Bal-27 Warfare Page #10

JACK MITCHELL:

What? This couldn't be more of an obvious trap! Wait no, it could also be incredibly lazy writing and that's the likely option given what I've seen so far.

GIDEON:

We'll make use of these hoverbikes to make our way into the city.

JACK MITCHELL:

Cool!

GIDEON:

Of course the game will drive yours for you.

JACK MITCHELL:

Not at all cool!

They drive towards the HOSPITAL and leave their HOVERBIKES just outside.

GIDEON:

Okay, we're continuing on foot here. Slow and steady, Mitchell. Well, you can run ahead if you want, but you'll just bump into an obstacle that only I can move out of the way and I'm going to take a f***ing eternity to get there.

The OBSTACLE turns out to be a SIMPLE GIRDER. As GIDEON effortlessly MOVES IT ASIDE, MITCHELL suddenly falls TWO FLOORS DOWN.

JACK MITCHELL:

I'm good! I'll just use my double jump to get back up there.

GIDEON:

Actually, you're equipped with a totally different type of exosuit. No double jump and no mag gloves either. But hey, you've got a riot shield now!

JACK MITCHELL:

It would be neat if I were allowed to select my own exosuit loadout at the start of every mission, but I suppose Call of Duty is deathly afraid of something like that.

MITCHELL works his way past some KVA TROOPS IN CLEANSUITS and links back up with GIDEON.

GIDEON:

The hospital is just up ahead, but the KVA are everywhere and this street is too exposed. Mitchell, help me push this ambulance to the entrance so we can use it as cover!

JACK MITCHELL:

So what the f*** is my riot shield even for then?

MITCHELL pushes the AMBULANCE to the ENTRANCE. Instead of GETTING SHOT AT, he is now GETTING SHOT AT WHILE PUSHING AN AMBULANCE.

INT. HOSPITAL - DETROIT

ONCE INSIDE, they find DR. PIERRE DANOIS.

PIERRE DANOIS:

I'll never talk! F***, I just guaranteed a hefty bout of torture for myself, didn't I?

GIDEON:

We'll start with punching your lights out! Okay, let's take him back to the camp.

JACK MITCHELL:

We can't do that! The KVA are after us and there's innocent civilians at the camp!

GIDEON:

The camp's protected by sturdy walls, Mitchell.

JACK MITCHELL:

The KVA are using gunships, Gideon! Gunships that can fly right over walls if they want to!

GIDEON:

If you stop whining, I'll let you take control of your hoverbike on the way back.

JACK MITCHELL:

Okay fine, but the drive back better not be incredibly scripted!

IT TOTALLY IS. F*** YOU.

INT. SHELTER CAMP - DETROIT

DANOIS is put in an INTERROGATION ROOM with ILONA, another ATLAS OPERATIVE.

PIERRE DANOIS:

Hah, a woman in a Call of Duty game? She's obviously only here to serve as a damsel in distress and/or die two minutes after being introduced! Come, let's get this over with!

ILONA:

Guess again, motherf***er!

ILONA subjects DANOIS to A HEFTY BOUT OF TORTURE and learns that HADES is set to meet with HIS FINANCIAL BACKERS in GREECE.

JONATHAN IRONS:

Excellent work! You guys start work on an operational plan for Greece while I go tell an American army official to f*** right off.

EXT. SANTORINI - GREECE

MITCHELL and ILONA are in SANTORINI near a BUILDING where the KVA MEETING will take place.

ILONA:

Okay, let's see which disposable gadget we'll allow you to make use of for this mission. You've had mag gloves. You've had the mute charge. Robot fly? No. Ah, the sniper drone!

MITCHELL takes control of a SNIPER DRONE and flies it over to the BUILDING. Just kidding, IT FLIES ITSELF.

GIDEON:

Mitchell, we're ready to go in. Take out the guards in the precise order Ilona and I will dictate. If you deviate in any way, you'll have to start over.

JACK MITCHELL:

It's fine, I've made my peace with it.

After MITCHELL snipes the GUARDS and then HADES, GIDEON breaches the MEETING ROOM and finds that instead it's a BODY DOUBLE.

GIDEON:

It's not him, even though it's the exact same character model!

ILONA:

Blast! The real Hades is bugging out in a convoy! We can still cut him off!

MITCHELL and ILONA succeed in AMBUSHING THE CONVOY.

ILONA:

Hades is in the front car, Mitchell! Get to him!

JACK MITCHELL:

Wait, are we about to do that typical Call of Duty boss battle where I'm immobilised while an ally fights the bad guy before I deliver the killing blow?

ILONA:

Look out, another car out of f***ing nowhere!

After MITCHELL is PINNED BY THE CAR, ILONA briefly FIGHTS HADES and then MITCHELL manages to SLICE OPEN HIS THROAT.

JACK MITCHELL:

Right, game over! Roll credits to an inappropriate rock track!

HADES:

Wait! I still have a plot point! Gurgle.

HADES passes a FLASH DRIVE to ILONA and then DIES.

JACK MITCHELL:

A flash drive? This would've been a slip of paper if he wasn't such a hypocrite.

INT. ATLAS FACILITY - NEW BAGHDAD

IRONS is giving an INTERVIEW to a REPORTER while MITCHELL and GIDEON look on.

JONATHAN IRONS:

When the men and woman of Atlas finally killed Hades after leaving Santorini a smoking ruin, the entire KVA network came crashing down, just like when that happened with every other terrorist leader in the past!

REPORTER:

With the KVA gone and Atlas now the largest corporation in the world, are we still meant to assume you're not abhorrently evil?

JONATHAN IRONS:

I realise full well that PMCs haven't enjoyed the best reputation in fiction. Half the scripts on this very blog feature jokes about them being morally bankrupt! I assure you, there will be no need for new jokes regarding Atlas. There's only so many one can come up with, right?

REPORTER:

There's rumours that the United Nations will offer you a seat on the Security Council.

JONATHAN IRONS:

Well, I've made no secret of my disdain for politicians, so I'm sure I'll have a lot of fun rubbing elbows with them at the highest level!

As IRONS and the REPORTER leave, ILONA calls MITCHELL and GIDEON down to a MAINTENANCE ROOM.

ILONA:

Guys, I've decrypted the data Hades passed on to us. In keeping with his aversion to technology, it's a goddamn holographic recording. Here, watch.

The RECORDING shows the TECHNOLOGIST FROM LAGOS warning IRONS about the KVA ATTACKS. IRONS responds by MURDERING HIS FACE, all in IMMERSIVE HOLOSCOPIC 3D©.

ILONA:

Irons knew about the attacks! He ensured they would happen so Atlas could profit from the resulting chaos!

JACK MITCHELL:

Not that I'm refuting this plot twist, as it was long overdue and painfully obvious right from the very first trailer, but I do have some questions. First, wouldn't it have made more sense for Irons to stop the attacks and rightly take credit for that rather than for helping out afterwards?

ILONA:

I suppose, but that wouldn't have been needlessly evil, now would it?

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