Bad Sugar Page #2

And Neil's.

And even though Neil won't be there,

his head will.

Oh!

It's not quite finished.

It's meant to be what Neil would

look like now, if I hadn't...

killed him.

Oh! Lovely!

I mean, it does look...

- quite a lot like Colin Firth.

- Yes!

We don't know what Neil

would look like,

and I like Colin Firth.

I said to the sculptor,

"Why not throw some

Colin Firth in there?!"

Or maybe he would look like

Colin Firth.

Exactly. Maybe he would.

We're going to officially

unveil it on Thursday.

It'll just be us and some wonderful

people from a poisoned boys charity.

I support poisoned boys charities

now a lot.

Oh... poisoned boys are sad,

aren't they?

You know, I think

you should play on Thursday.

For Neil.

No, Daphne's explained. I can't.

If I ever play again,

everybody would laugh.

Do you really think I could?

That's lovely!

Joan... and it'll be

even better by Thursday.

She'll need longer than that!

I don't want to play

if Daphne doesn't like it.

Because Daphne gets

terrible headaches,

and if they get really bad,

she might die.

Joan, your make-up

is embarrassing you again.

Go to the bathroom to fix it.

Oh, dear. Sorry. Thank you, Daphne.

Only a real b*tch

would encourage Joan

to make a fool of herself

in public.

Well, b*tch is as b*tch does.

Revenge is a b*tch best served cold.

Too many b*tches spoils the broth.

A b*tch in time saves nine.

B*tches in glass houses

shouldn't throw b*tches.

B*tch!

Honey, darling?

How much lithium do you have

left in your lithium jar?

Because you're going to

need all of it.

Rolph just saw your father

and Rodrigo in the chapel.

They were going

into the confession booth.

And apparently,

he had a copy of a will.

A new will.

A new will?

I'm sure it's nothing to worry about.

He's probably just bored

of the old will.

"My boring, boring will! Yawn!"

Lucy, would you like to

come to my room?

Thank you, Daphne. How kind!

But what about...?

Oh, don't worry about him.

He never does anything in there

but weep.

Oh... poor Greg.

It's actually my bed.

Oh?

I sleep with my legs up.

It... keeps my face young.

I'm so sorry about earlier. I...

I wasn't very friendly!

I suppose I'm just jealous because

you're... you're so beautiful.

Oh, now you're joking!

You're the beautiful one.

Oh, no. You're lovely.

I'm just an old sack.

Oh, no, I'm an old sack.

You're too perfect.

Your hair...

it's like there's a wonderful

machine inside your head,

pumping out luxuriant, glossy hairs.

Mine? It's like sticks!

Do sit. Let me brush yours.

Gosh, it's easy to see what made

Rolph fall in love with you.

All the other dancers were married

to semi-professional footballers

and Syrian police guys.

I guess I was the last on the shelf!

I always said

Rolph needed a wife

with a good sense of humour!

I did have a very long thing

with a friend of

Gareth Southgate's brother's agent.

But he wasn't a good guy.

He took all my savings to Latvia.

I was planning a small troupe where

we took dancers to rural areas

to solve things and that.

Oh, how wonderful.

Well, you know, maybe you can

start your dance troupe here.

I mean, Rolph loves dancers

and dancing.

Daphne, do you think

it might be friendly

to talk to Rodrigo

about the will?

Yes, I think that would be

a good idea.

Let's have a lovely, girly brunch

at, say, 10.35am,

and we can talk tactics

and croissants.

Mummy, I'm scared.

Don't be silly, you're not.

There's nothing to be scared about,

so you can't be scared, can you?

Tell Teddy all about it.

Goodnight, dear.

Oh, lovely!

Yes. Tell Teddy.

Teddy might be interested.

So... Rolph.

The wait's over.

You're finally going to get it.

Although... I was just thinking,

crazy idea, but do you think

maybe we should actually

wait a little bit longer?

Rolph, I already made you

wait a month.

You must be ready to pop.

The longer you wait,

the more romantic it is.

That's how romance works.

It's our wedding night.

I don't think I'll ever feel

more romantic than this.

How do you know, until you try?

By tomorrow,

you might feel twice as romantic!

Or half!

I admit, it's a gamble.

But you've got to throw the dice.

Rolph?

Rolph, why aren't you...?

It's all soft and tiny!

Oh, I'm sorry!

It's just... I never realised that

getting married would be so tiring.

I'm going to turn you on, Rolph.

Whether you like it or not!

Oh, I like it!

I love it!

I'm going to do things to you

that'll drive you wild!

But first, I'm going to sort

out my Adobe Flash,

because the updates on this baby

are making me so I can't concentrate

on anything!

Look... Rolph!

Are you a fruit?

What?!

What on hell on earth

are you talking about?!

You need to talk to someone.

Maybe a Christian with a machine

might be able to sort you out.

Yeah, right, OK!

I'll show you how gay I am!

Get on that bed right now,

you hot little b*tch!

And open the drawer

and put on the Matt Damon mask!

Don't you think wanting me

to wear a Matt Damon mask

might just be a little bit gay?

Are you crazy?! Of course not!

I just happen to think that

he's a really talented actor,

and that makes me hard!

Look, honey, I'm no poof, OK?

Maybe if we're having problems

in the bedroom,

it's that you're just not hot enough.

Hello?!

Maybe if you were

just a little bit hotter,

I might not be quite so "gay."

Rolph?

What?!

I just like their abs!

It's fitness tips!

And fitness tips make me hard!

Fitness tips, great abs and

award-winning acting make me hard,

and if you can't handle that,

you can eff off!

So did you have a good wedding night,

lovely Lucy?

Yeah!

Yeah, satisfied, that's me,

one satisfied customer.

Yes, I remember

my wedding night with Greg

before what happened

with his abilities.

I won't go into the gory details,

but let's just say,

I couldn't walk for days.

You seem to be walking all right.

Well...

I'm trying.

Right.

Are you ready for this?

Let's do it!

Father!

Art thou busy? I was wondering

if I could have a word.

Of course, Lucy.

God's ears are always open.

Goodness,

is it hot in here or is it just me?

The temperature is at 21 degrees,

as the Vatican suggests.

I've a question,

but I feel ashamed to ask, Papa,

I feel as if I'm naked before you.

Maybe we should discuss

this another time.

It's regarding the physical side of

a relationship between a man and a

woman,

and whether during those times,

if it's all right when a man is...

Excuse me, Papa, but...

When a man is hard.

And a woman is...

Throbbing...

To use words like...

I cannot say.

Perhaps you shouldn't.

Words like...

Oh.

And jam your...

Uh-huh.

Into my tiny...

Ooof.

The-the-these are mere words so...

Does my finger feel hot, father?

Does it?

I feel as if I'm burning up.

If God made me, then can't I adore

myself with my fingers, father?

So sorry to interrupt.

Nothing to interrupt.

No. You were talking about adoring

with fingers, I heard you.

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