Bald Page #5

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in the 21st century,

make sure you have at

least one gay friend.

They're never too busy

to help you meet someone,

and they're never too shy

to help you work things out.

In the end, gays are some

pretty awesome people.

Make sure you bring back that movie,

because you know how

much I love to beat off

to that shower scene

where Macaulay Culkin

puts on the aftershave

and burns his face.

[Singing operatically]

You lied to me.

You told me you made your money

selling stuff off the internet.

And that's true.

I sell quality entertainment.

Did she buy that?

Bullshit.

You didn't tell me because

you didn't want me to know.

I just... I didn't want

you to break up with me.

Most of the time, I think I love you.

I can't believe I just said that.

I love you too, Andrew.

But if you lie to me

again, I will curb your ass.

That means we're still together.

And once I get my hair transplant,

she'll never get mad at me again.

[Snaps fingers]

Hello? Are you listening to me?

I won't lie to you again.

You can count on it.

Good.

How much money did you make, anyway?

Enough to buy the school.

There must be a lot of

desperate guys out there.

You have no idea.

And we call them preferred customers.

And then it happened.

Without any warning at all,

the commercial came on.

Oh, my God, that's the

girl from my astronomy class.

Cat box.

And that's the girl

from the cafeteria.

Andrew, what is going on?

[Gasps]

Yeah, uh-huh.

Oh, my God, he's gonna be murdered.

Just get me his

address, do you hear me?

Yes, of course I'll find it.

I'll find it. I'll call you right back.

I want that son of a b*tch

who did this to my daughter.

I'm gonna f***in' kill him!

Gah!

Jesus, honey.

We've already discussed it.

I think he's gonna die.

Yeah, they're coming after him.

Oh, one second. Stop it.

Oh, my God.

Charlotte.

Alan.

Stop that. Stop that right now.

Oh, Jesus!

Oh, sweet mother of Moses, look at this!

Yeah, uh... huh, I know.

He's gonna die.

Yeah, I can just... oh, one second.

My baby girl, what are you doing?

Don't do... how do they do that?

Oh, my God, look at...

Charlotte.

Ooh, wow.

Charlotte!

Joey, Joey, look at...

And then finishes off a blue whale.

F*** it.

Just answer the question.

Did you make that tape?

Not exactly.

Well, did you or didn't you?

This is it.

You're history.

Listen to me.

I love you.

Maybe one day, I'll even marry you,

but now can you find it in

your heart to forgive me?

[Cell phone rings]

It's Max.

This might be an emergency.

Hello?

Yeah, yeah, I saw it.

You need to come home right away.

Devon's on the other line,

and apparently there's

a bunch of angry parents

on the way over here

to teach us a lesson.

Well, how the hell did they find out?

Saw the commercial,

asked their daughters.

Makes sense.

All right, I'll be right there.

Some parents are coming

up to kill me and Max.

I really have to go home.

Well, serves you right.

And now for the

question I'm afraid to ask.

Will you ever have anal sex with me?

What?

I mean...

do you still want to be my friend?

Yes.

But only if you say you love me again.

That sounded kind of nice.

Really?

You're not mad at me?

At first I was, but

now I'm kind of proud.

You've got to be joking.

No, I mean, you set up a

business and made your fortune

before your 21st birthday.

Not the most socially

acceptable way of making money,

but it works.

We just couldn't ever tell the children.

[Laughs]

That means we're gonna

have sex without a condom.

Will you marry me, Caroline?

If you're still alive, we'll talk.

Oh, I will be.

Max always has a plan

for this kind of stuff.

He's a genius, you know.

Really?

Than what am I?

Oh, my God, I want

to hit those so badly.

I said that out loud.

I really do love you!

Oh, Andrew.

Now, I knew something

like this was gonna happen,

so I designed us a

blueprint a la Home Alone...

Homo Abone.

So that's why you wanted

those movies from Devon.

Exactly.

When those angry parents get here,

they're gonna have to fight

through a house of mazes

and horrors so grotesque

only a sick son of a b*tch

like John Hughes would think it's funny.

How many people are coming?

Altogether, six, more or less.

Who are they?

Three angry fathers and their wives.

I'll kill those slits!

I love slits.

Then calm down, the B,

because if all goes as planned,

you're not gonna have to do that.

Well, what's the plan, Max?

For the next 12 hours,

we are gonna turn this

house into a death trap.

Now, I have studied

the Home Alone series

as much as one person possibly can.

Here is what I've come up with.

Each one of you will be assigned

a certain area in the house.

Now, since we're pulling

out all the stops,

feel free to use your business

credit cards to their limit,

because money is no longer an issue.

You just get everything on those lists.

What if they don't come?

Oh, believe me, they're gonna come.

Devon said they'll be here tomorrow

no later than 7:
30 P.M.,

which gives us enough time

to wire this house head

to toe full of surprises.

I'm taking the backyard.

I'm adding f***ed up night vision

to the motherfuckin' paintball gun.

That is wonderful, the

B, and let me just say,

you have always been very creative.

F*** yeah!

Motherfuckin' nig...

[record scratch]

Where am I gonna get

You leave that to me.

You just get the 50 cases of rum

and the industrial-sized

bottle of crazy glue.

Now, is everybody clear about

what their responsibilities are?

Wait.

Before we go...

I just want to say I love you, Max.

You always know how to make my life fun.

Are you sure we need

all these explosives?

Of course we do.

We're American.

Hmm, let's go, sweetheart.

I'll give you a hummer in our Hummer.

Sounds good to me.

Gun Mart, here comes the B.

I'll come with you.

Thank you, Max.

You've given a bald man a second chance.

Come on, Andy, you don't

care about that anymore.

Now, you take off your

helmet, and you show your glow.

Bald on three.

Everyone.

One, two, three.

[Together] Bald!

How much longer till we get there?

Five minutes.

I... I need to pull over.

I just want to check the map, all right?

You big baby.

Just turn the light on

in front of you and look.

I get my hands on this

kid, I'm gonna kill him.

I send my daughter for an education,

she sends me back a sex

video of her dance humpin'.

All right, listen.

When we get there, everybody

follow me, all right?

I got the best sense of direction.

He's telling the truth.

He once got us out of a snowstorm.

You couldn't see two

feet in front of you.

Not my Alan, right, honey?

You would've pulled over to the side

and cried till it stopped snowing.

You think your words

can hurt me, right?

You know they do.

I'm so excited.

When are they gonna be here?

- Any minute now.

They're f***in' dead.

What if some of them

are allergic to ecstasy?

They won't be.

Maybe we're taking this too far.

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