Bad News Bears Page #5

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Strike three! You're out!

Ball four! Take your base.

Come on, somebody hit something.

Next batter, Ahmad Abdul Rahim.

Go!

Safe!

Ahmad.

Garo.

Next up for the Bears,

Toby Whitewood.

Toby.

Ball!

Watch this, Hooper.

The catcher's good.

Just good enough to get in trouble.

Strike one!

Run, run, run!

Safe!

Yes!

All right, way to go, guys. Way to go!

Good hustle!

They're playing ball now, man.

They're playing ball.

Ball four! Take your base.

Come on, guys! Let's hold them!

- Number 28, Tyler Cohen.

- Can't win if they don't score.

Way to go, Miguel!

Good catch, buddy!

Way to go!

We need two more, guys. Two more.

Strike three!

Come on, guys! Two out.

We need one more, Amanda.

Shut them down, honey.

Get under it! Get under it!

Throw it! Throw the ball! Hurry!

Safe!

What the hell is wrong

with you, dipshit?

Come on, guys, gather in.

Garo, that was nice hustle

out there today.

And, Jose, "muy bueno," buddy.

Engelberg, you caught a hell

of a game. You all did good today.

Everyone except you,

you booger-eating moron.

Can't you catch one goddamn ball?

- Come on, Tanner.

- Even I could have caught that,

and look at me.

- Can't even move.

- Hey, guys, come on.

- Can't even move.

- Hey, guys, come on.

It's like I told you before,

there's no "I" in team.

- Yeah, but there's an M and an E.

- There should be an F and a U.

Hey, hey. Don't fall apart at the seams

on me now. Come on, guys.

Remember how bad

we sucked two weeks ago?

They smelled that sh*t up in Fresno.

You almost won today.

Hold your heads up high.

Everybody in.

Let's go.

- Ready. One, two, three.

- Bears!

Good hit. That was a good one.

Choke up on your bat.

About that far, okay?

Put it back on your shoulder.

Back here.

There you go, all right?

Excellent. There you go.

Yes, sir. Good cut, honey.

Last pitch, guys!

All right, guys, let's bring it in!

Sister Sledge, that kid's got

an arm on him. Who is that?

That's Kelly Leak.

Yep, he's a real badass.

I heard he spent two years in juvie.

You don't know how old he is,

do you?

He's in our grade,

but he dates an eighth-grader.

Someone told me he got

a teacher pregnant.

I heard he broke some kid's arm

who owed him money.

Why, I heard he broke

both of his arms.

I heard he puts money under

your pillow when you lose a tooth.

- That's the tooth fairy, you homo.

- Actually, he only broke one arm.

The other was just a minor fracture

at the base of the humerus.

Who cares about that crap.

Can he play?

You kidding? You saw that arm.

I don't know, honey.

I'll be fine.

I don't like the looks of the place.

I mean, look at those creeps.

- I'll be fine. I'm cool.

- You sure?

- Yeah.

- You don't want me to go with you?

No, I'm good.

Listen, don't talk to anybody

but what's-his-ass.

I'll be fine.

Amanda?

- Shut up.

- Okay.

I bet I could do what you just did.

It's easy.

- How much?

- I pull it off,

- you come play for the Bears.

- And if you don't?

Whatever you want.

Deal.

- Well, what happened?

- No deal.

No deal?

I thought you said you

were good at this.

I am. He's better.

See you later.

What does that mean?

"I'll see you later"?

I thought you said he was out.

He is. I just lost the bet, and now

I have to go out with him.

You have to go out with him?

You mean out like "out"?

You're 12.

There ain't no out when you're 12.

Calm down, Boilermaker.

It's just a show with some stupid band.

I'm not a little girl anymore.

I had my period, all right.

Do you want me to have

a stroke or something?

Shut up. I'll be fine.

Well, I'm going

to the concert with you.

Whatever.

It's just some dumb skate band.

- What the hell is a skate band?

- You know, a skate band.

The Bloodfarts.

Bloodfarts. The Bloodfarts?

Oh, I'm going with you.

Bet your ass on that.

No doubt. I'm going with you.

Strike three!

Strike three!

Strike three!

- Way to go, Amanda. Good game.

- Pitched a good game, Amanda.

No sh*t. Too bad we couldn't

even score one run.

Well, that's okay. We're doing better.

We tied, guys.

I know a tie's a lot like kissing your

sister, as my old coach used to say.

But the way we've been coming

along, it's more like kissing

a really hot stepsister,

or something like that, you know,

that you don't have

so much tied up in.

But anyway, I think... I'm just saying,

pat yourselves on the back.

Stay focused.

I'll catch up with you guys.

Kelly, how you doing?

- Hey, coach.

- I haven't seen you around.

- What have you been up to?

- Nothing.

Wait. I have seen you around. We

haven't even talked since you pulled

that little Evel Knievel stunt

the other day out there, huh?

What's an "Evel Knievel"?

Don't be a smart-ass. I could have

called the cops on you for that.

- Thanks, I'm real scared.

- No, I'm serious.

Vandalizing public property.

Disturbing the peace.

You're too young to be riding

that thing, you know.

You're just a kid.

Kelly, this field, it's for ball players.

It's not for quitters.

If it was for quitters,

it would be your field. But it's not.

I'd call your dad,

if anybody knew where he was.

- Listen, old man...

- Hey, now, you listen to me.

Nobody wants you around here,

all right?

Do you understand?

Do you think people like

seeing your nuts?

Hey, look who it is.

Yeah, it's the Bears' best player.

Hope you're not getting wet!

Nobody picks on him but me!

Let's go! Come on!

Yeah, that's right.

Run away, b*tches!

Nobody ever stood up for me before.

Yeah? Maybe if you weren't such

a spaz all the time, I wouldn't have to.

All right, guys,

inside corner of the bag.

Hey, guys...

...let's bring it in.

Come on, to the dugout.

- Everybody to the dugout.

- Buttermaker.

- Yeah.

- Remember that time I played sick,

and mom went to work

and then you busted me?

- And then...

- You guys, sit down!

And then we went to Zuma

and went bodysurfing?

- We should do that again.

- Sit down.

- I got something to talk to you about.

- Mr. Buttermaker.

- Mr. Buttermaker.

- What?

I gotta leave early today.

We're doing leather tanning in art club.

All right, guys, listen up.

Okay. Oh, another class.

Great. Okay.

"To Coach Buttermaker

from league headquarters.

Regarding player safety

and league liability.

A reminder that according

to Regulation 236,

all players must wear a comprehensive

genital defense apparatus."

Now, basically, what that translates to

is that if any of you guys get hurt,

they're going to sue my ass so hard,

they're going to garnish my turds.

So wear these things.

Pass them down, sweetie.

Also, you'll wanna

write your names on them,

because that's how you get crabs.

And trust me, you don't want

to spend your Sunday afternoon

picking through your pumpkin patch

with a little comb.

Give me one.

Gotta protect the family jewels.

Who you kidding? When is

the last time you even saw them?

- Does that make any sense?

- Yeah.

Do you speak Latin?

I'm much better at Latin.

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