Bananas

Good afternoon. Wide World of Sports

is in the Republic of San Marcos

where we're going to bring you

a live, on-the-spot assassination.

They're going to kill the president

of this lovely country

and replace him

with a military dictatorship.

Everybody is about as excited

and tense as can be.

The weather this afternoon is perfect

and, if you've just joined us,

we've seen a series of colourful riots

that started with the bombing

of the American Embassy,

a ritual as old as the city itself.

Then the leader of the Labour Union,

Julio Doaz,

was dragged from his home

and beaten by an angry mob.

lt was one of the most exciting

spectacles l've ever seen.

We'll probably have a videotape

replay of that later on.

All around, there are

colourful flags and hats.

Now the moment we've been waiting for

is here. Everyone is getting quiet.

The president will leave his office

and walk down the steps of the palace.

For that, we're going down on the

playing area. Take it away, Howard.

This is tremendous, Don, just tremendous.

The atmosphere heavy,

uncertain, overtones of ugliness.

A reminder, in a way, of how it was

in March of 1964 at Miami Beach

when Clay met Liston for the first time

and nobody was certain

how it would turn out.

The crowd is tense.

They've been here since ten this morning.

And... And l think l see...

the door beginning to open.

El presidente may be coming out.

The door opens. lt's he.

lt's El presidente.

He turns!

And down!

lt's over. lt's all over

for El presidente!

This reporter is going to get to him,

if he can, through this mob

for one last word before he expires.

As you can see,

this crowd is not to be trifled with.

They're in a frenzy. They're trying

to get over to El presidente

even as l am trying to do now.

Would you people let me through?

This is American television.

American television.

Please let me through.

We're getting through now.

Here we are. Here we are. Sir.

Sir, you've been shot.

When did you know it was all over?

Fascist... dictator.

You're upset. That's understandable

under the circumstances.

l guess now you'll have to announce

your retirement.

Well, good luck to you, sir.

Now, if you folks will bear

with me for a moment,

l'm going to try and get in a word

with the new dictator of San Marcos.

That's assuming l can get through

this noisy, demonstrative crowd.

l wonder if you people

would let me through.

l see the general off in the distance.

The new dictator

talking to one of his men.

Excuse me. Excuse me, sir.

General. General, congratulations.

General Emilio Molina Vargas.

General, a word from you,

if you will, sir, for our viewers.

For many years, l have waited for

this day, but now l am the state.

You may say that, sir, but many

important diplomats contend

that you remain

the most hated man in the state.

l will shut down the newspapers.

l will train my soldiers.

We'll find the rebels.

They may be in the form of democratic

guerrilla factions off in the hills.

No, sir. We'll find them. Don't worry.

- Good luck to you, sir.

- Thank you, sir.

Well, you've heard it with your own eyes.

Now we're going to have to see

what the future brings.

Now, from the little dictatorship

of San Marcos in Latin America,

let's go back to Jim McLane

in our studios in New York.

Gentlemen, the Exec-usiser.

The latest work-in-progress

at General Equipment.

lt's only in the development stage,

but it should be in the market

within two years.

lt certainly looks impressive.

The Exec-usiser is a device to help

busy executives exercise

without ever pausing

in their crowded work schedule.

More Americans suffer heart attacks

from lack of exercise.

You know why? Because there aren't

enough hours in the day

to keep physically fit and still function

effectively in one's business.

This is Mr Fielding Mellish,

our research tester,

who will demonstrate the Exec-usiser.

Every part of the body receives

an adequate exercise work-out.

The pedalling develops the muscles

to keep the leg muscles flexible.

When Mr Mellish pulls the drawer out,

a weight has to be lifted

on top of the desk which exercises

his arms and his back muscles.

The telephones are both spring activated.

Both muscles in the biceps are given

a work-out to sustain flexible arms.

On the back wall,

there's a handle for each arm.

As he pulls, the back muscles

are brought into action

in a manner that keeps

the back flexible and strong.

The basketballs

at the side of the machine,

as they're handled by Mr Mellish,

develop reflexes.

- How many can you put out a year?

- We'd like you to manufacture them.

We can let you have the idea,

let you have our package.

We can let you have it all

on a royalty basis.

We can show you how to turn it out.

We can show you how to save money.

- And you think it'll sell?

- No question.

lf we can get it in the office,

we can get it in the armed forces.

You'll do business

with the US government.

l'm not suited to this job.

Where do l come off testing products?

Machines hate me.

l should be working at a job that

l have some kind of aptitude for.

Donating sperm

to an artificial insemination lab.

- Every day we gotta hear this.

- Why did l quit college?

- l could've been something today.

- What would you have been?

l don't know.

l was in the Black Studies programme.

By now, l could've been black.

- ..consistent loser at the table.

- That's my weakness. l lose.

- l don't know what l'll do tonight.

- Get a date. We'll double.

- Ok, l'll call Barbara.

- Have her bring a friend.

- Forget it.

- l had a date. She called it off.

- There's a dock strike.

- See what Norma's doing.

- She's always ready for action.

- Who?

You... You busy tonight?

Some old friends are coming over.

We're gonna show

some pornographic movies.

You need an usher?

You're cute. l'm busy.

Get a copy of Time magazine

and l think l'll take Commentary

and the Saturday Review.

And... let's see, Newsweek.

l'll just... grab one of these.

Take 'em all.

Fifty, a dollar, dollar and a quarter...

Hey, Ralph,

how much is a copy of Orgasm?

- Just put 'em in a bag, will you?

- What?

Orgasm. This man wants to buy a copy.

How much is it?

Doing a sociological study on perversion.

l'm up to advanced child molesting.

Come back. Back, back.

More, more, more.

Back, back, back.

Hi. l'm collecting names on a petition

to request our government

to break relations with San Marcos

which is ruled

by a military brutal dictatorship

opposed to any concept

of civil liberties. Would you sign?

Sure.

- l'm sorry. l broke the point.

- That's Ok.

Want to come in? l have a pencil.

And l'll give you another pencil.

Have you been following it

in the newspapers?

Soon there's gonna be a revolution

in San Marcos.

The United States should support

the rebels and not the dictatorship,

which, as you know, has been our history.

What do you do?

l'm a products tester

Rate this script:2.0 / 1 vote