Bald

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[Women moaning]

[Cartoony bouncing sounds]

[Tearing sound]

Oh my God, I think he's going bald.

[Women screaming]

[All screaming]

I'm 20 years old, and

I'm losing all of my hair.

Every day, it thins more and more.

My best friend Max says

no one can even notice,

but I know that's not true.

If I was rich, I could

get a hair transplant

or one of those serious

Hollywood hairpieces.

But I'm not rich.

I'm bald.

Come on Growpecia, I've

waited the six months.

Start working.

I used to get all the girlies.

Now I barely get kitty cat once a month.

I tried stopping my hair loss.

Nothing works.

This doesn't work either.

I need the brush Jack Nicholson

used in Anger Management.

That thing was incredible.

Come to think of it, Jack

Nicholson is incredible.

I'm gonna have to wear a hat every day

for the rest of my life.

Print my paper, smoke my ten paper,

get to class.

People will notice you

wore those pants last week.

Good morning, little buddy.

Hey, is this... is this

new this thing your doing,

'cause it's working.

Will you get out of

here with that stuff?

You're gonna stink up my clothes.

My shuttle's leaving in five minutes.

Now, did you finish your paper?

It's not due today.

[Laughs]

You wore those pants last week.

Well, hello, the B.

You coming to class today?

We got four hecklers for Psych.

The B will be there.

Motherf***er.

Ooh, I wish I'd slept

in here last night.

Shh.

Looking good, ladies.

Looking good.

Max, I'm gonna kick your ass.

When'd you make these?

Last night.

What time?

I don't know, like, 3:30.

Why, do you like them?

They're exceptional.

Ladies, I really think

this is your best work.

I can't believe you're saying that.

When we made it, we were

practically passing out.

I always told you,

a true artist works best at night.

You guys are gonna be huge.

Trust me.

Wait, have you come up with

your new internet idea yet?

Cynthia and I really need

money for our clothing line.

I'm working on it.

What's taking you so long?

Oh, don't worry.

See, the subconscious part of my brain

has been working overtime

the last three weeks,

so any minute now, my idea is gonna pop.

Everyone says you're a genius.

Why aren't you making any money, genius?

Oh, I will.

See, every man just

needs one great idea, one.

It's on the way.

Hmm.

Well, when you come up

with it, we want to help.

- You do?

- Mm-hmm.

Shouldn't be a problem.

Ladies, it's the good

things that happen slowly.

It's the great things

that happen all at once.

Shuttle's leaving, two minutes.

I kind of like him.

I know.

I slept with him once.

Really?

And how was he?

Incredible.

The best male sex I've ever had.

[Laughs]

Oh.

Unhand that dweeb.

Look at him; he's nothing.

Everybody, those guys are probably gay.

[Extremely loud belching]

Now, you get to class, little buddy.

Go save the world.

[Indistinct whispering]

Look at his bald head.

Got no hair.

[Laughter]

I've got more hair on my balls.

Hey, pal.

Got no hair.

Let's make this quick.

Hello, operator?

Yes, I'm trying to buy some security.

Yes, I'm very insecure.

Oh, you have some in stock.

Great.

No, no, no, I'll take it now.

Is everybody ready?

Is y'all motherfuckers ready?

Y'all gladiators?

We're gonna turn the heat up

in this motherf***er today!

Whoo!

Those are some big ass titties!

Little thirsty.

I want to take the morning after pill

before I go out at night.

That way, I'll be ahead of the game.

Mm-hmm.

What the f***?

Make sure you ain't got no bomb

or nothing in this... bend over.

Is cum fattening?

I hope Coach partners

me up with Justin.

I just want to rub up all against him.

Good thing I told the coach.

Turn it up.

Sit your ass down.

I wonder if anyone knows I've

been with seven guys this week?

I think I have a problem.

God, that girl's

giving herself a bad name.

She's blown, like, seven

guys in the last week.

But more importantly,

if I fail this class,

then I'll be kicked out of school.

Someone's looking at my bald spot.

Yo, Max.

Yo, f***in' Andy.

What up, B?

Hey, made a new film.

We're gonna watch it tonight.

Man, you know I love

this snuff film sh*t.

Morning, everyone.

I have your papers with me,

and I'll be handing them

out at the end of class.

How'd we do?

Did anyone pass?

Did anyone fail?

Is my brother gay?

You all did moderately well.

Who had the highest grade?

Who had the lowest grade?

Make a meal out of a blowj*b.

Silence!

[Flatulent sound]

- I'll eat your ass!

- Let me see your balls.

- A whore!

- I'll suck your dick, man.

I promise you, you will

be ejected from my class

and expelled from the school.

F*** you!

[Belches loudly]

I do have talent, and

Max appreciates it.

I'm bald and out of school.

I officially have nothing to live for.

Not true.

For five grand, you can

f*** a retired porn star.

I've seen the website.

It's real.

I don't think you're listening to me.

I'm kicked out of school,

and I have no money.

You know, maybe taking

some time off school

would be good for you.

Lat time I took a break,

I met Shirtless Cynthia.

Now my life is perfect.

Maybe if you spent less time

organizing the destruction of the class

and spent more time doing your homework,

you wouldn't be in this situation.

Baby, you are so cute.

Come here.

I wonder if they fist each other?

Hey, hey, Drew, huh?

Wake the f*** up, huh, buddy?

I'm awake.

I was just thinking

about something important.

What? Lesbian duos?

No.

I was thinking about what

I'm gonna tell my parents.

Ah, f*** those clowns.

Man, those niggas don't know you.

Yeah, thanks the B.

But that's not gonna help me right now.

Hey, guys.

What's up, O. B?

You're late.

What's wrong with Andy?

Oh, he just got kicked out of school,

and he's broke.

So what's up with

your big internet idea?

Soon.

Soon.

Come into this love, buddy.

I'm going bald, O.B.

So?

I had my first heart attack

while playing with myself.

Life's embarrassing.

That's not so bad.

My mom and her bridge club found me.

Woodsy.

What?

You don't have to worry

about your f***ed up hair loss.

Man, they got this Japanese

nigga scientist, man.

This motherf***er figured out a way

to make hair grow on your head

by using dead hair from your anus.

That doesn't help me.

Well, it should.

Ah, f*** it.

I'm a great guy with a lot to offer.

If a girl doesn't want to be with me

just because I have a few less

strands of hair on my head,

who needs her?

Oh, Woodsy.

You like her?

Yes.

And call me Andrew.

Would you have sex with her?

Of course I would.

I, Andrew Wood.

That's my nigga.

Motherfuckin' nigga.

What the f***?

Hold up!

Where you going in such a hurry?

Please don't look at my hairline.

Please don't look at my hairline.

It's over.

She saw my bald spot.

I'm going to my physics class.

Physics.

You're studying to be an astronaut.

No.

Do you even know what physics is?

Oh, yeah, physics.

Physics is the study of matter, and...

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