Bad Santa 2 Page #2

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- Can I fix you a sandwich?

- No.

- I got your sandwich, baby.

- Willie, I made you a sandwich.

I ain't sticking around.

Just give it to Opal after.

Now, listen, here's how it works.

She's gonna pull her rig off.

And she's gonna get on all fours.

Now, you stand behind her

and drop your rig.

Then, you're gonna see something that

looks like some kind of Japanese food.

It ain't, so don't eat it.

That's the bulls-eye.

Then you just start tugging

on your little soldier.

Wait till he gets to attention,

then poke him in there.

Keep poking it in there till he spits up.

You're gonna need a raincoat.

She'll have one,

so don't worry about that.

As soon as you're done,

run to the bathroom, wash your crotch.

That way, you don't wake up wondering

why you got oatmeal in your carpet.

Breathe through your mouth

so that you don't puke.

Shouldn't be a problem for you.

You got it?

- You got 60 bucks?

- No.

- What you got?

- I have $20.

Keep it down.

I have 20.

- Give it to her after.

- Later, Opal.

- Mm-hmm.

Come on, baby. Come on.

Get a bite of this pumpernickel bread.

Damn it, Willie. Hurry up!

We're gonna miss our train.

You see me walking backwards, a**hole?

I'm coming.

Kid, get over here

and take your pants off.

No!

Ah, f***.

Sleigh bells ring

Are you listening?

In the lane snow is glistening

A beautiful sight

We're happy tonight

Walking in a winter wonderland

Gone away is the bluebird

In his place is a new bird

Here's your ID.

- "Randall Cook"?

- What the f*** wrong with that'?

Randall sounds Irish.

I want something whiter.

I'm Davis, you're Cook.

End of f***ing story.

You got one job this time. Open a safe.

Till then, just keep your drunken

deviant f***ing mouth shut.

You know what you need?

You need some p*ssy.

I'll see if I can find you

a cat somewhere.

Put that sh*t away.

"Giving City Foundation.

Bringing food and shelter

to those in need."

Hold the f***ing phone.

I traveled all the way across the country

to rob a goddamn charity?

Why? You got a problem with that?

Yeah, you damn right

I got a problem with it.

No way these a**holes

have 2 million bucks.

Will you keep it down, man. Moron.

I don't know.

- I see they made you some chairs already.

- F*** you.

He's Cook. I'm Davis.

We're here for the orientation.

Empty your pockets.

Place any metal items in the tray.

What's that?

- Cough medicine.

- Let me see that.

That's a level three contraband.

I'm gonna have to compensate that.

The f*** you are.

All right, big shot.

You can stay out here with your GD flask.

- We'll get it on the way out.

- Gina!

Show these boys to the line-up.

They're late.

Meeting started ten minutes ago.

But I think I can sneak you guys in.

Come on.

- Hey, Diane! I got two more.

- Come on in, fellas.

- Goddamn.

- That's Diane Hastings.

She and her husband run the joint.

So like I was saying,

finish filling out these forms

and you can drop them off

at the front desk, please.

And then, you can go to the common room

and pick up your uniforms.

I bet that p*ssy got lips

like an orangutan.

- Excuse me, Mr...

- Um, Cook. Randall Cook.

- What's up?

- Have you been drinking?

Uh, I don't know. Some vodka...

Because we don't allow alcohol

or drugs of any kind at Giving City.

Why's that?

You may not be aware of this, Mr. Cook,

but we're a charity.

When you walk out those doors,

you're representing us.

- So please try and make us look good.

- Oh, we'll make you look great.

- Promise.

- Yeah.

Mmm.

A hard-on?

You sick f***.

I'm the one that's been in prison

for ten years.

It's just a semi.

Don't get all bent out of shape.

Shut the f*** up.

Ho, ho, ho. What's up, Santas?

Hey, don't forget to remind people,

if they don't have cash,

they can always text in their donation.

Give me some. Yeah.

Hey, Di. ls it the midget

that's fully proportional?

- Or is it the dwarf?

- Regent.

- What?

- You can't say that word.

Hey, I'm gonna be home

late again tonight.

End-of-the-year accounting stuff.

See you, babe.

Thank you

for helping us out again.

Goddamn it.

Sir? This way, please.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it.

Don't be touching me.

- Merry Christmas.

- Yeah, whatever.

Lying little f***.

You didn't tell me I'd have to get

in the f***ing suit again.

I thought it would be a bonus.

And I just wanna remind you of something.

It's Christmas.

A time for forgiveness. For family.

I'm gonna remind you to f*** yourself.

Ronald Davis.

I was told you have a suit to fit me.

Oh, yes. I have it right here.

No. I need a Santa suit.

This is an elf suit.

I'm supposed to be a Santa.

Oh, sorry about the confusion.

That's all we have in your size.

Uh, I do have a gingerbread man costume

in a child's large, if you prefer.

I guess there is a God.

Step right up. Don't be shy.

Shitstick! What's it been?

Fifteen years? Twen...

Well, one thing hasn't changed.

You still hit like your f***ing father.

F***ing associate. No goddamn way.

Not working with that poison b*tch.

Never again.

You tricked me, you little shithole!

You know f***ing well you did.

But I thought your dad

was the one you hated.

I hate him more than anything

in the goddamn world! Except her.

Willie, stop! Willie!

Okay, shitstick, just give me back

the money for the train ticket,

then we're square.

Or you could do your dumbass self a favor,

a! least hear me out before you quit.

Boy, you been selling

your blood for booze?

You look like a f***ing albino scarecrow.

Anyway, still good to see you.

Uh, I can't say I feel the same.

Goddamn, what a sh*t hole.

- You conned me, you little prick.

- F*** you!

Make yourselves at home.

Bedrooms mine.

That sofa folds out,

so you guys can fight over that.

I got chicken feet in the fridge.

- So that's what smells like nut sack.

- Boy, have a beer.

- I even got minis for the midget.

- Don't you ever f***ing call me that.

Hey, listen, little man,

I don't speak politically correct,

so if you got a problem with that,

you take it up with the Lollipop Guild.

Shut the hell up!

Just break it down for him, Sunny.

I'll break it down, all right.

Giving City is a charity

at 98 cents every dollar

goes to this A-hole at the top.

Regent Hastings.

He takes in tens of thousands

in donations,

and he squirrels them away

in an offshore account.

- And how are you supposed to get it?

- You mean, how are we supposed to get it?

These little buckets here,

they're filled with cash,

up to the brim, every day.

And then at night, they store that cash

in the safe in Regent's office.

And that's our target. Right here.

Christmas Eve,

they have a big charity concert.

So while the kids and volunteers

are all singing,

the money's just sitting there,

waiting for an armored transfer.

That's our take window.

Last year, the haul was almost 2 mil.

- And how do you know all this sh*t?

- Because I work there, dumbass.

It's a part of my release from the joint.

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