Bald Page #2

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Let's see how long it takes

for him to look at my breasts.

Those things are huge.

I need to suck 'em or at

least tit bang 'em a little.

Girl, if you knew

what I could do to you.

Hello?

My head's up here.

Oh.

Sorry, I was...

Maybe you should ask what my name is.

What's your name?

My name's Caroline.

Thanks for asking.

But I have to head to class,

so I'll see you around, Andrew Wood.

How did you know what my name was?

Devon told me.

Devon.

He was my ultra homosexual friend.

From the moment this boy was born,

all he could think about

was c*cks and fashion.

He had helped me before,

and surely he would help me again.

Where would I be without Devon?

Good old, ultra homosexual Devon.

[Knocks on door]

- Who is it?

- It's me.

I need your help with something.

Andy pants, Andy pants,

who is it this time?

Oh, and you brought Max with you.

How's it going, butterball?

Good, Devon.

I'm always good.

Ooh.

You ladies hear about the perverted jock

on the wrestling team?

No, what happened?

Well, apparently...

a player was kicked off the team

for rubbing up against

the other wrestlers.

[Laughter]

See, during their last practice,

he rubbed his manhood...

so hard up against the

other wrestler's back,

that it bruised him.

My only complaint, that

no one sent him to me.

You'd suck him sideways,

wouldn't you, f*ggot?

I can't believe you just thought that.

This is the 21st century.

Grow up and apologize.

I'm sorry, Devon.

I'm so sorry.

Sorry, why?

Why are you sorry?

Why don't you sit down, Dev?

I can't.

Jesse pounded me so hard last night,

it hurts when I sit.

Now, why do you let him do that?

It's not classy.

I know.

I mean, he's just such

a typical man that way,

trying to prove how strong

he is by banging me up.

It really hurts now.

So, Andrew, why were

you apologizing before?

I was thinking hateful,

terrible thoughts,

and I feel ashamed.

Oh, it was nothing.

I am sorry to hear

about your bum, though.

Oh, don't you worry about it.

It will heal.

[Laughs]

So.

[Gasps]

Hoo!

- You okay?

So what kind of girl do you want?

You want blonde,

brunette, Asian fantasy?

Ooh, ebony queen.

No, no, no, no, this girl knows me.

She said you told her my name.

Well, you're gonna have to give me

a little more info than that, sweetie.

She's got dark hair,

young face,

and classic teardrop titties.

How big?

Weak C.

C?

No, flip back to the B section.

C sounds too big.

Do no such thing.

I got a good look at 'em, saw the cup.

A weak C.

How could you know that?

You only saw her for a second.

Is this the girl?

- Yes.

- Weak C.

Told you.

Wow.

How many girls you got in this book?

It's incredible.

- 1,200.

Amazing.

Thank you.

Okay, her name is Caroline Goldman.

Okay, she's had four boyfriends,

two serious and two flings,

and I think she wants

to make you number three.

Whoa, for a fling

or to be her boyfriend?

Don't know, beats the sh*t out of me.

How do you know this?

Well, we were talking

about you and Max.

I just only didn't say

anything because, you know,

figured she wasn't your type.

So do you want her phone

number or IM contacto?

Why was she asking about Max?

Honey, we were watching

one of his blooper videos,

and she asked.

Well, how do you know

she likes me and not him?

Because, baby cakes, she

said your pic looked cute.

Who's a pretty?

Well, then, yeah, yeah,

give me her contact info.

Okay.

You know, I love watching you work.

What?

What's wrong with me

having this baby on my list?

Nothing's wrong with it,

but I don't want you yelling at her

when you think she's

staring at your bald spot.

That only happened twice,

and both times the b*tches

were staring right at my crown.

Easy, ladies.

Loud noises upset me.

- Sorry, Devon.

- Sorry, Devon.

It's all right.

However, there is

something you can do for me.

What do you need?

I want that sweet wrestler's name.

I want to know where he's at.

Consider it done.

I'll find it tonight on messenger.

Yes, go!

Go and find me... find me my lost boy.

Holy sh*t.

Who is that?

- Come on.

I still need to find out a

way for us to make some money.

The only way I'm gonna

get back into school

is to pay off the dean,

and I mean pay him off so hard

that he even fixes my transcript.

First I want to say good-bye

to my friend Devon here,

a true, true ladies man.

I respect you.

- Thank you.

See you ladies later, and don't forget:

Everyone's gay; it's all mental.

Free your mind.

Shake it, shake it, shake it.

[Knocks on door]

Come in.

What's wrong, brittlely bones?

I need money.

Max, I can't live like this anymore.

I think I'm gonna have to move home.

Can't have that.

What am I gonna do?

I don't have next month's rent,

and pretty soon, I won't have

enough money for Growpecia.

Does that stuff really work?

Yes.

It just takes time.

What do you need money for?

So that I can buy

my way back into school

and hopefully one day

get a hair transplant.

You would do that, huh?

You would let a doctor

cut open your head

and transfer the hairs?

Not just any doctor.

I want the guy who did

Matthew McConaughey.

- He's going bald?

- And Jude Law.

And that's my point.

No one can tell.

I'm running out of time, Max.

People are laughing

at me everywhere I go,

and... and the ones who don't

laugh look away in shame.

My days are numbered.

Help me.

Please help me, Max.

Give me an hour.

One hour.

I feel an idea a-brewing.

What do I do until then?

Go.

Go to Caroline's.

You place an investigation on her tilly.

Go.

When you come back in

we're gonna be in business.

Go.

[Screams]

Oh, my.

Eww.

He's disgusting.

I never want to go to your house.

Thank you, Max.

How's my hair?

My favorite is still

the boombastic bloopers.

Maybe 'cause it's got

the word boombastic in it,

and I loved to get boomed

in my ass with a dick.

You really love cock, man.

Oh, you know it.

Well, you'll be happy to hear

I have the perverted

wrestler's information for you.

Turns out he's in our Psych class.

Oh, gimme.

His name is Joey Powers,

and from what I hear,

he's practically ready

to bust out of the closet.

Oh, well, if he

needs any help, honey,

I'll break that closet

door off with my throat.

Ride 'em, cowgirl.

Where's he at?

Sixth floor.

You're lying.

No.

Andrew, I need you to

help me fix my computer.

Can you come to my room?

Yeah.

Yeah, sure, I can fix it.

I could also eat your ass.

You hear me?

I will eat your ass.

I will eat it!

Is this b*tch working for bin Laden?

Sorry about my room.

I'm in the nuclear development program,

and I love history.

Did you know that Albert

Einstein was Jewish?

- Really?

- Yeah, isn't that funny?

Yeah, Jews are hysterical.

Oh, sh*t, she might be one of

the few people who hates Jews.

Yeah, my mother is Jewish,

and when I was little,

she used to tell me all these stories

about the great Albert Einstein.

I bet she did.

Houston, this is Andrew Wood.

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