Bal-Can-Can Page #6

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shot my Luka full of holes,

and didn't even

scratch the whore!

Scratch her yourself,

she's yours, not ours.

Looks like it's over...

Ours? I'll f*** both of you,

that's how ours she is!

Watch your tongue, Mate,

or a bomb could blow you off!

Or I could blow your head off

with my bare hands, eh?

Or those hands of yours could

jerk my cock, eh?

Or I could bite off that cock

of yours with my teeth, eh?

Osman! The UNPROFOR

guys are alive!

Alive? How the f***...?

Good afternoon. Keep

doing what you're doing,

we'll be out of here

in a second... Ciao!

Italians!

- You don't say?

Move your ass! Hurry up!

- No afraid, we friends.

We Croatians, they Muslims.

- That's true!

One face, one race!

Long live the

European Union!

Don't ask for it, you b*tch!

How do you like the lamb?

A dead mouth would eat it!

Here's some brandy,

ten years old!

Ask them about the carpet...

It's a modest feast,

but what the f***,

we weren't expecting you!

I hope, what see here,

no report in Brussels?

If necessary, we

prepared to pay!

Eh, it is necessary, it is...

If they find out about

this in Brussels... Wow!

Carpet...

- Taste the lamb, will you?

Look:
Here, during the war,

everything was okay.

By the book:
We bombed

them with grenades, they

burned our houses down.

But then your people

came, declared peace,

and ruined our relations!

Our people ruined

your relations?

What is he saying? - Wait

a second, can't ya see

I'm talking with this

gentleman... - Oh, pardon me!

According to the peace

plan, the territory of

Chaprljane divided in:

Muslim part,

and Croatian part.

But not were divided...

...er, the resources.

- The resources?

The commercial resources!

Hey, tell him about

the resources!

Don't be rude, let me finish,

damn it! - Oh, pardon!

Before, we had a deal:

We sell artillery...

Ya know, artillery,

boom-boom!

...they sell handguns! And

we exported to Iran, Iraq,

Afghanistan, Kurdistan,

Chechnya, Russia,

Belarus... - Ireland,

Scotland, Sweden,

Denmark, Finland,

Slovenia!

But Osman took over

our business:

Began selling depleted

uranium bombs!

No, no uranium...

cluster bombs!

And so - we got conflict!

They shut down the water

supply, 'cause the water

pipe is on their side...

...and we took over their

mosque...

'cause the mosque's on

our side of the village!

Pardon me! They're using a

mediaeval mosque,

historical monument, as a

military warehouse! Phew!

Our common interest is this

conflict remains secret.

Your predecessor, before you,

cooperated very well.

We paid him money...

...and he minded his own

f***ing business.

And the girl?

The girl.

What, is he asking

for a Coca-Cola?

Sorry, no Coc...

Oh, he's asking about

the whore, eh?

Mhm-yeah!

- Now we're f***ed!

Did they say something

about the carpet?

She was a woman of my

late brother, Gojko.

When the war started, Bakir,

Osman's brother in law,

killed Gojko...

My relative, Bakir!

- We killed Bakir, so his

son Shukro raped

her for revenge.

Then we killed Shukro...

- Poor little Shukro!

...but, f***, she got

pregnant! - And?

And what? What? She's

a whore. - A whore!

We kicked her out at once.

No Muslim bastard is

going to live in a catholic

home. - A whore!

She went to them,

but they're honourable

people, so they kicked her

out immediately! - Whore!

And the child?

We had nothing to do

with that.

She drowned it

in the river!

What's the matter

with him?

How should I know?

You know these UN guys

all of them a bunch of pussies...

Let's sing a song, to

cheer him up a bit, eh?

"The youngster was playing

his mandolin..."

"...his mandolin,

made of pure gold..."

"...ooh, its thin strings,

made of virgin's hair..."

"he pulled them so gently,

with a falcon feather..."

Hey, Osman! If these guys

report that we're still in

war, we're f***ed

together with our business!

But why don't we just

cut up the two of them, bro'?

F*** my mama if this

isn't the smartest of ideas!

Scusi, signori.

What the f*** is wrong now?

Bro'... They'll send us to

join granny Zumbula, bro'.

I've had enough of

this granny Zumbula!

If it wasn't for bloody

granny Zumbula

and her bloody carpet,

I wouldn't be here

with these hyenas!

"Little baby, get it,

take it, oh..."

"...climb on my cock,

look at Sarajevooo!"

Our woman! F***!

What the hell have you done,

you f***in' baldy?

Sorry, the kid didn't mean

to do it, I swear to mama...

Whatta ya mean he didn't

mean to, he killed my wife!

F*** the wife, ya've killed

nine of ours, so what?

Well, you've also killed

nine of ours! - What nine?

But Elvis doesn't count!

An agreement, remember?

Kids and old men

do not count!

Oh, they don't count, eh?

Pardon me then!

Granddad is done for!

Fine. Now we're fifty-fifty!

F***ing circumcised a**holes!

Pardon me!

Oh, is that so?

Meho! Faik! Fire!

Oh, f***!

It's over...

- The carpet!

Breathe, breathe...

Don't die on me now, breathe!

You're not... Italian...

you speak our language...

The carpet... Was

there a carpet here?

How... how do you

know about the carpet?

What do you mean how?

It's my carpet, my granny!

Osman bought twenty

carpets, to put them in the

mosque... but the

late Luka stole them...

that's why they killed him,

Rizvanbegovich sh*t!

And the carpet?

- Luka lost them at poker,

down there, in Kosovo...

He had two pairs...

but that sh*t Ramadani

had a straight!

Who is Ramadani?

Shefket Ramadani...

The bloody mother f***er!

Shefket Ramadani...

Hello?

Kosovo 2001... Terrible!

It sounds like the title

of some sci-fi movie.

Want some?

As you like it!

You're right,

it's disgusting!

And this entire place

is disgusting...

You tear down each

other's temples, burn

down each other's houses,

rape each other's wives...

Countries so small,

and yet so evil!

And your history keeps

repeating itself, going

round, again and again...

Shefket Ramadani!

Because of that man my

father left yours in a mess.

Because of him Seraphim

died in prison, and

Vitomir fled the country!

And now the same Shefket

Ramadani stole your carpet!

That man is dangerous!

He must be a hundred years

old below the belt, with a

1 00 murders in his career!

I'm no Robin Hood.

I've been involved in a fight

only once in my entire life,

and it was against

someone weaker than me.

I mind my own

business and try to snatch

things from others

if I can, and that's all.

I'm not a hero! I'm not

going into the lion's den

to look for your crazy granny!

You don't understand a

word I'm saying, do you?

Let's sleep.

Good night, bro'.

Granny Zumbula...

Why are you looking

at me like that?

You can stand... you don't

need the wheelchair.

Everything is easier

when you're dead.

And why are you so sweaty?

I had a dream... All the

people I know were in it.

And we were all sick of

some strange illness, but

no one wanted to admit it.

We were dying slowly,

our flesh was rotting...

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