Bald Page #3

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Come in, please, over.

This is Houston. Go ahead, Andrew.

Yeah, I need clearance for a fly out.

What's your equipment, son?

- I got a half

- Jewish p*ssy ready for takeoff, over.

Proceed with caution

and make sure not to

promise her anything, over.

Thanks, Houston.

Houston?

What are you talking about?

Oh.

Uh, nothing.

You do that a lot.

What?

I don't know what they call it.

You just kind of wander

off into your thoughts.

That's because I'm going

bald, and I have no confidence.

In another six months,

I'll be as bald as

Bruce Willis or Jude Law.

But then again, Jude's hairline

and general thickness has

improved over the years.

Maybe he had a hair transplant.

This is why I have to go to Hollywood.

- Hello, Andrew?

- Yes.

You're really weird.

But I like you.

You look like Ross...

from Friends.

And Ross is sexy.

Stay focused.

If you want head,

you're gonna have to eat her out first.

Oh, Lord, you are too good to me.

From now on, I'm gonna

do everything in my power

to be a better person.

Bikity.

What?

You are so beautiful.

[Also Sprach Zarathustra plays]

And those are the biggest

bikity tits I've ever seen.

Please don't smell bad.

Please don't smell bad.

If it tastes like trout, get out.

If it tastes like

chicken, keep on lickin'.

Blast off.

Houston, we have ignition.

It tastes like chicken.

Thank you, Lord.

I'm gonna eat this one for you.

Abigail.

What's wrong, O. B?

I just can't take it anymore.

Uh... oh, not again.

You sit down.

You sit down.

We're about to smoke a bucket of weed.

You should have seen it, Max.

They were laughing at me.

They were making fun of me.

Someone even threw something at me, man.

Where were you?

Chicken Shack.

Damn it.

Why do people have to be so cold?

One guy yelled out, "Hey, Lardo.

"You're a real fat pig, aren't you?

You fat pig."

But I'll kill him.

I'll become the bulk, and

I'll kill their ass, man.

You take this out on Mr. Bong.

# Yes, I'm lonely #

# Oh, so lonely #

# If I could only #

# Ride the pony #

# Find a woman #

# I'll start doing the Jamaican jerk #

You think this is

all right with my heart?

Don't be ridiculous.

You got the heart of an elephant.

You hit this 50 times, fast.

# My friends are all laughing #

# My love life is a joke #

# I forget all my problems #

# And take another toke #

# Romance ain't no worry #

# When you're getting high #

# So I ain't in no hurry #

# My hand will get me by #

# Yes, I'm lonely #

[coughs]

Oh, that's delicious.

Do you have any sodas?

That is a luxury

I cannot afford, O.B.

Max.

We have a question.

Ladies.

I think you just saved

Andrew Wood's life.

Will you give me a second?

- Fine with us.

O.B.

One day when I make my money,

me and you are gonna open

up a restaurant of our own.

And what are we gonna call that?

The Ultimate Biscuit.

Yeah.

And when people meet

there, they're gonna say,

"Dude, meet me at the

f***in' Ulti Bisc."

We'll only serve gigantic portions,

and only the most gigantic people

will be allowed to work there.

God, a place where I

could eat in freedom, right?

This sounds wonderful, man.

The walls will be decorated

with posters of obese people

enjoying life through feast.

And the centerpiece is gonna be

an all-you-can-eat bar

of cake, pie, ice cream...

- Pudding.

- And milk shakes.

And it won't be a bar, no.

This will be an island.

Your words are like

chocolate poetry to me.

When will they be so?

Soon, my portly friend, soon.

Ladies, once upon a time,

you said you wanted to be a

part of my internet business.

- Mm-hmm.

- Does that offer still stand?

- Yeah.

- Why?

Well, it's gonna require

you to take off your clothes.

And why would I do that?

Not just you.

Shirtless Cynthia too.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about the future.

You can open up a

hundred fashion companies

if you listen to me.

All I need are your bodies, your trust,

and your phone tree of hot women.

Well, how many do you need?

Well, how many can you bring?

[Coughs]

We start tomorrow.

is something every

man should experience,

and if not that, they

should at least see it.

People.

This is gonna be a celebration,

a celebration of the human body.

What can I do to help, Max?

You're gonna be head

of security with the B.

Oh, the B rules.

Give me your dad's credit card.

Hmm?

The f*** is going on here?

Max, where are you?

In the basement.

Come on down, little buddy.

Hi.

What's this?

This is your new business.

Welcome to the big time, little buddy.

What is it?

Have a seat.

Have a drink.

I want to explain something to you.

For years now, I have watched

men get rich off the internet

while I just stood idly by.

Well, all that's gonna change, Woodsy,

because me and you,

we're going into the adult

entertainment industry.

Go on.

This equipment you see before you

will be used to service lonely men,

and in some cases, women too.

How?

Look around you,

Woodsy, what do you see?

I don't know, lingerie and d*ldos.

See, it might not

be the stock market,

but I guarantee you,

this will make money.

All we got to do is put girls

in front of these cameras,

and the money will

circulate around the world

and into our bank accounts.

You know what my

parents are gonna do to me

if they found out?

In the words of the

B, f*** those clowns.

You said you needed to make some money.

Well, this operation

is gonna make you money.

If some guy logs on and sees

some girl playing with a dildo,

bam,

that is $1,000 into our bank account.

Max, you're wasting your time.

No one's gonna spend $1,000

to see a girl do that.

You're right.

They pay $2,000.

I did my research, Woodsy,

before I bought the equipment.

The 10,000 other websites

that offer live stripping

charge up to $2,500.

And most of them don't

even have clear cameras.

I got us the clearest

cameras in the biz.

Would you stop doing that?

Each camera you see before you

offers 8.5 megapixels of p*ssy.

In laymen terms, that

is clear-cut images

of tits, ass, d*ldos, and hair pie.

And what happens when we get caught?

Get caught?

Not even illegal.

It might be a little bit wrong,

but Heather and Shirtless

Cynthia are on their way over

with a truckload of women,

and our only responsibility

is to watch 'em get naked and pay 'em.

Sign right there.

Well, what's this?

This is your personal contract.

What does it say?

It says you, Andrew Wood, are a CEO.

I always wanted to be a CEO.

Now's your chance.

Sign.

Now, you get some sleep, Mr. President,

'cause tomorrow's gonna be a long day

of watching girls

take their clothes off.

It's called the recruitment process.

Maybe I was crazy for trusting him,

or maybe I wasn't.

Thanks.

It's just like Morgan Freeman once said.

Get busy living or get busy dying.

I choose the first one.

[Coughs]

[Screams]

So what makes you think

you'd feel comfortable

getting undressed for other people?

I do it all the time anyway.

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