Barely Legal

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1

So, girls, what are we gonna do

for our birthday?

Sue, we have plenty of time.

To figure something out.

But this is the big 1... 8.

I mean, every year since our moms

met in the hospital,

We've done something new

and special,

But this has to be newer

and more special.

So what's something

we've never done before?

- Mushrooms?

- No, not like that.

Like something nice.

- Like maybe a trip.

- Like a mushroom trip?

No.

Sorry, Sue. I have a date.

So do I. Sorry, Sue.

Don't worry, Sue.

We'll figure it out.

- Oh, flowers. Are these from you?

- Yeah. Sure.

Here you go.

No card? But I thought I saw one.

I didn't know

how to put my feelings into words.

I guess, um...

You still make me...

Nervous.

Oh, Jake.

Maybe I should come in

and hang out for a minute.

Uh, no, Jake. Not yet.

When we do it,

I want it to be really special,

- The best night of my life.

- It will be, I promise.

It'll always be amazing.

With you and me together.

Jake, no. I have to go.

I have to work on my art project.

You know, I thought art was

gonna be a really easy elective,

But guess I should have

taken more math. Heh.

Uh, so you're gonna come

to my birthday, okay?

- This saturday?

- Of course.

Thanks.

Okay, bye.

Not bad.

- Hello.

- Cheryl,

we have to talk about

our birthday plans.

I mean, it's only two days away,

and we still haven't decided

the perfect way to celebrate.

So I was thinking

maybe we could all take a trip to...

Oh, Sue, um,

I meant to tell you before,

But I wanted to be sure.

Um, I think I'm gonna spend

my birthday with jake.

Uh, I'm gonna lose my virginity to him.

You know, I want to surprise him.

What? But you can't.

I mean, I thought we were

going to wait until marriage.

Besides, you can't do that to us.

You can't break tradition that way.

This is bad.

You know, I'm gonna tell Lexi.

She's gonna be very unhappy

about this.

Come on, Lexi.

Oh, baby, you're so hot.

- I'm gonna do you so good.

- Oh, yeah, baby?

- Yeah.

- What was your name again?

Rod, sex god.

That's right.

That's the body of a real man.

Oh, sorry. I just gotta get my phone.

Oh, it's an sos from Sue. Hold on.

My contacts.

Go time.

No. Wait.

I need to find my contacts.

They're in here somewhere.

- Oh, there's one.

- Nipple.

- Sorry.

- I didn't say stop, though.

Hit them both.

Oh, hey.

It's my buddy JJ. Is that cool?

Oh. Uh, uh... okay. I guess.

As long as you told him

I'm still a virgin, So no f***ing.

Oh.

Oh.

Lexi is so upset, she's speechless.

Yeah, right. I bet.

Oh, my gosh.

Bye.

Oh, my gosh.

Five orgasms in a row.

Oh, there's my contact.

Cheryl's losing her virginity

on saturday?

Oh, no.

Does not compute.

Want to talk...

- In person...

- Asap.

- Oh.

- Huh. I Hi.

So when did you get home?

- So is it true?

- Yes, it is.

It's just it's the right time,

And jake's the right man.

I mean, he's handsome

and smart and wealthy,

And he has a really bright future

ahead of him,

So I just think it's the right time.

Lexi, tell her.

Losing our virginity

is one of those milestones.

We all have to face together.

On our birthday, yes,

but not on this birthday.

Like maybe on our 23rd birthday

Or maybe even like our twenty... Ni...

Eighth, maybe.

Listen, guys, um, I know it's tradition,

but sorry.

But, Cheryl, sue is right.

We do always do something special

on our birthda...

Does Jake really have Such a tiny,

little needle dick?

It's not Jake.

It's the male ideal,

Like a greek god or sue's dad.

Right.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

I mean, it kinda sucks.

I'm not really an artist.

Girls, can you just stop

changing the subject?

The point is we should all lose

our virginities together...

on the same day,

and I'm just not ready yet.

I'm waiting for a sign,

and then I'll know it's right.

Look, I can go either way.

I mean, I'm fine with just 69, 79, anal.

I don't feel any rush to actually

do the deed.

Besides, I know it'll never live up

to my rabbit anyway.

But if you want to do it this year, then...

...maybe we all should.

You know, it could be like our big

18th birthday thing.

Where are you going?

It's 6:
30 in the morning.

To church to pray for you.

Want to be first in line.

Well, I'm getting some sleep.

Yeah, me, too.

Forgive me, father,

for I have sinned.

It has been four days since

my last confession.

I accuse myself

of the following sins...

Mm... Hmm.

Okay, so I... I'm really embarrassed

to talk about this, but...

It's about sex.

Uh... Huh.

I mean, not me. I've... I've never gone

past second base with a guy.

Uh... Huh.

I... I've never even seen a guy's...

Well, there was that one time

I took the pants off my ken doll,

But I was dressing him up as Jesus,

and I... I wanted to see his thing,

But there was nothing there.

Okay, so it's about my friends,

My best friends.

They're gonna do something

really bad this weekend.

Okay. Third base.

What? No, like sex.

Like intercourse.

With boys they barely even know.

I mean, they really need

a sinnervention,

if you know what I mean.

All the way. Go all the way.

What are do...

How could you do s...

You're a bad, bad person.

What?

Yes. Yes!

Run! Run! H... Home ru...

Damn it.

F***ing yankees.

Sorry.

Sue, it is one p.m.

Would you have a little consideration?

I'm trying to sleep.

Jeez, can you guys

please keep it down?

I have an announcement to make.

I want to do it.

Do you hear me? I want to do it.

This weekend on our birthday.

Do what?

It, screw.

You know, screwing, boning,

making beast with two backs.

You know, shagging, F***ing!

You do?

Uh, but what about all your

religious stuff,

and, um, what about your sign

from heaven?

- Oh, I got a sign at church.

- Really?

Well, okay, great.

We're all in then.

So we'll have a big pool party,

and we'll do it there, right?

Right.

I'll start making the shopping list.

I wonder what Jake's gonna

get me for my birthday?

Maybe it's a ring.

Or maybe it's like a rescue puppy.

Oh. It'll be like the start

of our new family.

Hey, check it out.

So gross.

Uh, but you better put that away

before sue sees it.

She'll have a heart attack.

Uh, Lexi, your bra, it has no cups.

Yeah. Hence the term cupless bra.

I don't know.

Do you think it's hot enough?

No. I think it's ridiculous.

It's like an oxymoron, like

hairless wig or fingerless gloves...

- Mm, is it hot enough?

- Or nonstick glue.

Or like crotchless panties.

Oh, right.

Thank you for reminding me.

Party favors!

Oh.

Well! That's so wrong.

I know. Horrible. Doesn't vibrate.

It's broken. It's okay, though.

I have another one.

What?

You prefer that?

Well, which is it, Sue,

manual or automatic?

Wait. You mean...

Are you saying...

You've never masturbated?

- No.

- Like no, never?

- No, never.

- Seriously, like never ever?

- No.

- Uh, like never even in your sleep?

Or when you're bored?

Or when you're just anxious?

Like in the morning

to help you wake up?

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