Bad Sugar Page #3

But... No adoring.

Her, with her fingers.

Yes, Rodrigo, I didn't get all

the disgusting details, I'm sorry.

Look, Daphne...

Did Daddy tell you about the will?

I cannot speak to

you of this matter.

I'm sure you'd like to stay dumb,

dumbo,

but if you do, I might blab about

what you and Lucy are doing in here.

We were talking!

Do you like dancing, Father?

Well, everyone likes dancing.

I feel like dancing,

do you feel like dancing, Lucy?

Nude?

No, no!

Please, ladies, leave now.

We can dance or not dance, but even

if you say no, we'll still do it.

Nude.

Ladies, please, I've taken vows.

You wouldn't be breaking your vows

if you were forced. Two against one.

We could put something up you,

if it would make it more convincing.

I'm married to God!

Tell us what's in the will, Rodrigo,

or we're going to give you

what you want.

Please... please.

Remind me, Rodrigo, did I remember

to put on any panties this morning?

No.

No, you didn't, Lucy.

Oh, thank you.

Please stop your dances,

for the love of God!

What's in the new will, Rodrigo?

Your father is changing

his will for Maria the nurse.

If you're scared of a bee,

just think it's a woodlouse with

an overcoat and fairy wings,

and that's a nice way to

think of a bee.

So... the news is, Joan, that...

Your dad's changed his will to

leave everything to Maria.

That's interesting. Oh, well, all

for the best cos everyone's nice.

Look, Joan,

because you're very sweet,

as everyone is always telling me

and I always agree,

you may not realise, but if Daddy

dies, Maria gets all the money,

then all your bees, all your animals,

they're going to die, Joan.

How? From no food.

Or be shot by Maria.

Maria is threatened by

everything, Joan,

even animals getting more

attention than her.

If Daddy's out and he looks at a cow,

how come it's mysteriously

dead the next day?

Because it... isn't.

But if it was, Joan,

if it always was?

Well, I suppose if it was...

You're too sweet, Joan.

You don't see all the filth

everywhere.

What are we going to do?

Well, Lucy and I have had a talk

and we've come up with

a really nice idea,

which is to get Simon to help us.

Oh, that sounds nice!

Um, we think someone might need to

seduce Simon to...

Help us with our plan.

I'll do it!

No need to jump in, Joan,

you look quite the little slut.

I didn't mean...

If we have to seduce him,

I don't want to but I could do.

Really? OK because if you

don't want to... I can.

Oh, well, right, thanks,

Lucy but... I-I don't want to but...

I actually don't mind that much.

No? Because I don't mind at all.

That's very generous, Lucy.

You two have been

so generous with me.

You have a man-stallion

to keep happy.

Not really. Hah! Yeah. Sure, but...

I won't hear of it so soon

after your wedding.

No, that's right,

you should rest. I'll do it.

If we have to do it, I'll just

grit my teeth and close my eyes.

Oh, dear, you two.

No, no, Joan,

you obviously don't want to,

and, Lucy, you can't so I suppose

little old I will just have to do it.

All right?

Thank you, Daphne.

Thank you very much, Daphne.

Hello, Simon.

Oh, my God! Oh, my sweet Lord!

Some of the words you said were

quite rude, Daphne.

Oh dear. Oh dear, Simon.

What? What is it?

Oh, this is bad.

This is really bad.

Is it? But you said it was

so bleeping bleeping good.

What we did, what you just made me

do, it's really bad, Simon,

because I'm married.

But I said that

and you said it didn't matter.

You sort of made me do it.

Well, no. You sort of made me.

You sat on me and I couldn't get up.

Look, we can argue all day about what

did or didn't happen, Simon,

but when Greg finds out he's going to

be really, really angry.

But how is he going to find out?

Because I have to tell him.

Have you?

Yes, Simon, I'm his wife, I have to

tell him the truth, it's the law!

Oh.

Look, I'm no monster,

I know you'd like me

to be chained up as your sex-doll

but it's never going to happen.

But you said I were going to be

chained up, and you were

going to build a house on my hips so

you could live sitting on my nubbin.

Look, Simon, Greg is going to find

out one way or another,

and then he's probably going to come

and try and shoot you.

That's just what is going to happen.

If you try to stop him,

you won't be able to

unless you try and shoot him

back or something.

But if you do that, you will be

hung by the neck until dead.

Either way, you are definitely

going to die at the moment.

Oh, Daphne. Oh, God!

Yeah. It's looking bad for you,

Simon. It's looking really bad.

Unless... No.

Or could it?

No.

What?

Shh! I'm thinking.

Maybe there is a way you can

make this OK.

How?

By telling Ralphfred that Maria has

been doing terrible things to you,

and having sex with you.

How would that help?

It's complicated, but it would.

Then I wouldn't have to tell

Greg for a very complicated,

serious reason that I can't tell you.

But I like Maria.

I do too.

But there's something you need to

know about her, Simon.

Maria used to lock me up in a

cupboard

and make me dress up and dance

like a little monkey.

What made is worse is I...

I kinda liked it. Not any more. Not

since the doctor been treating me.

She's evil, Simon, she's pure evil,

and she's got to go.

My phone's died, I think you gave me

the wrong charger,

and now the van's gone funny.

Bloke gave me

a milk bottle full of petrol

but I think there was milk

in it cos it's all gummed up now.

Mum, look, I'll call you

when everything's sorted. OK?

I only want to see my beautiful

daughter.

And I ran out of ciggies.

What was it like?

It was amazing. I'm sorry there

wasn't room on the guest list

but Lewis Hamilton was there.

Has the dad, you know...

sadly, yet?

No! Look, yeah, look.

I'll meet you in the pub.

There's a tenner for a charger

and some ciggies.

And oh, look, there's a choccy to

remind you of the wedding.

It's got a picture of Ralph

in nougat.

Oh, he looks nice in nougat.

He looks even hotter not in nougat.

I'll text you.

I'm going to take you, Lipton.

I'm taking you.

I'm taking you down.

I've got you. I've got you now.

Rolph's got you, Lipton.

Rolph's got you.

Well, can they not be sewn back on?

Look, just pack the loose arms

in ice, like sea-bream,

and get those poor bastards

to hospital.

My God, Simon, some

of the heartless beasts I work with.

Mining didn't used to be like this.

Things change, sir.

They do indeed, Simon.

They do indeed.

My God, you're right.

"Changes happens to..."

How did you put it?

Things change, sir.

Ah, yeah.

"Things change."

So what did you want to see me about?

It's the matter that I...

I've been having sexual relations

a lot with Miss Maria, sir.

My Maria?

What do you mean... You've known her?

Yes, sir. And I've done her.

Loads.

W-w-why? W-w-why, Simon?

I mean, I-I love her.

And I love you and...

Why, man?

Maria does terrible things to me,

sir.

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