Bald Page #4

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And I like to discipline too.

You're hired.

Next.

Do you have any problems

working with large objects?

Oh, not at all.

I brought along my punisher with me.

[Together] Whoa.

Do you want to see me swallow this

or shall I hide it in my huckleberry?

[Together] Ooh.

You're hired.

Next.

I'll suck the roof off your dick.

- Hired.

- Next.

Well, I'm a virgin,

and I think this is the

perfect way to lose it.

You're hired.

C*cks!

You're hired. Next.

Yes!

I like to ride big,

hard,

strong, wet bulls,

but longer than eight seconds.

You're hired.

Next.

I can break-dance on a cucumber.

Interesting.

You can put a piece of coal in my ass

and pound it into a diamond.

You must be a millionaire.

You're hired.

I once had 13 orgasms.

Hired.

Yay!

I'll suck your dickses.

I don't think I

rented enough computers.

Were we supposed to

have this many applicants?

How many do we have?

At this rate, we can go for 24 hours.

I thought I was gonna get stuck

with some boring job for years.

Now I'm actually excited

for a new tomorrow.

[Awkward cheering]

[Upbeat rock music]

Everything is going perfect.

I paid my way back into

school, paid my debts,

and Caroline is actually

telling people I'm her boyfriend.

I even have an

appointment with the doctor

who did Matthew

McConaughey's hair transplant.

That's right, Matthew McConaughey,

hair transplant.

Mine's this summer,

and I can barely wait.

Cat box, that was a clever name.

Max came up with it for the website.

He said it had a double meaning.

It was probably because

things were going so well

that Max had to go and screw it all up.

For the rest of my life,

I will never be able to face my mother.

Prepare the great hall,

full staff meeting tonight,

cameramen, performers, hackers, anyone,

anyone who's ever worked for us.

Yes.

I better get a business suit.

Tomorrow, I could be a billionaire.

Good evening.

Friends, I want to thank all

of you for coming tonight,

but first, actually, I

want to thank Orville.

He catered tonight's party.

Food's delicious.

Way to go, buddy.

The B rules.

[Cheers and applause]

So I bet you're wondering

why I called this meeting

and organized this party,

but first I'd love to tell you

how much I appreciate

all your hard work.

And congratulate yourselves,

because we made this money

legitimately and on our own.

[Cheers and applause]

Soon, soon.

Soon we will, believe me.

But first, I really want to tell you

I owe all my success to

the people in this room.

So if any of you feel uncomfortable

with the proposal I'm about to make,

feel free to walk, no questions asked.

[Indistinct whispering]

People, people, calm down.

You haven't heard my proposal yet.

About two hours ago,

I received an email from

our top foreign client.

Behind this sheet is a picture

of what he wants us to do.

[Gasps]

That's disgusting.

Calm down, people...

'cause this is how much you're

gonna get paid, pretty much.

[Flatulent sound]

Any questions?

So I guess from your silence...

you're not interested, right?

- Of course.

- No.

Forget the party.

Let's do it tonight.

For that much money, I'd

stick a bathtub up my ass.

Okay.

People, we'll start tomorrow, 9:00 A.M.

Full cast and crew.

Now it's a party, people.

[Cheers and applause]

I swear, this girl has

the throat of a walrus.

[Dog whimpers]

What the f***?

B*tch!

It is now time for class.

Swallow this serenity tea

so you may have strength

throughout your day.

Thanks, Hiroshi.

Are you guys cool rolling

joints for the rest of the day?

Professor noticed you were gone.

Really? What'd he say?

Nothing major.

Just, "Where's the bald kid?"

Did I miss anything?

You're asking the wrong guy.

Today I will be

continuing our discussion

on what it means to show the truth.

Political parties and

tree huggers believe

our language needs to evolve

in order for us, you and I, to evolve.

Are they right?

Is this so?

I really resent the

fact that you just labeled

major activists tree huggers.

Trees are living beings.

Hmm.

Miss James, is it?

Let me ask you a question?

Exactly how much marijuana do you smoke?

'Nuff, guy, 'nuff.

Silence yourself!

I teach this class to offer

my students valuable lessons.

If you are too stoned

to learn from them,

I might have to kill you.

What?

Kill you with...

some extra homework.

[Laughs]

What?

Damn funny!

[Laughs]

Which brings me to today's lesson.

Is the truth racist,

or is it simply stating the facts?

You're final assignment

for the school year

will be to construct a 5,000-word essay

based on the following statement.

"Open your lips.

"Widen your throat.

Jamaican black dick makes

the white girl choke."

[All gasp]

"Open your lips.

"Widen your throat.

Jamaican black dick makes

the white girl choke."

Fact...

or racism?

[Chuckles]

Yes.

Your job is to analyze this statement

and decide whether or not you believe,

yes, this statement is true,

or no, the statement is false.

# Ooh ooh #

# Ooh ooh ooh ooh #

This assignment is worth

Ooh?

And I need 16 references,

and no, I am not a reference.

Any questions?

I love you, sir.

Hmm.

Mr. Wood, I'm glad to see

that you're back in class.

I believe that your

finances are back in order.

Yes, sir, they certainly are.

I also booked an appointment

with the same doctor

who did Matthew

McConaughey's hair transplant.

That's right, hair

transplant McConaughey.

You're very weird, Mr. Wood.

Now that I've given you your assignment,

you can all leave my classroom.

Now!

I'm gonna swing by

Devon's after Anthro,

you gonna come?

- I can't.

- Why?

Because I'm bald, Max.

No, you're not.

[Chuckles]

[Knocks on door]

Come in.

Oh, hello.

If it isn't my two little

sweet tootsie babies.

What can I do you for?

Do you still have both

copies of Home Alone,

I mean, Homo Abone?

Yes, why?

I need to borrow 'em.

Okay, I'll get 'em for you.

Such a weirdo request for you.

I thought you were only

into those Stanley Kubrick

and Oliver Stone movies.

You always got to make

time for the classics.

Speaking of classics,

we both just saw your movie,

and it was fantastical.

It really is something, sweetheart.

You should be proud of yourself.

Oh, stop, guys.

Now, you didn't find it too,

you know, offensive and gross?

Oh, well, other

than your crude ending.

You scared the cum out

of me with that big finish.

Thanks for the videos.

I'm gonna go to class.

- All right, see you, ladies.

- Wait, hold on a second.

Do you know why Caroline

hasn't called me back lately?

Boy, are you in trouble.

Caroline found about your little,

or should I say huge,

business operation.

To say the least, she isn't happy.

Ungrateful ho.

How does she think I pay for

all our dinners and movies?

Well, will you tell her I'm sorry

and to have her please call me?

Just go by her room after class,

and I'll make sure she talks to you.

Thanks, Dev.

It's like I always say,

if you want to get laid

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