Balls Out: The Gary Houseman Story Page #6

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for getting suspended from the team.

Well, this very stupid. It's no nice for me

and my reputation

as good teacher and good coach.

You're definitely right. I'm really sorry.

And it's interesting

that you're bringing up coaching,

because I wanted to ask you a favor

regarding your volleyball team.

You know Jenny Tuttle, right?

Yes, I know Jenny Tootle.

She quit my volleyball tryout last year.

Would you ask her to try out

for this year's team?

She's had a rough year, and it would mean

a lot to her, and her father.

Okay, seor Houseman. Maybe I do this.

- But no more stories, okay?

- Done. Thank you.

I like the sexy fingers.

What's happening here?

Jenny.

- Gary?

- Yeah.

- What are you doing in here?

- Replenishing the tampon dispenser.

- Would you like one?

- No, thanks.

On the house.

I'm sorry about last night.

I understand if you hate me.

I don't hate you, Gary.

I like you, that's why I was upset.

That's good to hear,

because I need to ask for a favor.

You said that Mr. Daubert

and your mom are friendly, right?

Yeah.

Do you think you could get your mom

to talk to him about reinstating me?

Yeah, I'll ask her to.

- I'm glad you're no quitter, Gary.

- Me, too.

Yes, I believe her when she says

Gary didn't make a move on her.

But that's not the point, Phyllis.

Gary's a loose cannon.

If he screws up,

it's my cojones on the chopping block.

I know in my heart

it's what Lew would have wanted.

Can you feel it?

Yes, I think I can.

Look, the point is, the tennis team

is obviously causing problems.

Look, the point is, the tennis team

is obviously causing problems.

So, why don't we just cancel

the rest of their season

and funnel their budget

into the football team's sideline mist system

that we supposedly can't afford?

- Yeah!

- Yeah! I don't like tennis! Or golf.

All right, people, settle down.

Settle down. Look...

Okay, Maricar. Again.

I rob Couch Hoseman.

"I love Coach Houseman"!

I lub Hooch Cooseman.

Do we have any tennis boosters here

who care to make a comment?

Okay. Steve, want to add something here?

Well, you know, I don't think

we've been doing that badly.

We've actually won quite a few matches,

and the boys seem to be learning

a lot about sportsmanship.

And as far as Gary's suspension goes,

well, the boys actually seem to miss him.

I think they looked up to him quite a bit.

He's prone to outbursts,

but his heart is in the right place.

Come to think of it,

I think we made a pretty damn good

coaching duo.

Let's watch the language, Steve.

"I love Coach Houseman."

I rob House Couchman.

- "I...

- I...

- "...love...

...love...

- "...Coach...

...Coach...

- "...Houseman."

...House-cinnamon.

So I suggest we give them

one final chance to perform

by reinstating Gary as assistant.

If they fail to qualify for state,

we'll cut the team

and give the money to football.

- Any objections?

- Why are we still talking about tennis?

Good Lord! Can we move on to football?

Now, you've scheduled

an away game at Scottsbluff.

Now, that's seven hours away...

I rub Crotch Horseman!

I think we're actually gonna do it!

I think we're gonna make state!

Play it cool, Steve.

Making state's not that big of a deal.

You got to learn to start

setting higher goals.

Yeah! We're going to state, baby!

Oh, my hammy.

Jesus, Nibby! I set you up perfectly!

Why the hell didn't you accept

a groin-muscle rub

from a sexy girl like Jenny Tuttle?

I don't know. I just didn't.

Were those jocks right?

- Are you some kind of fag?

- No.

Hey, if you are, you are.

It's not the end of the world.

But you're in the ninth grade.

You've got plenty of time

in the future for gay sex.

If you want to come out of the closet, great.

If not, that's fine, too.

Play it cool, man. Just do your own thing.

When you get to college,

then have your cock-fest.

But I don't think that I'm gay.

Hell, you can still have sex

while you're in high school.

Just spin her over and pretend

you're pumping some dude.

- But I...

- Come on. We're on.

- Go, Cherokees, go! Go, Cherokees, go!

- Go, Cherokees, go! Go, Cherokees, go!

And this makes five years in a row

that our football warriors

have qualified for state.

What's up?

Let's give them one more Cherokee cheer!

I almost forgot.

Our tennis team qualified for state as well,

so let's give them a round of applause,

shall we?

I'll take it from here.

Allow me to introduce to you

public enemy number one,

Southpoint High's Tommy Tremble.

And now meet the team

who's gonna take him down.

Your Cherokee Tennis starting lineup!

And let's not forget

the man behind the scenes,

Coach Steve "The Bunsen Burner" Pimble.

And I'm Coach Gary Houseman,

the guy who's guaranteeing everyone here

that you've just been introduced to the next

Nebraska state tennis champions!

And tomorrow I expect

each and every one of you

to call in sick and come support our squad!

B*tch!

The pep rally was a total success.

Total success.

My only concern is where Mike's head is at.

Is he ready to win?

Ready to be a champion? Be a man?

Maybe Coach P. And I

should have a word with him.

Coach, I don't think

we should be giving alcohol to a minor.

- Why not? You an informer?

- No! No way!

Actually, I probably shouldn't be drinking

a beer the night before state.

You two need to f***ing relax.

It's just a beer.

This is exactly why I called you here, Cappy.

- To drink a beer?

- To be a man.

- By drinking a beer?

- Yes, by drinking a f***ing beer!

By understanding

that you're not going to be intimidated

by that little piece of sh*t Tommy Tremble.

Well, I don't think I've been intimidated.

Well, you haven't beaten him yet, have you?

He's just a kid. And you're a man.

And that's why you gotta drink a f***ing

beer. Because you are a f***ing man.

Hey, Gary, I thought you said it was

going to be just us three here tonight.

- We got to hide this stuff.

- It's all good, Coach.

Hi.

- Hello, boys. I'm Steffi Nash.

- No, it's "Graf"!

Whatever.

You gotta take that thing off.

We got ourselves a first-timer here.

Okay.

Tunes.

No, this is who you need to focus on.

Okay. Gary, I think I'm just gonna head out.

No way. Just stay for one song and a beer.

Don't set a puss example for Cappy.

We're trying to make a man of him,

for Christ's sake.

Feels awesome, doesn't it?

Yeah.

I'll change the tape.

Hey, Coach? I think I got to get going.

- We have her for another 20 minutes.

- I'll see you tomorrow.

Proud of you, Cappy!

Why don't you take those pants off?

I left my comb in my car.

Sweet dreams, Coach.

All right, Steffi Nash. Buckle up

that strap-on and let's get weird.

Okay, sweetie.

Okay! I'm definitely bleeding!

Oh, God, I've got puncture wounds! Gary!

State. It's a two-day tournament, gentlemen.

You can't win it on the first day,

but you can sure as hell lose it.

We've got to start strong

and finish even stronger.

Okay, when we get out of the van,

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