Bad Santa 2 Page #4

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What the f***?

Hang on a second.

He's the f***ing kid diddler, not me.

I'm a hero!

- Sure you won't die up there?

- I've done smaller spaces, trust me.

Well, if you don't make it, son,

I got a cigar box, make a nice casket.

Who you calling "son"?

Well, I'm proud to say that my p*ssy

is color-blind, so you never know.

."Oh!

Whoa! You go, little sperm.

Get up in there.

Well, you don't see

something like that every day.

Ow! Bottles! Recycle that sh*t!

Oh! What the f*** is than Oh, sh*t! No!

Hey.

I always wanted to f*** me a Santa.

Well, I always wanted to sh*t

on a tattooed dick

so we're perfect for each other.

- Cook, let's go.

- See you in my dreams, chief.

Thank you.

You're not the first volunteer

to go off the rails.

Lucky for you, Giving City

has a high standing in the community,

so you won't get charged.

You can turn in your suit

when you clean yourself up.

Now, hang on a second. You're firing me?

I rooted out a pervert.

You should be throwing me

a f***ing parade.

And we're very grateful.

But you reek of whiskey.

You know the rules

and you're flouting them.

Flouting?

I never sucked jizz out of nobody's ass.

I mean, with a straw.

I believe that's felching.

Not that I would know.

Uh, happy holidays, Mr. Cook.

Consider your freedom a gift from me.

Well, hang on a second. Hang on!

I only had one drink.

And that was just to keep warm out there.

I'm freezing my nuts off.

And if we're being honest here,

you, you guys should be supplying us

with some kind of electric underwear

or some sh*t.

Oh, well, if we're being honest,

I don't like being lied to.

- Please. I need this.

- Why do you care so much?

Why do I care? Why do I care.

I'll tell you why I care.

Because the world's a f***ing sh*t hole.

But when I put this suit on,

I feel like...

Well, I feel like General MacArthur

must have fell when he put his uniform on

and went and killed all them Filipinos.

Look, I, I put up with

a lot of sh*t from kids...

For the kids.

I won'! piss on the suit. I really won't.

I mean, give a broke-dick

motherf***er a chance, will you?

Fine. I'll give you a second chance.

If you give me a chance to help you.

All right.

How we looking, Alice?

Well, according to this report,

Giving City's gonna lose

a record amount of money this year.

Ugh, every time you say that,

my dick gets so hard.

- Okay.

- Hey, why don't we just do it right now.

- Come on.

- No.

I'll up your commission

to five percent.

Make it ten, and I'll let you do

that thing with my shoe.

Both shoes. And you have to watch.

Deal.

- You can't smoke here, sir.

- So call the f***ing law.

And while they're rolling

their fat asses down here,

I'll be smoking like an old Buick,

all right?

Arrested? Christ! William.

- Not arrested. I was detained.

- Yeah. Shot of gin.

What were you thinking?

You could have f***ed this whole thing up.

- I handled it.

- Mmm.

Told her I'd go to an AA meeting with her.

Don't buy their sh*t, William.

No such thing as an alcoholic.

Just a sign of a weak liver.

I said I f***ing handled it.

What are you, deaf?

Well, you talk like you have a cock

in your mouth, shitstick.

Hey, you know why we call him "shitstick"?

Because even when he was a baby,

he tried to butt-f*** everything.

- Goddamn it.

- Stuffed monkey, neighbor's dog.

I'm telling you,

if it had a butt, he'd try to f*** it.

He's with his little nub, going.

Anyway, I think you ought to be working

the sexual angle with her,

because I know for a fact

that that husband isn't getting it done.

That guy never rocked a clit in his life.

And that is one piece of motherly advice

I hope you took to heart.

You motorboat that O-button

till she's speaking in tongues.

- You know what "son" means, right?

- When did you turn into such a p*ssy?

- Don't worry, I'm fine.

- I'm not worried.

I just don't want you hacking up

your lung in my drink, okay?

Not a chance.

Nah, this chassis' built to last.

You know,

I smoked two packs of menthols a day,

washed it down with a liter of this gin...

And I could still fill that shot glass

with this man's jizz.

- I said I don't give a sh*t, okay?

- Fine. I get it. You're mad at me.

You think I was really ready

to be a mom at 13?

Huh? We were gonna wait

at least another year.

I mean, the one time

your son of a b*tch father

didn't put it in my ass,

I had to go and get pregnant.

- Sh*t happens.

- That's f***ing beautiful.

Look, I'm not gonna pretend

I was a perfect mother.

Yeah, no sh*t.

You made me take the fall for you

when I was 11.

Well, there's no sense in us

both going down.

Besides, it made a man of you.

You are who you are because of me.

No, I'm not anything like you.

Yeah?

Well, you keep telling yourself that.

Now where's your f***ing midget?

It's getting late.

Pop that p*ssy

Hey, pop that p*ssy, baby

What" What is that?

Sh*t!

What, do you have

a speaker up there?

Dorfman, get up here.

You sure it was a phone ring?

Might have just been the fan turning over.

Well, Dorfman, last time I checked,

fans don't "Pop That P*ssy."

No, I suppose they don't.

No, I think Diane hired someone

to spy on me.

- Diane? That doesn't sound like her.

- I want you to watch her.

Anything unusual, I wanna know about it.

And cover the whole building.

I'm talking microphones,

cameras, everything.

Copy. Ladies' room

is already taken care of.

He's f***ing Alice.

Go figure.

- Why the f*** would you call me?

Well, you're the genius

who left your ringer on.

Because you the only two people I know.

Why would you call?

- What's she doing

with that shoe? Oh, God!

He heard a noise in the f***ing vent.

What's the big deal'?

He heard "Pop That P*ssy" in the vent,

and that is a big f***ing deal.

Think she knows?

- Who?

- You know, the redheaded gal, Diane.

That her husband's

fooling around with the help?

I'm saying, do you think she knows

that her f***ing husband

is ripping off the goddamn charity?

Who gives a sh*t?

As long as she doesn't get in the way.

- Can you crack the safe?

- Of course I can crack the f***ing safe.

Probably take me about three minutes.

Three and a half tops.

Well, you shave a minute off that,

you may be good for something.

- What about the alarm system?

- It's a Centaur 2100.

We power it down,

we have ten minutes before it reboots.

But I'm gonna need a key

to the electrical room to access it.

- It's the only way in.

- Ah, sh*t, how are we gonna get that?

Don't even

think about it, Willie.

That big b*tch is mine.

He should show you some respect.

- You're the talent, not him.

- Hey, Randall!

Mind giving me a hand over here?

I've gotta get this stuff

to the auditorium.

He'd love to, darling.

Strong, strapping man like him.

Clitoris, son. Do it for Mama.

Thanks, Sunny.

She's so sweet. I wish I had

a hundred volunteers like her.

Oh, yeah, she's something.

I'm sure they only made one of her.

How you doing, beautiful?

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