Baked in Brooklyn Page #2

- Relationship.

- Honestly it's not ideal,

but I think the alternative,

which is her living upstate

and commuting is maybe worse

for the relationship, you know?

Like, right now, we're just in

that new relationship sweet spot

where we don't secretly

loathe each other yet,

so I think it could

be fun for us.

But I don't want it to be

annoying for you, you know?

- Yeah.

- Can I speak candidly?

- Do you have to?

I feel like I know

what you're gonna say.

You're gonna say

you don't like it--

- I don't like it,

because you barely know her,

and if she starts acting weird,

you have nowhere to go.

And why does she have

to move in so soon?

- Whoa, nobody said move in.

She's not moving in.

She's staying here.

It's a totally different thing.

- Semantics, David, okay?

After what, after seeing

each other for, like, a month?

What, is she

the hipster grifter?

- The--really?

The hipster grifter?

Dude, you've met her.

You know she's totally normal.

And also she's crazy hot,

and she wants to stay

in my room,

which defies all logic.

So basically there's nothing

you can say short

of proving she's some sort

of neo-Nazi fembot

that would, you know,

make me think this wasn't

a good idea, you know,

and even then, I'd probably

still go through with it.

- Can I show her the mule?

- Yeah, sure, from time to time.

- Really?

- No, go f*** yourself.

[phone line trilling]

- David, can I speak to you?

- Sure.

What's up?

- In the conference room.

- Sure.

- You know you're not

the only one, right?

- Yeah, I guess.

- You have your company phone?

Slide it down, please.

[exhales sharply]

- Do I get some sort

of severance?

- You'll have to talk

to HR about that.

- And when do I need to,

like, be out by?

- You clear out your desk

by the end of today.

- Oh, and could you just

tell the front desk

that if my mom calls

to just, you know,

tell her that I stepped out

to lunch or something?

- Just for today?

- No, I mean, probably for,

like, six months or so

until I get a new job.

I can email you to let

you know when I do.

[somber orchestral music]

- Have you seen the news?

Everything's crashed, no good.

You are lucky

to have job, David.

- Yeah, no good.

What did you want to do

when you were a kid?

- To be in America only.

- But, like, what did you want

to do when you got here?

- I didn't think like this.

I think to be in America,

you do anything:

airline pilot,

accounting, doctor,

big company CEO,

ball-base player,

cowboy.

- David, when Tata

was a young boy,

dedushka used

to play all the American

Western TV programs for him, eh?

- I thought everyone

in America is cowboy, bandits,

Indians, sheriffs, deputies.

- Did you ever want to be

a bandit?

- Of course.

The only one above the sheriff

is the bandits.

- For most of the story.

[Obama speaking indistinctly

on TV]

David, eat.

- I'm sure

you'll find something else.

- Yeah, thanks.

- Do you know what you want

to do, like, with your life?

- I like sports.

I can do something in sports.

- Are you joking?

I can't tell.

- Yeah, it's a "Seinfeld" thing.

I don't actually like sports,

I guess except tennis

and cycling,

but there's too much drugs

in cycling.

[rock music playing]

- Well, I'm sure

you'll think of something.

- We'll see.

Awesome, thank you.

- I got to go.

- Thanks, dude.

- Bye.

- Bye.

[hip-hop music]

[music stops]

Eliza!

[lively rock music]

[whistling melody]

[phone ringing]

- What's going on?

- Okay, I've got everything

I need. Can we meet this guy?

- No.

- Just text me the info.

Bye.

- Why do you have

to sell weed, though?

- Dealing just seems exciting

and glamorous

and, like, potentially

extremely lucrative.

I'll hopefully make

enough money to live on,

and I'll get to, like,

live--capital L--

in a way I haven't before.

Plus, I'll have stuff

to write about,

which would be cool

in that I want to be a writer.

It's honestly kind of perfect,

right?

- I don't know.

- But, like,

here's the main thing:

my chances

of getting caught are,

like, relatively slim, right,

which, you know,

is maybe f***ed up,

but it's true

statistically speaking.

It's totally true.

- I mean, like--

- And I hate smoking weed,

so it's not like I'll smoke

all my product or something.

- Oh, boy.

- And you will be

on a very specific ration,

so you also will not smoke

all of my product.

[laughs]

Seriously though,

anything I would want to get

is, like,

totally impossible right now.

- I don't believe that

for two seconds.

- Well, if you play

your cards right

and earn it, maybe

you'll get a discount.

- I know how to earn it.

- Oh, yeah?

- I know exactly how to earn it.

[tense music]

- They're here.

- Hi, David Shapiro.

David.

Hey, how's it going?

So, like, are you guys

pretty busy today with deals?

- What do you need?

- How much is an ounce?

- 370.

- Okay, then I guess let me

get...

2 ounces.

Is there a bulk discount?

- Two isn't bulk, B.

[both speaking Spanish]

Si.

[speaks Spanish]

[siren wailing in distance]

- I wish I had, like, a button

I could press to make

a tumbleweed roll by,

you know, like in situations

where nothing else is happening.

Oh, what was the strain called?

- Green Kush.

- Green Kush, okay.

Do you have any other strains?

- Not at the moment.

- Is there a time of year

that weed is in season

and it costs less?

- Is this kid for real?

- You know, when you buy

different vegetables

at different times of the year,

they cost different amounts

because they go in and out

of season, you know?

- Bruto, weed isn't a vegetable.

Doesn't work that way.

[both speak Spanish]

David, I'd like

to explain something to you.

And it's not because I like you

or because I think you're cute,

but solely because

the more customers

that buy from me,

the better it is for me.

But I got this feeling

that you're not gonna

be my customer for that long,

so I need you to listen.

You need to shut the f*** up.

You need to keep your mouth

closed and shut the f*** up.

I know that you're gonna

be selling to people,

and you're gonna just

be telling your life story,

but you need to cut

that sh*t out right now,

or you're gonna get popped.

And stop smiling like you're

in a motherfucking day care,

or I'll rob you.

The only reason I'm not

robbing you right now

is because of her,

and I'll probably make more

off of you in the long run

than I can take off

you right now.

Don't tell anyone more

than they need to know.

Don't tell anybody sh*t

about your personal life.

You want to talk?

Talk about the weather or movies

or some bullshit.

Don't pick up that phone

if you don't have to.

Don't text if

you don't have to.

Keep all your conversations

to a minimum.

Stay paranoid, B,

and keep it moving.

You understand me?

Yeah?

Good.

You call me when you need,

all right?

You too, sweetheart.

- They seem nice.

[hip-hop music playing]

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