Bad News Bears Page #4

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...and irresponsible, and a few

other things I could mention.

And I've let you down.

I mean, you know,

I've been an a**hole.

- You know, go ahead and say it...

- You're an a**hole.

When I say, "say it," I mean,

you know, it's a figure of speech.

Baseball's hard, guys.

I mean, it really is.

You can love it, but believe me,

it don't always love you back.

It's kind of like dating

a German chick, you know?

But what I do know is that once you

start quitting, it's a hard thing to stop.

I've quit just about everything

I ever tried in my life.

And as far as I can tell,

my life hasn't added up to

much more than a shitbag

full of empty promises. And I'm

not going to put that on you guys.

I haven't been as good a coach

as I can be. I know I can do it

because I know this game,

you know? And...

And we can do better, and a lot

of that's my responsibility, so...

I know you're down...

...but let's get our stuff together,

and go hit the field.

Okay?

- You with me?

- Like I said, we took a vote.

This is not a democracy!

It is a dictatorship, and I'm Hitler!

You understand me?

So get your stuff,

and get your asses on the field!

This Saturday we play the Athletics.

And you know what

that means for the Athletics?

Bad news for the Athletics,

that's what it means.

All right, guys.

Keep the ball in front of you.

Keep your knees bent, your butt down.

That way if it hops either way...

See? You use your legs. All right?

You wanna run this way.

Catch the ball like that.

Yeah!

Nice!

Swivel on the back foot, throw your

hips, and keep your eye on the ball.

You follow the ball right into here.

You see that? Okay?

Try it, spark plug.

Swing out a little bit

when you run around the base.

You want to point in this direction.

Left foot on the inside of the bag.

You're gonna push off

that left foot.

What's with the patch?

Nothing. Cat scratched me.

But don't tell Buttermaker.

Dying.

Dying.

You know,

there's a Mennonite anecdote

about a simple farm hand

who lifted a calf every morning

until one day

he found himself able

to lift a cow.

- What the hell does that mean?

- If we stay focused,

eventually our strength will build.

That's the dorkiest sh*t I've ever heard.

Come on, guys! Two more laps!

You're dragging ass!

Nice tits, Engelberg.

Jesus.

Buttermaker.

Glad I caught you.

I feel like we got off

on the wrong foot last week.

Said some things we

didn't mean, you know.

Let's forget about it, huh?

Sorry.

All right.

All right...

...you're sorry too, or...?

I said all right. Okay?

- How's that?

- How's what?

You feel that?

Feel what?

You know, your face

is turning a little red, Ray.

So, you know, what it might be

is those gym shorts might be

a little tight for you.

Looks like you're smuggling grapes

down there.

Smells like somebody ate

a fifth of Scotch for lunch again.

Not that it's any of your business,

you know.

- Really?

- But maybe. So...

All right. You know what, you keep

stinking up the ballpark, Buttermaker.

Yeah, okay.

You play your game,

we'll play ours, Ray. How's that?

Well, good luck with that.

The championship game's

gonna be a lot of fun.

It would be more fun

if you guys were there, huh?

Oh, we'll be there, Morris.

Don't worry about that.

Hey, I know all about you.

Minor league junkballer. What did

you have, five seconds in the majors?

May work with the ladies,

but that crap doesn't work out here.

These kids need role models.

And you're not it.

Have a nice night, Ray.

Strike three!

Engelberg,

I got something special for you.

- It's for power hitters.

- Thanks, coach.

Now batting for the Bears,

number 20, Mike Engelberg.

- What the hell is this?

- I don't know.

Buttermaker, what the hell

are you trying to pull?

Hey, it's a league bat, okay?

You're on thin ice, pal.

You try one more stunt like this again,

I'm gonna bounce you

out of the league.

Listen, Kevin, I don't think

it's gonna work out, buddy.

I still get paid though, right?

Well, sure. What do you think I am,

some a**hole?

Here.

"Mombai"? You really went

all out for this one, didn't you?

It's good enough to get your

little ass drunk for a month.

Now, come on, get out of here.

You're creeping the kids out.

Drop dead, a**hole.

And the final score:

Athletics, 9, Bears, nothing.

Good job.

Kiss my ass. Kiss my ass.

B*tch.

Suck it.

What are you smiling at, Henry?

Up the alley, down the street,

who's the toughest team to beat?

Bears! Bears! Yay, Bears!

Hey, come on, guys.

Sit up straight, you look like

a bunch of hound dogs.

You got nothing to be ashamed of.

You got a few hits today.

You played all six innings.

- You ought to be proud of yourselves.

- Proud of what?

These things take time, guys.

- So does heart disease.

- And torture.

And physical therapy.

I did do some simple flowcharting

and data analysis.

And if you graph out our errors

and other parameters,

compared to the last game,

we've actually improved

by a considerable percentage.

Great.

We went from suck to stink.

See, that's the spirit.

We're getting better.

Now, Friday we play the Angels.

Now, what does that mean

for the Angels?

- Bad news for the Angels.

- You're damn right, it does.

Now, come on. Get off your asses,

and let's go get some hot dogs

and some Sunny D or whatever

the hell you guys drink these days.

Just leave me alone

will you, Buttermaker.

I'm too young to have a stalker.

Come on, Amanda,

just a few games, please?

I need to make money.

I need to buy clothes, makeup.

I'm saving up for a car.

You wear makeup?

What happened to

the Barbie oven with the muffin light?

That was like 20 years ago.

I'm all grown up now.

Yeah, you're probably right.

I'm sure your arm

sucks now, anyhow.

God, that is so lame.

Reverse psychology?

You're such a loser.

Man, you must have a big one,

because I don't know what else

my mom saw in you.

You're not supposed to be

talking about my... My one.

You're 12 years old.

As far as you know,

I'm like G.I. Joe down there, okay?

I have the Internet, you know.

I'm not stupid.

Just come play with us, will you?

It'll be fun.

I'll pay for the clothes, okay?

And I'll help you out with the car

when it gets to that time.

- But you know, you just...

- No. Don't you get it? Just no.

All right,

I've been disappointed before.

All right, guys, listen up.

This is Amanda Whurlitzer.

She's your new pitcher.

A girl?

What's next, a cripple?

Oh, I forgot.

Dick.

Hey, ain't you ever heard

of "throws like a girl"?

No, I never heard that.

Get a mitt, fat-ass.

I think I just entered puberty.

Come on, Amanda.

Strike three!

Up next, number 18, Justin Cahill.

He's out!

Now batting for the Angels,

second baseman

- Yanek Goldanueva.

- Hey, Hooper, check this out.

She's gonna come with a changeup,

I can tell.

She's psyching him out.

A changeup is when it looks

like it's gonna be a fastball,

but she takes a little off of it.

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