Balls Out: The Gary Houseman Story Page #5

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to vacate the premises.

Bring them home, Coach.

See you at the dance later.

Where you going, Gary?

I'm still having some issues

with the scoring system!

Oh, God.

Oh, no!

Life's nothing

unless you take some risks, Gary.

That's why tonight

you need to let it all hang out

and sweep Miss Sanchez

off her little Portuguese ta-ta's.

Punch.

So, you win big matches?

From what I saw

it wasn't looking too good, Miss Sanchez.

I'm sorry to hear that.

You can call me Norma, seor Houseman.

So... Hey, you want to go out there and...

Yes?

Thanks for the punch.

Hello, Miss Sanchez.

You look muy bonita this evening.

So, maybe I could start stopping by

after school for some one-on-one tutoring.

No. I don't like waste time.

So, what was the final damage with

that little dingleberry Tommy Tremble?

Hey, not bad. It's not a win, but not bad.

Jesus, Cappy, why aren't you out in your car

getting your dinky stinky

in some tight little cheerleader?

What is that? Punch?

I'm a little thirsty.

I'm gonna get myself a coffee.

Ask someone to dance! Jesus!

It's not that hard to say, "Hey, Norma,

"would you like to dance with me?"

Or, you know, Sally, or Betsy.

It don't matter.

Hey, what about her?

- Yeah, right.

- Come on! Give it a shot. You never know.

- But I don't know any moves.

- Moves?

This isn't Soul Train, man.

Just get out there and explore your vibe.

Watch. I'll show you.

So, Jenny, I thought you were having

a great time dancing,

but then I look over, and poof,

you're off by yourself, all sad.

Things have just gotten really heavy,

ever since my dad died.

- It's hard to explain.

- I get it.

I mean, I've never lost a parent,

but I feel like I never really had a dad.

But that's a whole other kettle of fish.

Jenny.

Hey.

It's natural to want... You know?

I mean, losing your dad, and I'm older...

I know I'm sexy.

It's just been really hard without him,

you know?

Oh, hell.

There you go.

Jenny, I don't think

we should be doing this.

It's really not a good idea.

I'm sorry.

Breathe into the pain, Jenny.

Breathe into the pain.

Jesus!

F***ing guy.

Coach Tuttle's Rottweilers! Knock it off!

Hey, Amy. Mr. D! How you doing?

- May I have a word, Gary?

- Sure.

I was just informed you were caught

dry-humping Jenny Tuttle

at the school dance.

Who told you that damn lie?

It was an anonymous phone call, Gary.

Do you deny it?

Of course not!

If you say you got an anonymous

phone call, then I believe you.

No, I mean do you deny

dry-humping Jenny Tuttle at the dance?

God, yes!

- I'm suspending you from the team.

- Because of an anonymous phone call?

Look, Gary, I like you. You've got cojones.

- Fish?

- No. Balls. Big ones.

But the sh*t keeps rolling downhill.

My ex-wife, these budget cuts,

and this damn fall Sports meeting...

But, we just got to win one out of the next

three matches and we qualify for state.

Then we make Coach Tuttle's dream

a reality.

I just can't be dealing

with a loose cannon now, Gary.

I'm sorry.

Maricar! Inside! Inside!

Damn it, Gary, this is exactly

what I'm talking about!

I thought he was staying with the Changs.

So did I! His grandpa was on board.

But his dad is not a team player.

Let's go, Amy! Stop playing with the dogs!

Who got dry-humped, Daddy?

So it's really not a big deal.

Actually, I wanted to focus more

on my custodial duties,

so the timing of this thing is pretty good.

- Pretty good.

- But why were you suspended, Coach?

Hey, I've got some weekend

hallway buffing to do.

Let's go. Come on.

Come on, let's go.

Well, you guys should probably pair up

and do some volleys or something.

If you have to know, Nibbins,

I got caught in the girls' bathroom

finger-blasting Mike's Spanish teacher

at your oh-so-precious harvest dance!

Is that what you wanted to hear, Nibbins?

Sorry.

You guys will be fine without me.

Cappy?

You could've been a champion.

- One, two, three, four, five, six, seven...

- One, two, three, four, five, six, seven...

Fore!

Move it!

- Sit the f*** down!

- Out of the way, jerk!

F*** the Huskers! F*** football!

F*** all you f***ers!

- You big f***er!

- Not the face! Ear!

Maricar? What are you doing here?

Is Gary here?

Gary? Are you in there?

Gary?

So you're just gonna run away?

I told your dad

that I'd bring home his state title.

Now I've lost my team,

and broken my promise to the only man

who ever gave me a helping hand.

My dad's gone

and now you're leaving me, too.

You're a damn quitter, Gary, and I hate you.

Awful big forehand.

Hey, if you're always free at this time,

I could sure use an assistant.

I think you'd be a hell of an asset

to this team.

I like them short.

I just wanted one!

One goddamn stick of winner's jerky.

I'm so sleepy.

Dig deep, Gary.

Come on, Coach.

- It's time to change the mold.

- F*** me.

It's beautiful, isn't it?

I love you.

Daddy?

It doesn't take a Ph.D. In dreamology

to know what that was all about, Gary.

You got to get back on the team

if they're going to have a chance

at tennis glory.

It's also clear you need Jenny and Maricar

to help make it happen.

I just don't see where...

Wait. Found it!

It feels a lot worse than it looks.

- So have you talked to Gary lately?

- No. Have you?

I kind of got mad at him yesterday.

I feel bad. He was really down, but...

Well, he hasn't said a word to me

since Coach Pimble took over.

- How's it going with Pimble?

- Sucks.

I mean, we were all pumped

about being one win from making state,

and now we're all bummed out

about being one win from making state.

So I saw you dance with Molly Sharpe

the other night.

Is it nice and tight, or all loose and floppy?

I don't...

Floppy?

You know, I didn't...

Molly and I are just friends, and...

Your shoe. You should keep it

nice and tight to avoid blisters.

Right.

Nice. Nice call.

Well, I should get back to practice.

Hey, by the way,

you were looking pretty prime at the dance.

Prime, huh?

So, boys, I know we've had

a couple of really tough losses,

but I don't think

you're hitting the balls hard enough.

So I think we should do some push-ups,

you know? Get stronger.

Coach Houseman said

tennis players should never do push-ups.

Why not?

Is there any chance Coach Houseman

will come back?

I think we should just focus

on the push-ups.

Everybody down.

Maricar, everybody.

Hey. Hey, buddy? Lower to the ground,

there, and you're gonna push up...

God damn it.

Coach P. Should know better

than to make them do push-ups.

The last thing a tennis player needs

are man-tits obstructing his strokes.

I feel better than I can ever remember.

Coach Tuttle may well be

skin-walking in my body.

Miss Sanchez! I'm really glad to see you.

- I wanted to ask you for a favor.

- I hear rumor, seor Houseman.

I hear the kids whisper

that you lose your whistle because of me.

They say we play the sexy fingers at dance.

- Kids!

- Did you say this?

No!

Yes. I'm sorry.

I made up that stupid story as an excuse

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