Bad Words Page #2

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Fellatio, fellatio.

Is that derived from the Latin

fellare, meaning "to suck"?

Little man,

the woman I'm sitting next to

knows her way around

that subject real well,

so why don't you ask her when she

gets back from droppin' her deuce?

Meanwhile, if you don't point

that curry hole that way

and sit your f***in'

ass down in that seat,

I'm gonna tell the captain

that your bag's ticking.

Then you'll have a situation.

Good night.

(CHUCKLES)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Have a seat.

I'm Bernice Deagan, director of

the Golden Quill

National Spelling Bee.

Struthious.

What did she say?

S-T-R-U-T-H-I-O-U-S.

Struthious.

That was my winning word. Oh.

1973, national champion.

Just thought you should know

that in case you didn't already.

No, I didn't.

Did you know that?

No, I didn't.

Guy, I don't like you.

Look...

Quiet.

You know, when I

was a little girl,

I was always

picked last in P.E.

I hated sports. That's

what probably thankfully

thrusted me into

the welcoming bosom

of the spelling bee,

of which lam the director.

Have been for over 20 years now.

How did I accomplish that?

Elbow grease? Yes.

Hard work? Maybe.

Integrity? Oh, you betcha.

But what I didn't do is use slimy

gimmicks, as you have done.

Well, you don't know me and

you don't know why I'm here.

Would you like to tell me?

No, thank you.

Do you know why he's here?

Oh, I have been

trying for weeks.

All right. Well, whatever issue

it is you're hereto workout,

perhaps a painful

5th grade spelling bee or...

It's not that.

Not asking.

I'm simply telling you

you're in the wrong place.

No, this is the spot.

I'm gonna be out of your

hair in three days, though.

(CHUCKLES) Perhaps sooner.

Because however smart

you think you are,

with this loophole

you're snaking through,

I'll bet you're not half as smart

as even our worst speller.

So B-R-A-V-O, Mr. Trilby.

You've made it.

That one I know.

That's "bravo."

All the way to your own hanging.

Okay.

Your noose. Enjoy.

Can I ask you a question?

On your wife's birthday,

does she get to

wear the strap-on,

or do you hog that thing 365?

That's yours, right? You hold onto that.

Good day.

You don't share that with anybody.

Yeah. Good day.

I thank you very much.

You can thank Dr. Bowman.

He was very

disappointed he couldn't

personally place that

around your throat.

Yeah? Is he busy

doing somethin' else

more pleasurable with

another guy's throat?

He is in the middle of a very

important media training session.

Surely you're aware

that your little stunt

has landed on the

very first year

we're televising

this tournament?

Hang on.

That is a coincidence.

It doesn't bother you

that a few million people

will witness your embarrassment?

I'm not gonna be

the one with the red face.

Trust me.

Not here for that.

Okay.

See you later.

Oh!

And I personally arranged

your hotel accommodations.

I'll bet they're not awesome.

They're not.

Nice meeting you.

GUY:
I had plenty of opportunities

to stop what I was doing.

To make a good decision.

But that would have required the kind

of lessons that I was never taught.

Oh, there's an ice cream

social at 5:
30 p.m.

You gonna be there?

Okay. No. Well, I could

be pretty late to that.

Really late?

Super late.

Meet me there, though.

Here's your key, Mr.

Trilby. Thank you.

And, ma'am, I'll be

right back with yours.

Oh, bummer.

See you.

CHAITANYA:
Hold the door!

(PUFFING)

(GRUNTS)

Whew!

Hey, we're both on two.

Did you remember

your winning word?

I'm Chaitanya, remember?

I can't do it again, Shawarma.

Chaitanya.

How about just

your favorite word?

I'm serious, pal.

You don't have one?

I don't. No. Sorry.

Mine is "subjugate." it just

sounds so cool, you know?

Subjugate. Subjugate.

(SIGHS)

Subjugate.

What's yours?

Can it be "Shut the f*** up"?

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

Well, that's four words.

A sentence, really.

Pretend you're on

a desert island,

and this gorilla

comes out of the jungle

and holds a gun to

your head and says,

"Hoo! Hoo! Tell me what

your favorite word is!"

What would you say?

Sweet f***. You've got

a gorilla with a gun?

Yeah, a gorilla with a gun.

And he's on a desert island?

He's standing right there!

Here's what I'd do. I'd kick

some sand in the monkey's face,

I'd take his gun and hunt you

down, I'd stick it in your mouth,

and I'd tell you to stop trying

to get all up in

my kitchen, kid!

Again, that's a sentence.

We can finish that later'

Bye-bye.

(LIGHT BUZZING LOUDLY)

Come on.

Unfortunately, the hotel

is completely sold out.

I don't have a bathroom.

Yeah.

Where would the hotel like

me to put my piss and sh*t?

(MAN TALKING ON TV)

Bartender?

Yes, ma'am.

Do you know how to make

an Old Fashioned?

Sure.

Actually, make that two.

No mini-bar, huh?

They've got me in

a storage closet.

I think the queen bee

is sending you a message.

Whatever.

God.

Look at all

the parents around here.

(CHUCKLES)

Like bursting at

the seams with parents.

Here you go.

Where are your parents?

Thank you.

Jenny, come on. I just want to

have a drink in peace. Okay?

And can I give you a little

journalistic advice?

Don't try so hard.

Okay, I'm gonna talk.

We're here three days.

It's difficult to talk

when you're being smothered.

You're like an insolent child

hiding secrets from his mommy.

Really? You're not half the

broad my mother was. Or is.

Cheers.

A seat opened up.

I don't want to talk and

I don't want the drink.

I'm dead serious. Either

you leave or I'm going to.

Or you could stay. I could

; you yet another dinner.

No.

We could expand on this three measly

answers you've given me thus far.

You know too much already.

Do I? Let's see here.

Hold on a second.

Okay. Wild Turkey,

olive green and 32-A.

Favorite drink, color and breast

size are first date questions.

But maybe you've never

been on one of those.

Can you leave me alone? I've asked

you four or five times now.

Why don't you tell me why

you're so angry at the world'?

Just... Come on.

Go ahead. Screw. Please?

Screw?

Screw.

Take off. Hit it.

Did you just tire of

the words "f*** off?"

Because I know you're not suggesting

that I let you f*** me again.

(CHUCKLES)

First of all, you're welcome.

Umm. If you'd like

me to consider

another, uh, event with you,

you can ask me nicely.

And secondly, "f***

off works just great",

if that's what you prefer.

Does that sound better to you'?

Or does "screw"

sound pretty nice?

JENNY:
Oh, yeah.

(BED BANGING)

Yeah. Yeah.

(MOANING)

Yeah. Don't look at me.

What?

Don't look at me.

Okay.

Ooh, yeah! Yeah!

Do not look at me.

Okay.

Do not look at me.

You're f***in'

staring at me, you know.

It's kind of creepy.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

On, yup! Yup!

Yup! Yup! Yup!

Don't look at me! Don't look at me!

Don't look at me.

Now I have to start again.

I'm sorry. Lost it. Lost it.

I understand. Okay, okay.

So we could be here all night.

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