com said,

Should be raining, right now.

You brought us out here to kiss in the rain?

No not kiss. Make out passionately.

I don't know what to say.

Well you could say, uh, F*** you weather.com

- Hey whats wrong?

- Nah. Nothing. Why?

It's just that guys usually don't pull

away when girls take off their pants.

I just, you know, I wanna

take things slow. That's all.

I'm sorry, I..

I'm not ready.

This is Lindsay, again.

Look, I don't know what the hell is going

on but this is really f***in' lame.

- Maybe he had an outbreak.

- That's gross.

Well why else would he reject you? A guy turning down sex is

like a dog turning down chocolate. It just doesn't happen.

He said he wasn't ready.

Seriously? That's our line. That's not his.

If he's not calling you back, screw him.

You can do a lot better than a personal

trainer. There's like billions of them.

- It's just I wanted to take him to my sister's

wedding too, and - Katie Cambell, is that you?

Oh my god it's been years.

- Excuse me?

- Oh my God.

I'm so sorry. I thought you were

one of my classmates from Oxford.

Nah. I went to school here in state.

I feel even stupider now because I just

realized that you guys look nothing alike.

You're much prettier than she was.

She's single.

Oh. Really? I mean, maybe I should stick

around and flirt a little bit then.

- I'm just kidding, um, not really

- Would you like to join us?

- Yea. If um,

- Linday.

If Lindsay doesn't object.

Please.

So. Is that Lindsay with an

A, or Lindsay with an E?

A.

I knew it. A Lindsays always put E

Lindsays to shame. That's a fact.

I'm R.P. by the way.

Hi.

- Hi I'm Samantha.

- Samantha?

- Yea.

Why aren't you gorgeous?

So what do you do R.P?

Actually, kind of a, kind of a mouthful. Um,

I am the international coordinator

for a number of charities worldwide.

Oh wow. Do you have a favorite?

They're all equally rewarding,

I'd say in their own way. But

We did just do a pants drive

for the torso foundation.

I've not heard of that one.

It's a charity. It's for people that have

lost the lower halves of their bodies.

Boating accidents and tumors. Stray

cables in amusement park rides. But,

Watching them come together and donate their

old pants really puts things in perspective.

Ya know. Maybe I'm sappy but

I guess you don't need a pair of legs

to walk a mile in someone else's pants.

Anyway I feel stupid. I have a confession.

There is no Katie Cambell. I didn't know

how to come over and say hi to you.

I'm sorry.

Oh you lied because you were nervous? That

is so cute. Isn't that so cute Lindsay?

Yes I do love an honest liar.

Wow. If you let me take you out to dinner

I'd lie to you all night. Honestly.

All right. So Lindsay, I don't know how

to tell you this but, My penis is gone.

Penis is M.I.A.

My penis is gone on definite haitus.

Hello?

Whaddup Kid?

What do you want?

You can't say whaddup back?

Whaddup?

Oh you know just gettin'

more ass than gay Latin men.

Haven't you felt it?

Uh no I haven't.

Oh that's wierd because I've been

feeling you getting all lovey dovey

- I figured you'd be feelin' me gettin' all bust a nutty.

- What do you want?

I was gonna call and invite

you to dinner tomorrow night.

I'm gonna be down at the Bougie Fondue place down

in Armitige. Ya know it looks pretty low key but

Kind of expensive.

Sorry I'm gonna have to pass on that.

You're not gonna wanna do that.

- And why is that?

- Ahh there in lies the fun.

You're just gonna have to trust that I've

got something mind blowing for your ass.

You're probably gonna wanna

put it in your memoirs.

And don't even think about not showing up because I

will make your life suck harder than the W.N.B.A.

I'll make sure the whole world knows

you're packin' a blank canvas.

You wouldn't.

Uhh. Actually, yea I would.

So holla back b*tch.

I haven't told you how

beautiful you look tonight.

Thank you.

Don't thank me. I said

that I haven't told you.

Do you know why?

Why?

Because I can't find the words to

express how beautiful you look.

Um, you know you don't need to spit game,

I'm already having dinner with you.

I'm not spitting game. I am just like

Grenade launching it everywhere I can.

Like me. Please.

You're kind of a dork you kow that?

- Is that a bad thing? Or

- No

Not at all. It's better

than not being a dork.

I'm kind of a late bloomer. Kind

of comes with the territory.

So I'm gonna run to the bathroom.

And then when I come back

I will be initiating

light contact. Just wanna warn you.

And it might come from under the table.

Oh my God. Rich?

What? No. No no no no no no.

You stay the f*** away from her okay?

I'm sorry do I know you?

- Don't play that sh*t with me. I am not scared of you.

- Rich.

What are you doing here?

He told me to come.

I have never seen this guy in my life.

Bull sh*t. Bull sh*t.

Bull sh*t okay. He is my...

Your what?

Your what?

Nothin'. Nothing.

- No. What were you you going to say?

- Yea what?

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