Barbershop Page #2

I don't know.

When I'm finished with her, you'll remember!

I can't believe you got someone.

You gonna make me catch a case

before I go to work?

- Where you going?

- Nowhere!

Get up! I dare you!

Honey, cover your face now.

Hey, how can I help you today?

Okay.

I want a grande, triple non-fat, half-decaf...

...soy milk, French roast,

caramel cappuccino.

Okay? Now, with just a splash...

...just a splash of hazelnut.

Okay?

And orange extract.

The extra foam in a separate cup.

I'll have to spoon it on myself

because y'all never get it right.

You understand? Thank you.

A**hole.

- You have to find the guys, Officer.

- Okay.

We'll take you inside

and get your information.

We'll be right with you.

Look at my store!

Then I walked in like pah-dow!

Know what I'm saying?

Ass so big,

it look like two midgets in a sleeping bag!

Tyrone.

Can we talk about something

other than big, fat, juicy asses, please?

- We could talk about something else.

- But why?

When does a woman

just have too much ass?

Ass is like money.

You can never have too much.

Hey, Ricky. Just the man I want to see.

Hey, Ricky. yo!

School these boys on your philosophy

about ass because they can't distinguish...

...between a woman with a big ass

and a big-ass woman.

Hold tight. It's mathematics, cuz.

It's the ratio.

Now if you measure around

a woman's waist, right?

Measure around that ass,

you come up with a ratio about 3-5.

Okay.

Now that means that a 24-inch waist...

...is gonna yield a 40-inch ass.

- The mathematics is correct, right?

- That's good, right?

- You with me?

- Yo.

So give me an example.

I mean, break it down.

Okay, all right.

Jennifer Lopez.

Right? Woman with a big ass!

- Now, on the other side, we got...

- Right.

...Mother Love.

Big-ass woman!

Good morning.

What's up?

Hey, you have any idea

who poked that hole in Samir's store?

No.

You sure about that?

Just playing with you, man. Relax.

Hey, how you doing, Detective?

What's going on across the street?

I'm on this convenience store thing,

so somebody's getting locked up.

- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah. Ricky here?

No, he'll be in a little later, though.

You don't think he had nothing

to do with that.

Ricky's been keeping his nose clean

ever since he's been working here.

Hey, Rick.

- Come in the back?

- That's my girl.

Yeah. She got big drawers.

That's all right, though.

Is this chair free?

I figured not. You mind

just trimming me up a little bit?

Why you come over here, dog?

- Why you sweating me?

- Are you sweating, Richard?

You're a two-time felon.

One more, it's all over for you, brother.

Calvin went out on a limb

for you with this job, man.

I mean, why you want to play him like that?

We got a surveillance tape from the camera

at the check-cashing place next door...

...and by the end of the day,

I will know something.

You understand?

- Later, Calvin.

- All right.

Yeah. Yo, I got to go, man.

All right, man?

I love you, boo.

See you later, baby.

What's up, man?

All right.

- What you singing?

- What?

What are you singing at?

Mind your business.

Here come Jumbo Mutumbo!

Where I come from,

to have girth is a sign of opulence.

- What the hell did he just say?

- He said in Africa, fat people got loot.

- I heard they circumcise women, too.

- How you gonna do that?

- Anything that's extra, theyjust clip it off.

- Come on.

-All right, fellas, I'm free. Who's next?

- Not me.

Not me.

-L'm cool, man.

- Forget you.

Thought you had a Negro membership card?

Soaked up some BET,

memorized some Tu pac.

Shut up, Jimmy.

Calvin wouldn't give me a chair

if I couldn't cut heads.

Three days, front chair, no customers.

What's up?

Kill that noise. You know everyone

starts out in the first chair.

That's exactly where you started.

Listen up! I don't want no trouble!

Just give me your wallet and your jewelry,

won't be no problem.

Hey, don't you make me...

What's wrong? You one of them rappers?

What's that? You got a Rolex

or a platinum chain?

- Eddie.

- What?

Get your ass here. Leave the boys alone!

Sit your old ass down!

You read him?

That boy almost turned over the money!

You all right, brother! You all right!

Shaking, shaking a little bit!

He was shaking like booty meat!

Wasn't it good? I had him.

I had him shaking like Don Knotts

in a card game or something.

Remember, we're raising money

for Johnnie Brown's raggedy shoes.

Scout will be here!

I need $20.

Let's give it up. Come on.

You all right. We need some more money.

We need it right now.

You smell good, Terri. Is that Obsession?

Five minutes.

- What'd she say?

- Hey, man. Where you going?

You see that attitude?

She can't cut my hair. I'll be back later.

- Don't be scared.

-I'm free. I'll cut your hair.

No, I'm straight, dog.

Motherf***er.

Who drank my apple juice?

Y'all don't hear me?

Who drank my goddamn apple juice?

Terri!

Stop cussing! This ain't Def Comedy Jam.

- I put a big-ass red--

- Terri! Stop cussing!

I put a big red sign saying:

"Do not drink me."

Maybe no one drank it.

Maybe it evaporated.

I'll slap you. Don't get on my bad side.

You've been here just a minute.

Girl, it's not like a bottle

of Hennessey or nothing!

-It's just some funky-ass apple juice.

- This is my funky-ass apple juice.

I don't touch nobody else's stuff--

- Hey, Terri...

- What?

Jimmy drank your apple juice.

- Hey, hold up--

- Why'd you touch my apple juice?

- Excuse me.

- I don't want your cooties.

- Did you see me drink it?

- I didn't have to, you asked about it.

Do you have ocular proof? Did you see me?

-"Ocular"?

- What'd I just say?

- I said I didn't have to see you drink it--

- Oh, sh*t.

- I don't have to see you--

- What'd you see?

- Say you ain't drink it.

- Did you see--

Knock his college ass out!

Hey! Come on! Come on!

No, Calvin, let them go!

This ain't the projects.

This is a place of business.

Calvin, your father wouldn't put up

with this mess. You have to handle this.

Checker Fred,

just sit there and play checkers.

- Do I look like my father?

- Yeah.

- Yes, you do.

- In the nose, right here.

DVDs, CDs.

Not today, man.

Whatever you want, man.

Got the new DMX, baby!

Just go on out, go.

Put somebody out. Always.

I'm never coming in this shop again.

It's a possibility

that Jimmy drank your apple juice.

Small possibility.

But nobody saw him. You didn't see him.

So all you can ask--

That's not fair, you're taking his side.

I'm not taking his side. Ask the man.

If he says yeah, kick his ass,

if he says no, then squash it.

Ask him.

Did you drink my apple juice?

Did you? Inquiring minds want to know.

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