Bad Words Page #8

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Parisology.

P-A-R-I-S-O-

L-O-G-

I-E.

(CROWD MURMURING)

(DINGS)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

PETE:
Goodness me, what a

dramatic turn of events here.

Yes. Yes, indeed.

Ladies and gentlemen,

thank you, quiet.

The rules dictate...

Thank you. Quiet, please.

The rules dictate that because

he's one of the final two,

he remains onstage

until his opponent

correctly spells the next word.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

I'm finished here. You take it.

It's all yours.

PROCTOR:
Contestant 157.

(AUDIENCE SHOUTING

ENCOURAGEMENTS)

Mr. Chopra,

you are one word away

from being the new

Golden Quill champion.

Infinitesimally.

Infinitesimally.

Can I have the definition?

PROCTOR:
Yes.

"Exceedingly small."

infinitesimally.

I-N-F-I-N-I-T-E-S-I-M-A-L-

Y-

(AUDIENCE GASPING)

No, no. Hey.

(DINGS)

Oh, my.

I can't believe it.

Not again.

What happened?

What are you doing?

If you think everything

I said was a lie,

then I'll prove that it wasn't.

Ifs not about

winning to me anymore.

It's about my friend. Buddy, I

don't give a sh*t about that.

And I don't care about that

either, with all due respect.

Very nice of you, very sweet.

But I'm not here for that.

I'm not here for a f***in' trophy

or a check, or these idiots.

I hurt your feelings. And I

wasn't a good friend. I'm sorry.

We're good.

Okay, next?

Rugose.

R-U-G-O-S. Ding it.

(BELL tunes)

I'm finished! Let's go!

You're wasting my

f***ing time. Come on.

PROCTOR:
Pejorative.

P-E-J-O-R-A-T-E-V-E.

Pejorative.

PETE:
It seems as though they're

misspelling the words on purpose.

Will you just spell

the f***ing words?

That's all you've gotta do and

you've got the tournament.

Same with you.

Chai-latte, get your sh*t

together, you dumb dick!

F*** you, Guy!

(AUDIENCE GASPS)

GUY:
Nice. Great.

Dad, you've got

a real prince here.

Yeah, he's a liar

and he's swearing now.

It's a good combo.

It's sweet.

One more word, please?

I did not lie! Got it?

I say that you did!

Got it?

(GRUNTS)

(GASPING)

Okay. This has

turned ugly.

You can add violent to the list.

Your boy Gandhi

would be real proud.

And by the way, I was born

in Cleveland, Ohio!

(ALL GASPING)

(BEEPING)

(MUSAK PLAYING)

WOMAN:
share your voice.

We share your mind.

We show you extraordinary

programs with extraordinary...

(BEEPING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

WOMAN:
for 200 million...

PETE:
I realty don? know

what in say, America.

Dr. Bowman is conferring

with the judges...

addressing the audience.

Okay. I'll figure it out.

Watch your step.

Ladies and gentlemen,

boys and girls,

those of you at

home and in attendance,

I would like to extend

my deepest apologies

for what has devolved

into an embarrassment,

this year's competition.

The Golden Quill

has always enjoyed

an immaculate reputation

of respectful, challenging

and dignified behavior.

Until now.

Well, hopefully the end is near.

Gentlemen!

It has been decided

that neither of you

is going to be

disqualified because...

(MAN BOOING)

It appears that both of you

have conducted

yourselves equally

in a shameful manner.

So let's get on with

this contest and finish it.

I'm gonna ask the audience

to please remain silent.

Thank you.

PROCTOR:
And continuing...

Yeah. My turn.

Unguent.

Unguent?

A-N-G-U-E-N-T. Ding it.

(AUDIENCE MUTTERING)

I can do this all night.

Go ahead.

Please, very carefully

consider the word.

Callithump.

C-A-L...

Chaitan!

Please don't do this to us.

C-A-L...

Ifs the easiest

word of the night.

C-A-L-l-T-H-U-M-P.

It's simple, idiot.

No, you're the idiot.

You forgot an

All right!

That's it! That's all!

You tried to help

a fellow competitor cheat.

That is against the rules.

Sir, you are disqualified.

Doesn't matter.

I misspelled it.

He corrected me.

PROCTOR:
Which means even though

you tried to help him cheat,

he wasn't cheating, and ended up

technically spelling the

word correctly on his own.

So he is the new champion!

No! Guy! Guy,

you tricked me!

No, Guy!

Chaiwalla,

go hug your chai-papa.

Guy, that's not fair!

Here's your trophy,

Chaitanya. Congratulations.

And here's your

check for $50,000!

And here's your lifetime

supply of encyclopedias.

Guess that worked, huh'?

PETE:
You're the new champion.

How does it feel?

CHAITANYA:
I don't consider

myself the champion.

I consider myself

the co-champion with Guy.

Guy!

It was totally unfair

to disqualify you.

This is yours, too.

You let me win.

And I want to give you half.

Plus, friends split things.

Right?

(AUDIENCE MUTTERING)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

GUY:
I don't know if! should

have done things differently.

Like I said, I'm not

good at a lot of things.

Maybe there should have

been a screaming match.

A fight.

Maybe some tears.

But I guess I

just want to move on

and lei you do the same.

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

What's done is done.

I can't change what happened.

AH I can do,

ah I want to do

is leave you with this apology.

This note,

which started with me telling

you that my feelings were.

What the hell could

you possibly write

that I would be

interested in reading?

There's a bit in there

about me being your son.

Son.

GUY:
And as much as I'd

like to hurt your feelings

and cal! you names,

they're just words, and it

wouldn't change a thing.

That's not what

this note was (on.

Hopefully it has explained

why I did what I did

and maybe even

have you understand.

If not, that's fine.

Yours literally, Guy Trilby.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

Watch this.

Hey, spelling nerd.

Yes?

Can you spell "douchebag"?

Of course.

(BULLIES LAUGHING)

How about you spell,

"Pick up your books"?

CHAITANYA:
That's a sentence!

Hey, Slumdog.

Wow!

Right? Get over here.

Where did you get this?

Got this old police car at an auction

with my half of your winnings.

So thank you very much. You

got me two cars in one month.

You're a nice guy.

Now, to pay you back,

how about we go

chase some bad guys?

I would love to.

Whoo!

Hey!

Coming to get you!

CHAITANYA:
This is awesome!

We're gonna so get them all!

(GUY WHOOPING)

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