Bad Milo! Page #3

soon, somebody else will.

- Come on.

- Be a man and ask for help.

Call me.

How is this guy a doctor?

All right.

Let's, uh...

...let's see here.

There you go.

So far... so good.

Uh... no.

That's strange.

I'm in the right...

Hold on.

Huh-huh-huh-huh-huh.

Where are you?

Yula, can you hold the

chart up for me?

Huh, that is strange.

I'm right in the right spot,

and there's no polyp in here.

I'm right there.

I'm right in the neighborhood.

I'm knocking...

...but no one's home.

Jesus!

What the f***?

I-I-I honestly,

I didn't know where else to go.

I mean, it was just

a weird night.

I mean,

I had this horrible dream.

And the guy I work with

was killed by a rabid raccoon.

- What?

- And then the night before,

I woke up in the bathroom.

I woke up in the bathroom,

and I didn't know what happened.

What do you want me to do?

I want you to hypnotize me.

Fantastic.

In your own time,

please tell me...

...what you see.

I'm standing in front

of an office building.

It's where I work.

Can you tell me about your work?

It's a financial services company.

It's not very fulfilling.

Lately, it's been stressful.

Very...

Very stressful.

Are you alone?

No. I'm with my mother.

And where is your father?

My father's not there.

Why?

My parents divorced

when I was eight.

Abandonment issues.

- Shut up!

- Abandonment issues.

I'll clip your wings.

Go on.

Sarah?

And Sarah's there?

She's right over there.

On the grass.

And what does Sarah want?

I know what she wants.

She wants a family.

And I just don't know if I...

...if I'll ever be a good...

good dad.

I know, I know, I know

it will make you happy.

But I don't... I just want to wait

to have a kid.

My mother hired

this a**hole fertility doctor.

Oh, my God!

Wow.

Hey-hey-hey!

Just hold it right there.

Stay right there.

Stay right there, you hear me?

Whoa!

No! No! No! No!

Mr. Hayslip.

I'm going to count

from three down to one.

And when I reach one,

you're gonna wake up.

Do you understand?

Three, two...

Get off!

One!

What is that?!

He's gone.

It just went out the window.

Wow.

How's your ass?

This might help.

And this.

I should've spotted it

when you first walked in.

- My life is over.

- It's in the eyes.

Always in the eyes.

Sorry.

What the f*** are

you talking about?

It's not in the eyes.

That thing came out of my ass.

- It was ins...

- Shh.

What do we do?

Just wait. Wait.

Wait, what?

For what?

For somebody to snap

their fingers and wake me up?

Cause my life is over.

Did I mention that my life is over?

I'm gonna just go home to my wife.

And... Oh, my God, Sarah.

Hey, Sarah, I'm home. Guess what?

I have an alien in my ass.

There is this ancient myth

surrounding the anus.

Here it is. Look at this.

The myth of our anus.

You see, before religion became

the primary focus of our society,

there was a beautiful time

where mythology

and legends filled our beings.

What does this have

to do with me?

Listen, I believe

that this very same creature

came out of your anus

and attacked your co-worker.

- Alistair?

- Precisely.

When you're pushed into a corner

by someone,

this creature comes out

and attacks that someone.

In this case, it was me.

Look here.

My ass, I got bitten.

What if I have more

inside of me?

Well, if that's the case,

we have to kill this thing.

No, no, no.

You're missing the point.

This thing is a part of you.

Don't you understand?

It's your subconscious.

It's your raw desires.

No, I didn't mean to hurt Alistair.

I don't want to hurt anybody.

We're still apes, Hayslip.

Don't you understand?

Maybe you didn't want

to hurt him in here.

But I think you wanted

to hurt him in here.

And in here.

If you kill it, you're gonna kill

a very important part of yourself.

You see,

that fear, worry and anger

are essential to the

human beings

as long as we can control them

and use them to our advantage.

My mentor always told me,

"Stop carrying the horse

on your shoulders.

Put him between your legs,

and ride him!"

What are you...

What are you talking about?

It's a metaphor.

I had a monster up my ass!

This is the furthest thing

from a metaphor!

Listen! if you kill it,

it would be just like

giving yourself a lobotomy.

You would become a zombie.

Not a good idea.

This creature is a physical

manifestation of your dark side.

- What?

- You gotta accept this.

Accept it.

Take it to yourself.

Bond with it.

That's your only way

to control it.

But listen to me,

the most important thing now,

when it returns,

and it will return,

It will try to get

- back inside of you.

- What? What?

- What?

- Yeah.

It will try to get inside of you.

- No. No.

- Of course.

Before it does,

you have to bond with it.

Okay?

All right, let me

get this straight.

- Hmm?

- You want me to bond with it?

And if I do, you're saying

there's a very good chance

that it won't hurt anybody else?

Hopefully.

So now what?

We wait.

Oh, my God.

Oh, God.

Oh... Oh, God.

Oh.

Oh, God.

Oh, wow.

They teach you that

in medical school?

- Sort of.

- Hmm.

So, uh, my turn now?

Oh. I don't do that.

You're being serious?

Yes. But you got my number.

So call me.

All right, Larry.

It's just us out here.

Here we go.

Focus.

Brittany?

Change your mind?

Hello?

Brittany?

Don't be a little b*tch.

Oh, no.

Hayslip! Hayslip.

Hayslip. Wake up.

Wake up. Wake up!

Hey! Hey!

- What?

- There.

- What?

- There. It's back.

W-w-what do you want me to do?

- Go over there.

- No.

No, it belongs to you.

Please, please.

Remember.

Bond with it.

Okay, okay, okay.

Just give me a...

- Shh.

- Time...

Keep your voice down.

Careful. Careful.

If this thing comes at me,

I want you to hit it with a chair.

No, no, it won't attack you.

He's a part of you.

Hey. Hey! boy.

It's bleeding.

I think it might be hurt.

Bond with it.

Hey...

...Milo.

Milo?

- Sarah likes that name.

- I had a much better name.

You scared?

You look scared.

Yeah, I'm scared, too.

Let him back home.

You know, he wants to come home.

Yeah, I-I-I can't.

I can't.

Well, somehow, he slipped

his way out of you.

I'm sure he knows how to

slip into you again.

Don't you think?

It's too f***ing big.

Please don't cuss

in front of him.

Come on, it's too big.

Big, fat babies

come out of tiny vaginae.

Maybe your anus

is just like a vagina.

Come on, Milo.

Come on home.

Door's open.

Okay, come on.

Nails, nails, nails, nails.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Good.

Good.

God!

Duncan, breathe, breathe.

- I'm trying to breathe.

- Good.

It's very difficult.

Don't push. Don't push.

I'm not doing anything.

Let it... Uh-uh.

Yes. Oh.

Wow...

He's up there.

It was beautiful.

Yeah, and humiliating.

You have to learn

one thing now.

To control Milo.

You get stressed out,

Milo comes,

and ruins somebody's day.

Oh, yeah.

Right.

From now on,

you gotta learn to breathe.

Relax.

Now if you feel

an episode coming on,

try some yoga or green tea.

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