Bang the Drum Slowly Page #2

Well, don't it look

quite obvious?

Well, they can't do that.

Paging Mr. Wiggen.

Paging Mr. Henry Wiggen.

Please pick up

the house telephone.

Forget it, Arthur.

Stick around, hang on.

It's the boss.

I got to go, Joe.

Damn it, Arthur, stick around!

Fair? You call that fair?

I was taught in school

where slavery went out

when Lincoln was shot!

Yeah, so you wrote

across your contract.

Not across my contract.

Maybe the contract

of turnstile turner.

Young players

often end up

old turnstile turners.

All right, let's all calm down.

You're looking very healthy

this morning.

Henry, you keep talking

about $125,000.

I can't do business

that way.

We'll just have to get along

without him.

Some of those pitchers out there

yesterday afternoon

looked very promising.

So I hear.

Any one of them might win

four or five games

if God drops everything else.

I have in my mind

an absolute maXimum figure of...

$60,000.

If you have a good year

this year

we'll make it back

to you neXt year.

I will go on year after year

being paid for the year before.

Now, that shorts me a year

in the long run.

We've heard

this one before.

Every time Bradley Lord

opens his mouth

I'm raising

my absolute minimum figure.

All right, Henry...

Bradley. Bradley!

I have in my mind

an absolute maXimum figure

of $60,000.

But she has in her heart

$10,000 more.

That's $70,000.

I'd think you'd jump

at that arrangement.

Leap at that arrangement.

I'll take it.

Good.

Well, then it's settled.

There's something I want

instead of money.

Nothing is instead of money.

Oh, money can buy nothing

but happiness.

There's one clause yet

to go in my contract.

All right, shoot.

There must be a clause saying

that I and Bruce Pearson

will stay with the club together

or else go together.

Whatever happens to one,

must happen to the other...

traded, sold, whatever.

We got to be tied in a package

on any deal under the sun.

I never heard

of such a thing.

No. Absolutely out of

the question.

Reason one, Dutch would never

hear of such a thing.

Look here, Henry

if you want to have

to get started this way

you better just watch out.

Bradley, now let's just think

before we speak.

Look, we won't bother

to write it down.

I give you my solemn word.

No verbal words...

must be wrote in.

Bradley, call Dutch.

It's his one day off.

Call him.

They should put zippers

on pajamas.

Tell him your clause.

Oh. So it's you with

the special clause, Arthur.

I'll bet it's a dilly.

Bradley, run and get me

a wet rag, huh?

Everybody thinks

they're special.

Sterling must be shot

for hay fever

with medicine made

out of the piss of a horse

Darochi must have

contact lenses

Gonzales must have a buddy

along to translate in Spanish

and Goldman must go home

for Passover.

What do you want now, Arthur,

Chinese New Year's?

I want a clause tying me

in a package with Pearson.

I'll bet he owes you money.

Jesus, Bradley.

You ain't got much strength

in your hands.

What do you mean

tied in a package?

If he's sold, I must be sold

or if he's traded,

I must be traded same place.

Wherever he goes, I go.

Well, this is telling me

who I must keep and who not

which nobody ever told me before

and nobody will ever tell me

again as long as I'm upright.

If it's money,

talk money and good luck.

They own all the banks.

Talking money's one thing

but talking business is another

and I'd as soon as trade the

whole club for a tin of beans

as leave anyone tell me who

stays and who gets cut loose.

I'm sorry to hear that

because without that clause,

there'll be no contract.

Well, then there'll

be no contract

and I must suffer along

the best I can.

Several of those young pitchers

looked good out there yesterday.

Yeah?

Good for what?

Will you go sell insurance?

You don't know a soul on Earth

to sell insurance to

outside of ball players.

Will you sell insurance

to other insurance agents, huh?

And where will you find

people with money,

with the language you speak?

Henry, I hardly ever

even saw you wear a necktie.

Bradley...

shut up, will you?

Go get me a Coke.

What's up between you two,

Arthur?

What are you, a couple

of fairies, or something?

That can't be.

It's been a long time since I

run across fairies in baseball.

Jesus.

This is too much for me.

Oh, you'll understand it

sometime.

When?

Oh, I don't know,

maybe soon, maybe not.

Oh, I'll certainly be hanging

from my thumb, waiting to hear.

Christ Almighty, I've seen you

on days when you hated Pearson

when you ate him out as bad

as I myself ever ate him out.

I saw you once get up

from the table and walk away.

Well, that could be

love as well as hate.

It ain't love.

I didn't mean fairy love.

I remember one time

you come storming

into my office.

You caught him pissing

in the sink in Pittsburgh.

Cleveland.

Urinating.

Does this clause go on

forever? Hmm?

I have four catchers.

I have a catcher that's sold

on the sauce

and a Black catcher

that cannot hit

and a motorcycle catcher,

wild and crazy

and Pearson,

who's just plumb dumb.

I'd give both my right eyes

for Sam Mott of Cincinnati

but Cincinnati wants Arthur

and I can't give Arthur

or if I give you, I must have

Scutter or Faulkland

which the son of a b*tches

won't give me

eXcept for all

my right-hand power.

I could spare

my right-hand hitting

if I got Diel with Pittsburgh

but Pittsburgh wants Arthur

and I've already given you

to Cincinnati

on paper for Sam Mott.

So...

I must play my old catcher

on days when

he gets himself sorted out

and play my Black catcher on

days when my hitting is hitting

and play my motorcycle catcher

on days he ever comes

to his senses...

which so far, he's given me

no sign of really having any.

I'll ship him down

to Queen City

and see if they can talk him

off his motorcycle.

We must never have another

motorcycle in camp!

I've been trying for days

to get some sleep.

You know, when I stop

and think about it

I'm liable to wind up using

my plumb dumb catcher

more and more.

Some day you'll understand.

Nah, nah, forget about it.

That's too much to ask.

All right.

I will agree to the clause.

I've never done

such a thing before

and I wouldn't do it now...

eXcept there's a look

in your eye

that tells me I've got to.

Oh, Bruce.

- Yeah.

- Bye.

Have a good trip, okay?

Okay, I will.

Thank you.

- Hey, Holly? Holly.

- What?

You drive careful now.

All right.

Bye-bye, boys.

I'm going to miss you.

I love you.

I love you.

I'll call you collect

tonight, okay?

- Please.

- I will.

Bye-bye. Bye, Bruce.

Bye.

Oh, boy, I hope

if it happens

it don't happen

at a bad hour.

It might or might not

probably never happen.

I have no faith

in those cockeyed

doctors up there.

Curveball.

Too bad a fellow

can't pitch spit.

Yeah, I'd have lots

of breaking stuff around.

Slider.

You see the dip on that?

Arthur, if you was on one club

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