Bad Johnson Page #7

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Nothin'. He's my doppleganger.

Oh that's really sad. I've

heard about a mental illness

Shut up okay. Lindsay, you

have to listen to me okay?

You want to stay away from this guy. He's

[Gasping]

- Oh sh*t.

- Oh my God.

That guy had no dick.

Wow. Very odd.

- Sorry about everything that happened tonight.

- Don't be. It's not your fault.

I just can't believe that he had nothing down there. I mean

do you think that it's like a birth defect or a cancer thing?

Don't know.

Why would the bus boy just

pull down his pants like that?

I think bus boys just have a

sixth sense about bad people.

You kow? Kind of like animals.

Is something going on between you two?

I don't know whats going on.

I mean obviously I have no idea

what happened between you two

I'm guessing it has something to do with the fact that

he's got an anchor for sale and he's batshit crazy but

It's not my business. I'm not one to judge.

I just don't wanna interfere

with anything so...

If you want me to back off

I totally understand.

No. It's fine.

You sure? I like you.

Sorry, sounds like a,

Wanna go on a picnic this saturday?

Can't. My sister's getting married.

Oh no sh*t. Well congratulations to her.

- Open bar?

- Oh yea.

Nice. You know no government recognized life long

commitment is complete without copious amounts of alcohol.

Tell me about it.

Do you maybe wanna come with me?

What? Like be your date?

Oh not at all.

I'll be buzzed and flirting with you, with the romantic

backdrop of a wedding? Of course I wanna go with you.

- F*** a picnic.

- Great.

- See you Saturday then?

- Saturday it is.

Oh I'm sorry.

No that's okay. I know it's not me.

My confidence is still intact.

So I'll just be handsome for you on Saturday?

Who is that? Is that.. Gotcha anyway.

Hello it's Lindsay. [Laughs] Just kidding.

Leave a message. Not here.

Two hundred and seventy nine missed calls.

That's a new stalker record.

- Give me back my phone.

- No I won't.

I'm holding onto this for your own good. Cause the

sooner that psycho is out of your life the better.

- He's not a psycho.

- Lindsay he doesn't have a dick.

He could be Nick Carter from the Backstreet Boys circa

1999 and I'd still be like: Kick him to the curb.

You can't be with somebody that

you can't have sex with. All right?

He doesn't have a dick.

Lindsay?

No, but I did make her face look

like a Cinnabun last night.

You mother f***er.

Where are you?

I am at a payphone somewhere.

Actually I don't know how I

keep finding these things.

- Where's Lindsay?

- Oh.

Don't worry about her. She's home

safe right now. She's recovering.

So that uh, That birthmark on her

right hip, that didn't bother you?

Nope. Reverse side cowgirl. All night.

Didn't have to see one deformity.

Yea ya know she doesn't have a birthmark.

Oh. Ok. Fine. great. You got me.

But you're still a b*tch. And

she's still an inevitability.

We're going to a wedding

this weekend together.

Weddings are pretty condusive to penetration.

Are you really calling me just to talk sh*t?

Right. I just can't call and talk sh*t?

I thought you knew me better than that.

But no. I called to tell you that girlfriends

are for guys who can't get p*ssy.

And you're just trying to blow up right now because

you're no longer a force on the f*** circuit.

So I suggest that you don't or I will find whoever you

fall for and I tear them up like a losing scratch off.

Save yourself some pain,

and uh, call it a life.

Hello?

Hi. I was just calling to say

that I just found your dog Rusty.

Are you serious? Thank heaven. Baby!

They found Rusty. They got Rusty!

I'm just f***ing with you guys. I don't

know where the hell your dog is.

I don't think this is a battle you can win.

Drian said the exact same thing to Rocky

Right before he fought Drago.

Rocky's a retard.

- He blocks with his head.

- Rocky has heart.

So did Rudy and everyone knew not

to give that motherf***er a chance.

Look. This isn't about me anymore okay.

This is about Lindsay.

And I will be God damned if I let

my dick have his way with her.

How are you going to stop him?

Well...

No. No Rich. I am not getting involved.

Not.

God damn it. Why are you so charming?

I'm having a great time with you.

Oh. I'm having fun too. I was

worried it might be a little weird.

Yea. I sense that. But all that

matters is you're having a good time.

By the way I've got a wonderful

evening planned for us.

You have an evening planned for us?

Yea no. We're gonna be leaving here

shitfaced. But regardless I thought

It'd be nice to ride high on

the sentiment of the day.

That, and I have a giant

middle school crush on you.

Proper girl in the hat just

eye f***ed the sh*t outta me.

Do not quote Wedding Crashers.

We're crashing a wedding.

- Why can't I quote Wedding Crashers?

- Because. It's played out.

Oh hey. This is my uncle Bob.

Oh. It's a pleasure.

- My aunt Judy.

- Judy. Very lovely. Bob you dog.

This is my little cousin Gabby.

Oh. Well hello there. Gabby.

Wow.

Aren't you gonna be hot when you get older.

Please remember me?

Yea. She still beleives in Santa.

Who want's more champagne?

Right there. There they are.

All right. Did you bring it?

It's right here.

What would I do without you?

Hey I'm gonna get some, hit the, head.

Um, is what I meant to say. You good?

Excuse me, could you slip this

to that girl right over there?

Um. Excuse me.

But do I look like a f***ing messenger?

"Meet me at Schiller's Statue."

Oh. What the f*** is this?

Oh no wait. Let me guess.

You want to get her alone

So you can profess your undying love for her

And then steal her away

from the guy she's with.

Oh that is so f***ing original, really.

And you know what though? I really don't wanna

be a part of that. So I'm gonna tell you what.

Judging from your behavior, you seem like a major creeper, which

is probably why she doesn't wanna be with you. And you know what?

I wouldn't want to be with you either,

and you are normally my type.

But I'm gonna tell you something. I'm not gonna

tell on you cause that is bad, f***ing, karma.

But I am gonna strongly suggest, that you

sir, get outta here. Thank you. So much.

Wow.

Excuse me.

Could you hand this to that

girl right over there?

Sure.

Excuse me Miss. This is for you.

Thank you.

Please. Don't freak out.

I can't promise anything.

I know I'm in no position to explain

myself and I'm not even gonna try.

Okay? I just came here because I want

to show you something, and that is all.

And you look fabulous in

that dress by the way.

Thanks.

I have a good trainer.

Yes you do. All right. Right here.

Damn girl. You shouldn't be eye f***ing the sh*t

outta me if you're gonna make me work like this.

- What the hell is this?

- Lindsay.

Rich?

I guess you do know me.

This isn't what it looks like.

If it looks like he was all over me trying to get

me to blow him, then yea it is what it looks like.

Please don't say that again.

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