Bald Page #6

---

I can't believe I just said that.

Was I really becoming my father?

Andy, snap out of it.

No time for your Wonder

Years crap right now.

Are you having second thoughts?

No, I just wanted to

say something responsible.

Good, 'cause we're about to take

bad behavior to a whole new level.

Mm.

All right.

Here we are.

All right, let's get

the f*** out of here.

Everybody follow me.

This kid is dead.

Hold!

Hold!

Hold!

Hold!

Nigga!

[Gunfire]

Motherfuckers!

Elise!

Ah!

Hey!

Bruce!

No!

Cut it out!

Jesus!

Cut it out.

Wait a minute, we're parents!

It's time to end this motherf***er.

My motherfuckin' mega hand grenade.

Ninjas, vanish!

Holy Bezos!

Save your asses!

[Explosion]

Keep coming.

Keep coming.

All right, everybody stay close.

I know it's dark in here, but trust me,

I know where I'm going.

I think it's a stairwell.

I can't see anything.

Oh, my God, he's gonna kill us!

Help!

Relax!

It's... it's not gas.

[Sniffs]

It's...

Marijuana smoke.

No.

Not ma... I'm allergic.

We got to get out.

- You are not allergic.

You are a p*ssy, do you hear me?

A p*ssy!

A p*ssy!

This is good sh*t.

I can't fight it.

I'm getting f***in' high.

F***in' high.

Just hold your breath.

Bruce, it's everywhere.

I am so f***in' stoned.

Why are we here again?

What?

You don't remember?

We're here to kill that kid,

that f***ed up kid.

Why?

I don't remember.

But I know it's bad.

[Chuckles]

Oh, yeah, he did those sex

videos with our daughters.

Oh, yeah.

He had your daughter humpin' a piano.

[Laughter]

Well, their daughter was

break-dancing on a cucumber.

Not my Charlotte.

My Charlotte's not flexible enough!

Oh, come on.

We got to get out of this room.

I'm so thirsty, you guys.

Hey.

Hey, you guys, the door's opening.

Com on, let's get out. Let's escape.

Ooh, blinking lights.

Let's go. Let's go.

Yeah, let's take a break.

[Upbeat dance music]

The colors...

they're moving.

I love a laser show.

Let's have something

to drink, everybody.

Are you sure the water's clean?

[Laughs]

Oh, I don't care what's inside.

I'm so f***in' thirsty.

[Coughs] It's fine.

It's a little strong.

This isn't water.

This is old-fashioned hooch.

So drink your hooch.

Isn't it weird

the way fathers who have

families and children

all of a sudden think they're gay?

What's up with that?

Sounds weird to me.

Yeah, that's f***ed up.

Makes sense to me.

That's 'cause you're f***in' sick.

[Laughter]

[Record scratch]

Whoa.

"Please put on your face

masks and body armor."

Why?

Just f***in' do it.

F***!

Don't be such an a**hole.

Go with the flow, bro.

- Alan.

- That's right, b*tch!

I'm crazy.

I'm crazy now.

Let's go!

[All screaming]

Bruce!

Bruce!

Bruce, come on, Bruce, you big jokester.

I can't.

Just kill that kid.

Baby, come to me.

I'm too young to be a widow.

Yes, that's it! That's it!

All right, all right, all right!

Attaboy! Let's go!

Bruce, I'm coming to get you!

No one else!

F*** this!

F*** this!

F*** this!

Here I come!

[All shouting at once]

Come on, Bruce!

You can do it, Bruce!

You can do it!

[All grunting]

Good evening.

Please, take a seat.

[Groans]

Hiroshi.

Tea.

Oh, good God.

Brucie.

[Laughter]

He's so handsome.

Let me start by saying I

respect why you guys are here.

If a guy paid my daughter

to take of his clothes,

I'd want him dead too.

But I did no such thing.

Your daughters exercised

their own free will

and decided to make some extra money.

And now your daughters

are all millionaires.

None of them have to ever work again

or marry someone just

to get out of the house.

Now, you know how that happens.

Two people meet.

They get married, and in the end,

it was only so they

didn't have to go home

or so they could drive a fabulous car

like a BMW 750 or a Range Rover.

Now, do you want your daughters

spending the rest of their lives

giving out deep throat sessions

just so they can have a car

of their choice fully loaded?

No.

I think your daughters

are better than that,

and I think you're better than that too.

And for this, you want to harm me.

Why?

Before you answer that,

please finish your tea.

What's in it?

Herbs and placebos.

The two should complement

your current state.

You said millions.

How many millions?

Enough to buy 20 cruise ships.

Wow.

Each.

If that's not enough,

please...

observe.

You got a f***in'

shark in your backyard.

His name's Cody.

Like I said, millions.

You know, some of the girls even

opened up their own businesses.

- Really?

- What kind?

Well, the two girls

who live downstairs

opened up their own fashion company,

which is soon gonna be listed

on the New York Stock Exchange.

So I ask you once again,

what are you mad at?

It certainly shouldn't be me.

I hear you.

You think you could put me on the...

internet?

Do you think they'd

give us any money?

I don't know.

I'd have to talk to them.

Which ones are your daughters?

Charlotte Stearn.

Of course.

Yeah.

I see.

Codename is the Barnyard,

aka the Cucumber Kid.

[Snickering]

I'd be happy to ask her for you.

Now, if you have any other

questions or concerns,

now would be the time.

How did all this happen?

Well, my friend Andy

needed some money for school

and a hair transplant.

This just seemed to work.

Amazing.

Now, I've enjoyed

speaking with all of you,

but if you'll excuse me,

I've got to put the

finishing touches on my movie.

Now, feel free to stay,

or you can leave too.

I love...

options.

Either's fine with me.

I think I'll, um...

stay.

I'm a little too high to get in the...

[giggles]

Car.

Very well.

Hiroshi will show you to your rooms,

and thanks for coming.

Can I go down on you?

I love tongue... I mean,

tongues... infinitely.

What do you look like nude?

Looks like the wolf

got into the chicken coop.

It takes four white

b*tches to suck this dick.

I'm 20 years old, and I'm going bald.

Only now I just don't care.

Larry David, Danny

DeVito, Sean Connery, Moby,

Tony Soprano, Homer Simpson,

all great bald men.

I now wish to join their ranks.

Get busy living

or get busy dying.

That's god damn right.

Andrew?

Oh, my God.

What did you do?

Good morning, and welcome

to the EW market report.

Right now, we are about to

witness stock market history.

Two college girls are about to go public

and ring the opening bell.

Their company, Max Woods,

has reached a record

$262 million in sales

and will open at an even $75 a share.

But the interesting thing is that

these girls didn't even...

even need the money.

They were already internet millionaires.

Although questions surround

how they raised their money,

for now, let's just enjoy

another fashion company

entering an already saturated market.

[Knocks on door]

- Today's the big day.

- I know.

Be there no later

than 11:
00, little buddy.

I know.

[Laughs]

[Steady rock music]

# I have no desire #

# To lament of my pain #

# Or to feed the fire #

# Of a passion burning red #

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes