Bad Santa 2 Page #3

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I've been there 3 months.

Just did a little digging,

a little Googling,

a dry hand job to Isaac

in Accounting. Boom.

The concert's in five days.

Meantime, we wear the suit,

hit the pavement,

we ring the bell,

just like the rest of the volunteers.

All right.

Well, it looks to me like you jackals

already got the whole job figured out.

What do you need me for'?

You can crack a f***ing safe.

Well, I'd like to say

it's because I've missed you, my angel.

But I got a touch of the Parkinson's

and my hearing ain't what it used to be,

so I'm gonna need you on the safe.

Mmm.

And when do you pull your little

Roy Rogers pistol out on me again?

I said I was sorry.

You gotta let that sh*t go, Willie!

No, I think I'll hang on to it.

Oh, Christ.

If I cut ties with every numbnut

who tried to shoot me,

I never would've gotten pregnant with you.

Come on, boy.

Be just like old times.

- Old times?

- Mm-hmm.

You mean a living f***ing nightmare?

Why didn't you say so? I'm in.

You gotta be shitting me.

Good luck with the shakes.

Willie, come on.

Just give it a chance.

What, you don't trust your mother?

Yeah, I trust her

about as far as I can throw you.

And I trust you

about as far as I can throw her.

Come on, Willie, I need this.

And I know your sorry ass does too.

Look at you, man.

Okay, if you want me in on this,

it's you and me against her.

You got it?

She don't get a f***ing nickel

of what's in that safe' Get me?

- We'll out her out after the grab.

- Damn right.

I knew you couldn't stay away.

You always were your mama's boy.

You just pipe down

about the family stuff, okay?

I'm in this for the dough, period.

You get me'?

Well, it's starting to feel

like Christmas.

Spare some change.

Think about somebody

besides your f***ing selves.

We gotta get eyes on that safe.

Need to know the make.

Now you're asking

the right questions, shitstick.

The trash chute's the best way in.

I'm gonna need a hand

getting into position.

Recon. Good. We'll go tonight.

Look at those cheeks!

That's the ugliest f***ing baby

on the planet.

- I guess the abortion didn't take.

Well, bless your heart.

Cheap little f***er.

F***ing dimes? Are you shitting me?

- This ain't no strip joint.

- What a f***ing Sokes family.

This is what happens

when you screw your cousins.

I taught this muskrat everything he knows.

- Well, you don't know sh*t, then, do you?

- Hey, listen, before we had midget...

Excuse me... little people, we had Willie.

He was my original elf.

Remember those times, Willie?

- There ain't enough booze to forget it.

Well, he'd get panic attacks.

It was embarrassing.

I had to make him stay outside

when I was turning a trick or bowling.

Wait a f***ing minute,

you were embarrassed?

Isn't that kind of like the pot

calling the other cot a f*** kettle,

- or whatever it was?

- What the f*** you say?

He's home-schooled.

I need a refill.

- And another f***ing corner.

- Stop it, Willie.

What? We're gonna steal this sh*t

any f***ing way. Who cares?

But if we get fired,

we got no access to the building.

And if we got no access to the building,

we got no access to the safe.

And if we got no access to the safe,

there's no reason for me to be standing

out here, freezing my f***ing nuts off.

You mean your nuts

haven't been scraped off

because they're so low

to the ground already?

You know every time you're passed out,

I lay them on your forehead

and take a picture of it.

I got a whole Instagram of that sh*t

of me tea-bagging you.

Four thousand followers and counting,

motherf***er. Ha-ha!

Well, knock yourselves out.

I'm getting the f*** out of here.

Aw, come on,

we're having family time here.

He's always been too goddamn soft.

Probably because he was born early.

Hell, I didn't even know

I'd given birth until I tripped over him.

- Hello.

- Hi, Willie.

Kid, how'd you get my number?

The cherry pop lady

gave if to me.

Oh, Jesus.

I cleaned your apartment, Willie.

And I fed your insects.

They're getting really big.

Do you want me to get you

a Christmas tree ?

- What? Why would I want a tree?

- So we can spend Christmas together.

I'm in f***ing Chicago, kid.

So you're not coming back for Christmas?

- No, I'm not coming home for Christmas.

- Chicago's in the Midwest, Willie.

They have Hungry Hoagies there too.

Well, good.

I'll tell them you said hello, okay?

Except I don't know anyone

at that Hungry Hoagies.

All right, listen, you gotta quit

f***ing calling me, okay?

- You're burning my minutes.

- But what if it's an emergency?

Fine! If it's an emergency,

call me, all right?

Otherwise, leave me the f*** alone, okay?

Okay. I'll only call if it's an emergency.

Bye.

It's the most wonderful time

of the year

Okay, feed the kids.

Come on. Give it up.

You've seen them babies with beer bellies.

Ho, ho! Come on, you got Jesus

and the lambikin's watching over you,

checking their list twice.

Here you go, lady,

how about a little money?

You know what,

you'd better hope the orphans don't riot.

They'll eat your fat ass

right off the bat.

You know, a lot of these kids

don't got any arms and legs and sh*t.

You're lucky. See, ma'am?

Yours got all their parts.

- There you go.

- There you go. Thank you. See you later.

- Damn. Mama ain't bad.

- Whoa!

Whoa-ho-ho! My spot.

You are standing on my spot.

Really? That's funny, I don't see

your f***ing name on it anywhere.

Well, in fairness,

I did leave it unattended,

but that's only because

I had to run off to the little boys' room.

What are you,

a f***ing game show host or something?

- Dial it back a notch.

- But now I am back.

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

'Tis the season of giving!

And if you don't have cash,

you can always text XMAS 999...

Bullshit. No f***ing way.

F***ing cash only.

- Ten dollars or more.

- Okay.

Hundreds are better. What?

I am going to have to ask you

to watch your language

when you're representing the suit.

And I'm going to have to ask you

to suck my f***ing dick.

I'm warning you.

Nothing and no one is getting in the way

of me spreading my joy!

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

You know what,

I think you're some kind of pervert

and you're afraid I'm muscling in

on your f***ing fondle territory.

- That's what I think.

- I see what's going on here. Yes, I see.

- You are hurting inside.

- Ls that right?

And there's only one thing

that can change that.

- Yeah? What's that?

- A hug.

- Are you out of your goddamn mind?

- A hug from Santa!

No, I don't need

no f***ing hug from Santa.

- Let go of me, motherf***er.

- Melt all that stress away!

Would you cool it, pal?

You're scaring all the kids away.

You know what I mean?

You are a f***ing pedophile!

- Let go of me.

- Aw!

"- F***!

- Ooh!

- F***ing a**hole!

F***ing sh*t.

F***ing a**hole.

This guy's a pedophiliac, here,

and he's after all your kids.

You better get out of here.

You f***ing perverted f***ing a**hole!

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