Bandslam Page #2

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You are a weirdo, aren't you, Will Burton?

KAREN:

She wants you to do this every week?

You know, just 'cause someone

tells you to do something

doesn't mean you have to do it.

Why is she still here?

I thought you trained these dogs

at Aunt Nan's kennel.

She's getting placed tomorrow,

with a lady who has tummy issues.

Yeah. Right, Mazzy? Mazzy, Maalox.

So, now, since when are you so interested

in daycare?

Since when do you talk to the dogs

like that?

Since when did you get so good

at changing the subject?

-That's appetizing.

-Yeah, and it's not Maalox. Mazzy, Maalox.

So, what's this Charlotte like?

Not only is she the coolest person

who's ever spoken to me,

she's potentially the coolest person

on the whole planet.

But please,

don't make a big deal about it, okay?

-ls she pretty?

-Mom!

We are not going to sit here,

do each other's nails

and gossip about crushes, okay?

Not gonna happen.

Tylenol is not Maalox.

Well, it's not a bad idea. High five!

You walk home from school?

School bus waits for no one.

Not even art class.

Hey, want to see the coolest place ever?

(SlGHS)

-My dad used to bring me here.

-ls he dead?

No. Take it back.

I take it back. Sorry.

Just the way you were talking about him.

No, I'm sorry.

It's just last summer he got sick,

and I don't like putting stuff like that

into the universe, you know?

Can I ask a question?

You're a senior.

-Was that the end of the question?

-Why are you hanging out with me?

I don't do whys.

Okay. The Velvet Underground.

(FEMME FATALE PLAYlNG)

If I'm going to teach you the basics,

we might as well start with the best.

Well, actually,

if we're gonna start with the Velvets,

I'd rather listen to the 1969 self-titled

The Velvet Underground.

Unless you think the band went downhill

when Lou Reed fired John Cale.

Who are you?

Will.

Do you know a lot about music?

Yeah.

-Why hasn't this come up before?

-We didn't really have a before.

Good point.

-My dad's a musician.

-No way. Have I heard of him?

No, he's what they call a sideman.

If The Who need a keyboard

during their tour,

or Sonic Youth wants a synth part

on a track...

Wait, he tours with The Who?

I know it sounds cool, but I mean,

it just means he's never around.

That's why my mom divorced him.

So, what's the deal with the whole

Bandslam thing? It's like a town obsession.

Yeah. That's because the winner

gets an actual bona fide record deal.

WlLL:
Seriously?

CHARLOTTE:
Yep. Seriously.

Do any other bands from the school enter?

Going up against Glory Dogs

would be like burning the American flag.

-Then why'd you quit?

-I told you, I don't do whys.

Besides, I'm thinking

of starting another band.

Hey, come hear us jam on Saturday.

Give us the benefit

of your vast musical knowledge.

-I don't really do well in groups.

-Always do the thing that scares you.

(DRUMS BEATlNG)

OMAR:
Hello, London!

(PLAYlNG I WANT YOU TO WANT ME)

(SlNGlNG) I want you to want me

I need you to need me

I'd love you to love me, yeah

And I'm begging you to beg me

Shine up the old brown shoes

Put on a brand-new shirt

Get home early from work

lf you say that you love me

Didn't l, didn't l, didn't I see you crying?

Didn't l, didn't l, didn't I see you crying?

(MUSIC STOPS)

-Who's this?

-Oh!

Hey! This would be the coolest kid ever.

Knows absolutely everything about music.

Guys, this is Will. Will, this is guys.

-What's up?

-So, what do you think?

BUG:
I mean, it's pretty tasty, huh?

Did you catch how, like, my bass line,

it shadowed his lead guitar?

I mean, it was almost like I was a bodyguard

for his riff, dude. He was like...

(lMlTATlNG GUlTAR)

And I was like... And he was like...

And I was like... And he was like...

WlLL:
Dear David Bowie, how do you tell

Pinocchio he'll never be a real boy?

Okay, okay!

Okay!

Look, I know you're going for this kind of

Thin Lizzy, dual guitar,

third-above harmony.

-Right.

-But, I mean, it's tough, sonically,

to pull off, because you can't

get the bass sound fat enough,

or even in the same octave

to create any real presence.

Especially if your instruments

aren't exactly tuned to each other.

-(lN BRlTlSH ACCENT) I bloody well told you!

-Did you? When?

Bug, you stupid git, I don't need any

more of your bloody nonsense.

I don't need any

of your bloody Englishisms.

You're not English, Omar, you are

from Newark. Get that hand out of my...

Hey, wait, wait, whoa, whoa. Can it.

Look, we were afraid of sounding too slick.

No, you're safe.

What else?

I mean,

they don't really want to hear what l...

No, what else?

I can't stress how badly

you need an actual drummer.

Well, what about me, then?

No offense, but it seems

like you're trying way too hard

to be Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

I am not.

Okay. It's just with all the jumping around

and the shorts...

Come on, man. I don't want to be Flea.

I don't even like Flea.

-Yeah, what's your name?

-Bug.

-I mean, what's the band called, anyway?

-Glory Dogs.

Isn't that the name of the other band?

No. They're Ben Wheatly

and the Glory Dogs.

Like Bruce Springsteen

and the E Street Band,

or Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers.

You get it?

That way, he can fire whoever he wants to

whenever he wants to,

and it stays his band.

Look, are we through here,

because I'm starving.

Yes. Come on.

So, Will, every Saturday at noon, right here.

OMAR:
And don't be late.

BUG:
So, Omar, where exactly in England

is New Jersey?

OMAR:
Bug, leave it out.

Miles Feltenstien is a puzzle.

An enigma.

A sphinx.

(SCHOOL BELL RlNGlNG)

-So, I guess we should get together again.

-WlLL:
Okay, sure. What about your house?

Can you have friends over?

Friends. Don't have those.

Me neither.

Maybe we could not have friends together.

Actually, I might have one friend.

You know Charlotte Barnes?

-Since I was 10. She's a senior.

-Yeah, I thought that was weird, too.

So there's a 50% chance

that I might be the punch line

to some elaborate practical joke,

but she seems pretty sincere.

Are you friends?

Ever hear a stutterer laugh?

Ha.

Ha.

-Be careful, Will.

-Why?

Leopards and cheerleaders

don't change their spots.

She's a cheerleader?

Was. Last year. Junior prom queen, too.

That's amazing to me.

I mean, she seems so...

Not.

She's got her own Wikipedia page.

(TlRES SCREECHlNG)

(ROCK MUSlC PLAYlNG ON RADlO)

You're head cheerleader?

I read your Wikipedia page.

Was. That was last year. Another life.

Hey, I notice you never say anything

about my vocals.

Afraid I'll stop being your friend

if you rip me a new one?

What? No. You're amazing.

-Don't get infatuated with me.

-I'm not getting infatuated with you!

Please, Louise!

You'd eat my laundry for a month if I asked.

But I'm never going to ask you, Will.

This has just become

my new least favorite memory.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we get it.

Hey, Charlotte.

-What's up, guys?

-BUG:
Hey.

BEN:
What's going on? Omar.

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