Barely Legal Page #2

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Or at night to help you fall asleep?

Or when you think about Jake

and my's new puppy?

Yeah. Or when you go to visit.

Your dead brother's grave?

Or when you witness a murder?

Or when you put on lipstick

and it gets on your teeth?

Or when you start going sky diving?

Or when you max out all

your credit cards?

Or when you play jigsaw

with your grandmother?

- Or just because?

- Because you're really f***ing horny?

No, never.

Like never, ever, ever, ever, ever.

- But seriously, never?

- Never.

Look, can we just drop it?

We have a whole house to decorate.

Yeah, okay.

I just still can't get over it.

- Hey, Frank.

- Oh. Hi, Sue.

Guys, we didn't invite frank

to the party.

I don't know.

Do you think he'd even have fun?

Yeah. He's blind.

Blind people can do everything

regular people can do.

He's not waving back.

Frank. Hey. Um, I was wondering.

Well, the house looks done.

Tomorrow's the big day.

We finally turn 18.

And finally lose our virginity.

Well, we better get our beauty sleep,

because the party starts tomorrow

at 2:
00.

So, okay, we know who Cheryl's

gonna do it with, Jake.

And I'll probably do that guy Rod.

But, Sue, who are you gonna pick

to pop your Cherry?

It's easy.

I've known for the past six years,

ever since catechism.

What the f*** is catechism?

I think it's a baby panda wrapped

in peanut butter.

Oh, my soul mate.

Chris?

Sue, you, um, might want to think

about picking a backup.

- I mean...

- What? No. Chris is perfect.

He played Jesus in Jesus Christ

superstar last year at camp.

Plus his name is Chris. It's a sign.

Sue, the only sign is that Chris.

Has a major case of gay face.

What? He does not.

Anyway, there's no such thing

as gay face.

He looks just like Justin Bieber.

With a little bit of Zac Efron.

And just a hint of Ryan Seacrest.

Who the f***'s Ryan Seacrest?

Look, Chris is my soul mate.

Okay, well, sweet dreams.

See you in the morning.

I knew it would happen someday.

I just didn't expect

it to happen so soon.

You're so perfect.

I knew that's what it looked like.

Too bad no one could ever

compare to you.

Wow.

You are perfect.

Who are you?

Tomorrow's the day.

Oh, my gosh. They're coming.

Lexi! Cheryl! Hurry!

Eww. Why?

It's for jake to unwrap me.

It's gonna be really sexy.

I'm gonna surprise him.

You're gonna die of asphyxiation.

It's gonna be really sexy.

It's stupid. Just screw him.

That's what he wants.

That's what all guys want.

- Who hurt you as a child?

- Oh, Christ.

Can I wrap your mouth, too?

Anyway, what guys want.

Is someone who's sexy,

Not someone

they can just have sex with.

You're an idiot,

A very smooth,

plastic... Wrapped idiot.

- Thank you.

- Guys, seriously. Come on. Hurry up.

Oh.

Oh, what a cool bracelet.

I love it.

Um...

You should put that down,

though, 'cause it's like...

It's very fragile.

- Yeah.

- Okay.

- Set it down.

- Yeah.

- Hurry up.

- Morning.

Those were your anal beads, right?

- Yeah.

- Yeah, I thought so.

Oh, this party's hot.

Whoa. Hold up.

- Oh, we gonna Have some fun.

- Oh, attack of the wet t... shirts.

Nice.

Ah, gonna get... chair, chair, chair.

Happy birthday, Lex.

No. Joanna, we said no gifts.

That is lip poison to plump your lips,

but be careful. It stings.

And the other one is...

edible massage oil.

Oh, how do you know?

I'm gonna use both of these tonight.

Buster, you're such a cutie.

Please don't touch my service dog.

Right. Sorry.

Are you okay now?

- Yeah, I'm fine.

- Okay.

- See you later.

- Thank, okay.

I can't believe you haven't heard of it.

- This is crazy.

- Oh. Wait. I gotta...

- Jake. Hi.

- Oh. Hey, babe.

Happy birthday.

Oh, you didn't have to give me anything.

What? You want a beer?

No.

Oh, hon. Come here.

I have your present here.

I'll give it to you later

when the time's right.

You didn't have to get me anything.

And I have a present for you

that I want you to unwrap later.

Hey, bro.

We need you to settle this bet

Over here real quick.

What bet?

All right, this is my man right here.

- Hey. Hi. How you doing?

- Hey.

Dare me?

Ready?

One, two, three.

- Oh, dude, look at those.

- Are those real?

Hey, you guys seen Cheryl?

- Hey! Ah! Dude, move!

- Come on. Lame.

Oh. All right. Okay.

- I'll see you guys later.

- Move!

- Go do some push... Ups or something.

- Ah, look. B*obs.

20 bucks says by the end of the day,

- I will be motorboating those titties.

- Yeah.

They're fake anyways.

- Who cares?

- Okay.

Tit... tays.

Oh. Oh, dude, dude.

Look at those breasts.

Have you seen a rack like that before?

I'm blind, you f***ing a**hole.

Sue, no. It's your birthday.

Here. Let me.

Joanna, no.

Just go enjoy the party.

It's not...

I win.

Hey. Do my lips look any plumper?

I put the stuff on,

but I can't really feel anything yet.

Have you guys seen Jake?

I haven't seen him anywhere.

He just, like, disappeared.

Are these real?

Of course they are.

- I'm just wondering.

- How come I've never met you before?

I don't know.

Maybe you just don't be around.

Darryl, have you seen Jake?

Um, I think he's around or something.

Maybe upstairs. I don't know.

- So...

- So...

Maybe he went to go get...

...my birthday present.

That's probably where he went.

Whoa, whoa.

- Liquid courage?

- Yeah.

Attagirl.

- Vodka cranberry?

- Shirley temple.

Well, I guess it's now or never.

I gotta go meet Rod.

Sue? Are you okay?

Sue, relax.

They're just guys, okay?

Nothing to be scared of, seriously.

You're gonna be fine.

Is chris here?

Wow.

It's even worse in person, isn't it?

No. He does not have gay face.

I'm gonna prove it to you.

I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna do this.

Good luck.

Oh, god.

Hey, you can do this.

Just act like a slut.

Just pretend you're Lexi.

My favorite chapter is sodom

and gomorrah.

Chris. Hi.

- Can I talk to you?

- Uh... huh.

Uh, in private.

Oh, be Lexi. You're Lexi.

- What?

- Chris.

You're so sexy.

Ever since you played Jesus at camp,

I've just...

I've known that we.

Were meant to be together,

and I really want to...

Oh! What are you doing?

- Is that wrong?

- Sue! What's gotten into you?

Nothing. I'm... I'm sorry.

I... I don't know how to do this.

Sue.

Sue, Sue, Sue.

I understand these urges,

and, you know, I like you, too.

- Really? You do?

- I do. I really do.

It's just...

I've devoted a lot of my life

to one certain man.

Right.

- Lexi said you were...

- Jesus.

Oh. That man.

Of course. What did you think?

Uh, nothing.

- So we can still do this, then?

- Oh, Sue.

You know, for me...

When I think about that man,

who died for our sins,

when I think about him.

Up there on that cross so helpless,

yet so muscular,

with his strong thighs.

Crossed over each other.

So delicately.

Beneath that ragged loincloth,

Growing so hot, so sweaty.

Under that hot, hot sun,

I just feel such compassion.

I think about those things, too.

So you understand why I can't do this.

Not really.

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