Bad Johnson Page #8

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I'm sorry. You're the one

who made me do this.

Rich is lucky I love him so much.

- Thank you Emily.

- You're welcome Rich.

I'm taking you home and

bathing you in Pine Sol.

I was drinking. She started comming onto me. I was telling her

to stop. I was pushing her away and she just kept comming at me.

He set this up.

Excuses. Excuses.

Lindsay, please.

It's gonna be like that?

No. No. No.

I can't let you guys get all toughy feely.

Oh. Hey officer. We're fine.

- Let go of me you a**hole.

- You forgot to say please.

There's a bomb strapped to us.

There's a bomb.

The cake always gets destroyed baby.

Don't act surprised.

Help!

We're just role playing.

There's no need to be alarmed.

No ones gonna help you.

Why are you doing this?

What? You don't like being kidnapped?

I'm messing with you.

Me and Rich. We go together

like corn-rows and crime.

Unfortunately that pesky little heart

of his could f*** up my very existence.

So it goes down to the whole Darwinian thing

I was hoping you'd fall for me but since it's not looking

like we're gonna be smelling each other's farts anytime soon,

I'm just gonna amke sure

you don't fall for Rich.

And I think it's hard to fall for someone

if you're falling off a building.

[Screams]

Did anyone see a girl being kidnapped?

This part of the role playing too?

No it's not, roleplaying.

- God. You're not the lightest thing are you?

- I'm a size three. A**hole.

Where? Old Navy?

It's a pity things didn't work out.

Tonight was gonna be amazing.

I was gonna cuddle you and love you and romance you and then stretch

you. Hope I get a refund on that room. Fingers crossed right?

All right. Where'd she go? Where'd she go?

Where'd she go?

There she is. There she is.

Stay the f*** away from me.

Just come look at the view with me please.

Oh. F***. [Laughing]

Whoo. That was so f***in' meta.

Ah. Sh*t. You Again.

You're like gum on a f***in' shoe.

You need to stay away from her.

Why? So you guys can just go ride off into

the sunset and grind your crotches together?

- Eh, I don't think so.

- You're getting weaker.

Aren't you? I mean thats

why you just, you can't

Leave us alone?

Wow. You are so brilliant.

You f***in' cracked the code man.

What the hell are you talking about?

He is, he's not, my doppleganger. Okay? He...

He's my penis.

Don't think about it too hard darling. It's

Pretty complicated.

- No nope no no no.

- Look, I'm not leaving without her.

Oh ok well uh, then you're not leaving.

Hey you wanna know why I am who

I am and he is who he isn't?

Because he can't behave himself.

He's cheated on every single

girlfriend that he's ever had.

- That is not true.

- Oh. Okay.

How about I tell a little story then. So...

Rich dated this girl Kimmy

for about what, five years?

She was perfect actually. Anyway she took a heavy

sh*t on his heart by sleeping with somebody else

Which is... actually pretty sad huh?

Except, he cheated, on her.

A few times.

And nobody knew it. Not even his

little f***in, butt body Josh.

And then he likes to blame

their failure on her cold ways

when the reality is that he was

f***ing around, the whole time.

Look. Things are gonna be different.

Haven't you figured it out yet Rich?

As long as I'm here,

It's always gonna be the same.

No. It's not.

Okay. I blamed you for a

lot of things in the past.

Okay I made excuses. But

I am stronger than you.

Okay It's my fault for never saying no.

I mean, I was a shitty person. Simple

as that. And I know, I know I can't

Be with her and give her what she needs,

and that sucks, and it hurts. But,

That's not what this is about.

This is about,

Keeping her away from someone like you.

- Well let's test that resolve.

- Let's.

Is that all you've got? You used

to jerk me off harder than that.

You got short legs. You can't do it.

I've got long legs.

Oh okay. Whoa.

All right. Game changer.

A little cyanide? Good yea. Right

now is a perfect time to end it.

No this is for erectile dysfunction.

You gonna stiffen me up?

That's not gonna work.

We're about to find out. Okay?

It's that gun that's just out of reach.

Here you wanna graze it? Here you go.

Just give it a little graze

with those fingertips.

Yea. Oh great.

Now we gotta wait an hour and a

half for them to take effect.

These are one fifties.

Yea.

Whew. Yea. They are good.

I feel f***ing good.

You gettin' f***ed up son.

Remember me? B*tch slap, b*tch

slap, b*tch slap, pimp pimp.

I like you better when

you're a damsel in distress.

Whew. Where's he gonna go?

[Screaming] No. Wait. Please.

Get up please.

Probably shouldn't have my back to him.

Can you do me a solid and let

me know if he's commin' up?

F*** you.

Oh thank you.

Oh. You wanna go another round?

Okay.

I win.

We got him.

Here we go folks. Got you a little blanket.

Oh thank you. It's like

70 degrees out here so,

we don't need a blanket.

Thank you for saving me.

Sure yea. I mean I'm gonna have to bill ya

for a few extra training sessions. But,

Shut up.

All right look.

So, I know, that I'm not

all there, so to speak.

But,

Hey. I wanna make it work too.

Yea?

What?

Rich.

Oh my God. What? Oh yes!

Oh I own you b*tch.

Where's the perp?

He's gone. He vanished. Like Yoda.

He did a slow fade into nothin'?

No. Just the blink of the eye.

Ok then it's not like Yoda.

Because Yoda faded away.

Right.

Oh, my god.

Sorry.

- Really?

- Sorry. Sorry.

Yea. All right look. Wow. Now that he's back,

Okay.

I can't promise that, I won't look. But,

I can promise one hundred

percent, that I will be good.

I'll just have to keep you occupied then.

Yea. Works.

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