Bad Santa 2

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1

Christmas, Christmas

Christmas

Well, it's Christmas time,

pretty baby

And the snow is falling on the ground

Christmas, Christmas

Well, it's Christmas time,

pretty baby

And the snow is on the ground

Christmas, Christmas

Well, you be a real good little girl

Santa Claus is back in town

Christmas, Christmas

Got no sleigh with reindeer

No sack on my back

You're gonna see me comin'

In a big black Cadillac

Whoa, it's Christmas time,

pretty baby

And the snow is falling on the ground

Christmas, Christmas

Well, you be a real good little baby

Santa Claus is back in town

Christmas

- What the f***?

Hang up your pretty stockings

And turn off the light

Down yum chimney tonight

Ooh

You think I want this piece of sh*t?

F*** you!

And the snow is falling on the ground

- Well, you be a real good little baby

- Hey, hey, hey!

- Get away!

- F*** you!

Horny drunk!

Christmas, Christmas, Christmas

Christmas, Christmas

Let's just say my whole life

has been one long f***ing

miserable nightmare most of the time.

And pure sh*t on a good day.

Goddamn it.

Yeah, I guess there have been

a few dull bright spots here and there.

F*** it.

Like a piece of ass

who didn't look me in the eye

or wanna show me pictures

of her f***ing vacation.

Or a good drunk

when I didn't choke on my own vomit.

- Ah!

- I even almost had a friend once.

Sure, he was a mouth-breathing,

snot dripping 8-year-old

who couldn't find his fat ass

with both hands,

but he was clueless enough to think

I wasn't the worthless piece of sh*t

everybody else thinks I am.

Including me.

I also found what was the closest thing

I ever had to an actual girlfriend.

She liked the job I had at the time,

especially while I was in uniform.

Sounds like a happy ending, don't it?

But, you see...

you can only puke in somebody's lap

so many times

before the romance takes a sh*t.

And the kid,

he still creeps around every now and then

and I still chase him off.

For his own good.

So you see, happy endings are bullshit.

Actually, there aren't such things

as endings at all,

because when some sh*t gets over with,

some other whole thing starts

that sucks ass.

Merry f***ing Christmas.

Oh, there's no place like home

For the holidays

'Cause no matter

how far away you roam

When you pine for the sunshine

Of a friendly gaze

For the holidays

You can't beat home sweet home

I met a man who fives in Tennessee

And he was headin' for Pennsylvania

And some homemade pumpkin pie

From Pennsylvania folks are trav'ling

Down to Dixie's sunny shore

From Atlantic to Pacific

Gee, the traffic is terrific

Goddamn it.

Oh, there's no place like home

For the holidays

For the holidays

You can't beat home sweet home

Willie?

Willie? It's me, Thurman.

Willie, what are you doing?

Did you get yourself stuck up there?

Okay, I'll go. But this package

came to my house for you, Willie.

There's a lot of money in it.

And a phone.

And a note.

What? Chair!

- Chair?

- Chair!

Chair.

Give me the goddamn chair.

Willie, you fell.

Goddamn. Are you

a complete f***ing retard?

No. The Hungry Hoagies people tested me.

I'm top of the spectrum.

So they made me

a full-time sandwich consultant.

- Well, I'm glad you followed your passion.

- What's that smell?

Is the oven on?

Are you making Hot Pockets?

We do hot sandwiches

at Hungry Hoagies now.

But I always burn my hand

getting them out of oven.

Darlene says I should put butter

on my hand, but that's stupid.

We only put butter on food.

Hand isn't food.

Merry Merry Christmas

Christmas everywhere

Merry Merry Christmas

I know we left on bad terms.

But you gotta understand,

it was only business.

We were partners.

And I broke that sacred bond.

It's not an excuse.

But Lois got all up in my kitchen.

Crazy b*tch had me all turned around

with her magical Laotian p*ssy.

- Don't blame it on the snapper.

- I was p*ssy-blind. I'm ashamed.

You tried to murder me, you little prick.

Remember that?

And not with some

little nubbin-dick gun,

but with adult

man-sized bullets.

- And now I'm hereto make it up to you,

- Why are you even out of the joint anyway?

Some pity case

on account of you're a genetic defect?

You know, they used to

sterilize guys like you.

Keep the world from becoming

some Negro Land of Oz.

Shut the f*** up!

Early release. Overcrowding.

Well, it must've been packed to the gills

if they couldn't cram

your three-foot ass in there.

We got a job, Willie. That two grand

is just to show I'm serious.

Can you still crack a safe?

Or did you get carpal tunnel

from jacking off'?

- I can crack just fine, thanks.

- I'm talking millions this time.

- Where at?

- Chi-Town.

I thought you were all done

with the gooks.

Chicago, you racist moron f***!

I got an associate out there

who has got this thing all lined up.

- What associate?

- I'm not at liberty to disclose just yet.

But they know your work.

And they want to bring us in and put us up

in some fine-ass metropolitan digs

and finance the whole operation.

You're outta your f***ing skull.

What are you gonna do?

Try and kill yourself again?

That's none of your

goddamn business what I do.

Don't let the door hit you in the ass.

Or I won't let it hit me in the ass.

Whatever the f*** it is.

Did you

even score once while I was away?

I'm talking two mil here.

That's a lot of fat-ass b*tches

and whiskey.

F*** you.

Why do you have to go so soon?

We just got back together.

Cut that sh*t out.

We're not back together.

Guess you don't know what today is.

I don't even know

what f***ing year it is, kid.

It's my birthday.

- Today is your f***ing birthday?

- Uh-huh.

I'm 21. Officially a man.

Goddamn. You're 21 already.

That's creepy.

- Are you still gonna pop my cherry?

- Am I gonna what?

No! F*** no!

But you said that when I was 21

that you'd pop my cherry.

I said I'd get it done by somebody else.

Besides that, I'm a f***ing guy.

You didn't turn funny, did you'?

Am I funny?

So you haven't done it with anybody yet.

Not a man or a woman

or an animal or anything.

No, I waited for you.

- But surely, you jerked off or...

- You mean masturbate, don't you?

Well, if you wanna be scientific,

yeah, I guess so.

My friend Ronnie says,

ifs when you play with your wiener

and think about your mother.

I did it once, but it felt weird.

She's in heaven with God,

you know. Watching me.

Okay, so here's how it's gonna go down.

He's already asked me where his cherry is.

So you could tell him

to put his dick in your purse

and he wouldn't know

any f***ing difference.

It's gonna be the easiest 20 bucks

you ever made.

Twenty bucks?

You must be high

on some strong sh*t, Willie.

A hundred. Or I'm gonna carry my ass

outta this old piece of a room right now.

All right.

Fifty, or I'll just go get your mother.

Sixty.

All right.

And nothing up my ass.

You done took all that, Willie.

Okay.

Well, let's get to it.

I gotta pick up my grandson from ballet.

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